OK, here's the thing- it is so easy to myopically look at someone else's life and actions and give out advice or insight, but when it comes to your own- so much harder, right?
I have to be honest. I am scared and nervous. I am worried that hubby and I are in a "happy" phase and things will go south again. I mean he is so super nice. I mean the perfect husband. It seems too perfect.
Maybe I am worrying about nothing, inventing worries.
I was copying and pasting from the old MLC archives about abusive relationships. And I am not going to say what ours was. I am not going to lay blame on one side or the other. I honestly, don't know who holds most of the blame or if it matters at this point.
It just bothered me a lot that some of the stuff I read hit home with me. Really, really bothered me.
Abuse? Look for patterns.
The lines where subtler kinds of mistreatment end and abuse begins include the following actions:
=He retaliates against you for complaining about his behavior. (You have no right to object to how I treat you)
=He blames you for the impact of his behavior.
OK, things have been really, really good, ... but, as long as I do not talk about anything that upsets him. I want to talk about a concern or complaint and he feels I am "starting trouble, starting a fight". I have no intention of starting a fight or even thinking we are in the mist of a fight although he sees it differently. "I am fighting with him".
Well, that kind of shuts things down b/c I simply wanted to talk about a grievance and he finds it as an affront, an attack. And then it turns to "Why are you doing this to me?" "Why are you upsetting me?"
And then b4 you now it. I am apologizing for upsetting him, I should not bring this stuff up, I don't want to hurt my feelings, etc. Yes, I see how very upset he know is. Yes, I am so sorry that now he will have insomnia.
But when can I "talk"? to him? It seems to always upset him. As long as I don't address any upsets I have things are ok.
But I really do not like this dynamic. And that is what is going to be addressed in MC. Is it his anxiety? His way of stopping me in my tracks to end the conversation?
The other issue which he is now owning up to, is his blaming me for his behavior. B/c of me- he had to take a Xanax today. Because of me he has insomnia.
Years ago, not now, this is the past and is no longer an issue, but... it was
"I can help it... you drive me to call you names, your fault" "You drive me to drink, it's your fault I was drinking tonight"
OK, those above comments no longer happen and I will not put up with it. But is it clues, insight on to how he was? The way he processes things?
IDK, I am rambling. And feeling incredibly guilty b/c this man now is bending over backwards to be nice to me. Massaging my back, hugs, saying nice words, etc.
But then I worry- is this the scenario where an abusive jerk is doing the nice/mean cycles?
Am I doing fictional history here? Trying to look for drama? Trust me I DON'T want drama. I don't. I want a sense of security. I want to know that the man I have now is the man I will have in the future. The man I will have during times of crisis. Not a man that will fall into hating me and find disgust and contempt for me in the future.
Perhaps I am asking for something that is unrealistic. I don't want to get complacent and then get knocked off my feet, KWIM? Am, I making sense.
IDK, again- it's so much harder to analyze yourself and your relationships as opposed to the person over there at a distance. I wish I had "outside insight"- if that makes any sense....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
IDK, shouldn't I be able to talk to him about upsetting topics with out it being me "starting to cause a fight or trouble"??
I just don't know...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Oh God, no one is going to read this... I always have really lengthy posts...lol!
Who cares
My online diary.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I have to be honest. I am scared and nervous. I am worried that hubby and I are in a "happy" phase and things will go south again. I mean he is so super nice. I mean the perfect husband. It seems too perfect.
Just some thoughts, June...
I get that. We had a really small issue today and I couldn't help but be on the lookout the avalanche that I expected. Nothing came, but my preparedness put the evening on edge for me (and probably W). It is that tension that shouldn't be there, but it can be felt. Is that what you mean?
RV reminded me that to really move forward from a wrecked M, the couple needs let go of all blame. There were times when I thought my W was doing emotional abuse. She was. So was I, but how would our M be improved by knowing who started it or who was worse? Issues would still be discussed, but from a building empathy POV. Like abuse. Could that work for you?
One of the points of writing out the dialogues more as monologues in RV is that you can't add information, blame (etc) to it when you read what the spouse wrote. The purpose is just understanding & accepting so intimacy can grow.
I hope you find a dynamic in your R that gets rid of the defensiveness from your H. It must make you feel very strong to be able to apologize when he may be the one in the wrong. To be able to control a situation that would've gone out of control.
I can't say for him, but I know that when my W lets things slide that she could've called me on, I appreciated it deep down. I don't always show it (yet!). Maybe he's that way too...trying to find ways to accept responsibility & help without feeling like a looser or failure.
I figure that if he's bending over backward, and it seems you feel you're trying too, then eventually you'll find that thorny plant that keeps poking you both. Fear can lead us guys to do a lot of bad things. Don't accept it, but keep trying to find ways that make him feel proud of himself while improving those unacceptable things.
A question, you said, "I want to know that the man I have now is the man I will have in the future." But you also mentioned his rough behaviour. So...have you talked to your IC about trying to sort out those thoughts. For me, and perhaps for him, it was important to know what things are deal-breakers and what wasn't in our M. If you know for sure, you can tell him if there are any.
OTMT, Thanks for your really insightful feedback. You make some great points!
Yes, I definitely have to let past events not hover in the background. I mean I forgive everything and hopefully he forgives all my "junk". But past events do get me fearful of history repeating itself.
I do think he is sincere. I believe him. If I look at all possible scenarios that could play out- being married to him and working towards happiness would be the most ideal situation.
I have to just live it. Go through every day and every day that is like it is now, becomes more and more the norm. So I have to wait. I have to let time show how sincere he is really.
And I have to realize that I could definitely get hurt again. I mean I was pretty devastated. I thought he was going to stand by my side no matter what. I mean I thought this man really, really, really loved. Now I will never have that belief again.
I mean at one time he really worshiped me. He was so absolutely crazy to be with me. But for years he was disappointed and unhappy with me. That hurt so much. I felt like I tried and tried to get us to a better place. But I really did not have the tools or knowledge or insight. My attempts were just endless nagging and conversations that upset him.
It got to the point where I then began to hate him and get sick of him. I felt if only he cared, if only he would show some love for me.
Incredibly weird chain of events- I was basically the WAW (my secret goal for years- be able to get money and stability for a D), but his learning this and actually willing to finally go to MC gave me hope. But then things really went south with the MC. Then he now states that he felt very hopeless and just wanted the upset to end. So he stated it was over, he was done. I could state the million and one hurtful things that he said for those 14 months. Whats the point. He honestly does not remember some of what he said. I wrote in a journal and if he saw the things he said I think he would be shocked.
I was really, really friggin devastated b/c you know what. My concerns over the past years where true in a way. He didn't love me like he used to.
I got over it quick. I was not going to let this ruin my world. I would take my stance. Focus more on myself and the kids and stand firm. Of course I had a million backslides. And a million tears that went with it that he did not see.
I thought of him like a whinny child. Whatever he said I tried my hardest to roll with the punches. I mean I know I caused him a lot of upset with my separation and D talk. He lost weight, he wasn't sleeping or eating enough. He was having panic attacks. It was like I didn't care anymore though. I had had enough.
It was b/c I knew that I had put him through that turmoil and saw his reaction that there was still something left between us. I felt bad that he was so hurt by it all.
SO I figured this was his 180 of sorts. He felt so unsure about our marriage status for so long that he took a preemptive strike and ended it.
He really, really truly thought it was over. I really, really truly thought he is incredibly stubborn and I probably was not going to get him back. But all I could do was try. I did not hope, I did not wish or what if thinking. I lived in the reality of it and acknowledged worst case scenarios. ie. the big D.
It wasn't a battle. It just was a way of live. I saw signs, then setbacks. Then hope then disappointment. He saw a different me. One that had changed to make myself happy but also to try and be more considerate of him. A wife that wanted to fill "his needs". So I guess I plan A'ed him.
And just when I finally had enough and was ready to be done. I mean really, really no more of the "how much he hated me crap". He caved. Caved big time.
I was not expecting it and it really was a big game changer for me. I mean my mind was focused on our future D. I was at peace with it and at peace with my self and my attempt to repair our marriage.
So honestly, reconciliation was not even in my mind at that point. I felt that if 14 months of my strong stance on "us" and dedication to working on the marraige and my 180's were not enough for him.
Fine. I'm done. and I was, I really, really was. And I let him know. I think it shocked him.
He states and I know that this marriage was recovered but only one person - me. I put in the hard work and took the chance and did not reap any benefits for a very long time. 14 months....
I am glad I did it. I have no regrets. I have insecurities now.
I had a solid game plan. I knew what I was doing the whole time. It did not feel like limbo b/c I felt like I was still in control. I was taking action.
Reconciliation- I feel lost. I have no game plan. I was detached and not I have to allow myself to be vulnerable to him again. Doing so hurts though. If that makes sense. This is harder. I really need to read some books on marraige repair.
I don't just want to go back to acting like a happy couple and forget these past 14 months. I want for us BOTH to grown and learn from this. I want us to have a higher level of understanding our relationship dynamics.
And dam it- A piece of me wants him to really, really get how much he hurt me. He hurt me, he truly, truly broke my heart.
How does one really feel "safe" after that? I guess I just know that he if "breaks" my heart again. I will survive. It will not destroy my life, just change it's path. I just have to keep telling myself that.
Anyhow, I can't seem to post about myself with out endlessly rambling. Bad fault of mine.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
In the morning, b4 the doctor's visit. I walk downstairs to see my hubby holding (gently) our youngest son's hands and son whining and quite upset. Hubby was stating you will tell me what you want for breakfast. You want eggs, toast, cereal, etc. Son was refusing to answer-that's how he is. It's been bothering my hubby that my son sometimes will not talk. SO I know he was doing this from a place of anxiety. I stated "what are you doing? Speech therapy?" (Hubby is a speech path). He stated no something else. I couldn't here what over son's whining was excalating. I exclaimed why would you do this to a sick kid who just woke up? Our son is super sick and always very groggy and quiet when he first wakes up. Well, hubby is annoyed at me. More than annoyed. Not too happy. I am frustrated- b/c really was this necessary? I thought it was the worst time to do therapy. This is not the first time we have diagreed over things like this....
First day of hospitalization. As my hubby was going to leave the room he stated "Can I hug you?" I wasn't expecting it and was honestly suprised but I knew he was emotional over everything. So as I hugged him I wanted to say ILY but zipped my lips. At that moment while hugging me he stated "I don't want to confuse you though". So as to let me know that his huggng me was in no way a sign that he cared for me. I said nothing but it ticked me off. Was that really necessary? Why did he do this? I was ready to just wave and say "bye" to him. Wasn't even expecting a hug. What is with this cr@p?
So next day, hubby can in to visit son and I at the hospital and I had asked him to bring in my son's nail clippers. We were on the "dirty" floor for infectious stuff and I wanted to trim my sons really supper longs nails so there would be less of a chance of catching some germs. Especially sonce son was allowed to play in the playroom. It was hard to cut son's nails and, although I can usually do it myself, I needed hubby's help to hold his arms. I got annoyed with hubby b/c I felt like he wasn't doing a very good job "hold him, hold him better" "I can usually do this myself- hold him better". I was definitely snippy. Well, hubby gets upset and my annoyance and refuses to help at all. I said "come on, please" "please I really want to get this done" But he refused. He states you don't get it and something to the effect of "You just don't get it, I don't like how you are so overbearing with the parenting".
Side note: This is typical of hubby. He one time refused to hold our youngest for about a month or so with out telling me why. (He was angry at me thinking I was overbearing with the parenting) So I had to put my youngest in a bouncy chair in the bathroom everytime I had to shower or things like that. It was really frustrating.
So I stated in frustration "Fine, just leave". He states "OK". I imediately state- "nevermind- please stay. Stay please." Well he is leaving and that's it. He will not stay. I asked several times and added lots of pleases. I state it's not about me. You should stay adn visit with your son. Don't penalize your son. I will leave. I'll go done the hall. I'll leave the room. Spend time iwht your son.
He walked out the door stating "I'm leaving you" I asked "Forever?" (b/c it sounded pretty final) Then he said "I hate you" and left.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Maybe I should not have done this. But I felt bad about things. Esp. since my son asked "where's daddy?"
I called my hubby up. M: "I'm not sure why I'm calling... Are you ok?" H: "Yeah" M: "Will I see you tomorrow?" H: "Yeah, I'd like to see my son" then he stated something about wanting to see son more today. M: "I asked you to stay, I begged you to stay" "I apologized" H: "Begged?" M: "I asked you several times to stay" silence M: "Well, I'd better let you go" H: "OK"
So for the next two days, hubby brings it up in casual converstaton that he missed an opportunity to see his son. At first I did not comment but then with continued jabbs ie"I'll stay as long as wife allows me" to my mom, etc. I say you know- I asked you not to leave. Your twisting this. He really didn't acknowledge what he was doing.
Oh, and always a good meaure of "I don't love you" is always thrown in every once is awhile.
So I totally think I fell off the DB wagon big time. Over such petty things. Counseling has been put on hold since we're getting life back up to speed since son's hospitalization.
Finding myself not liking hubby at all. Not seeing why I want to be with him but I know that in the future the situation can be different. Right now I feel like the WAW who is not going to leave. Ever. I hate this situation. I'm not so perfect though either. I have contributed big time to the mess here. Lack of sleep this year on both our ends has definitely not helped.
We are very seperated. We are not ML or hugging or kissing, anything. I always initaited anyhow. Sometimes I slip and still touch hubby in some way but he usually moves away or states no you stated "no more affection with someone who does not love you". I am a person who is very big on sex and affection so this is frustrating. Even though I initiated the no sex, etc- it was only out of a place of frustration of being told that sex was nothing more than getting off and nothing to do about caring for me. I mean what choice do I have. We've been on this Merry Go Round for a year now.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Well wouldn't you know. Been looking at my hubby and autoimmunue issues wondering why my son's sed rate and c-Reactive get so high some times. His ANA is a mild positive but due to the collagen disorder he has as well as the kids.
Never ever had my bloodwork done. My sed is fine but my C-reactive is 11. I have to get it repeated and if high again be evaluated for autoimmune stuff like arthritis and Lupus. Waiting still on my ANA. So ticked at myself I did not do this last year when my joints hurt bad. I am feeling great now (funny how lack of stress takes care of that). Wonder if lab results would have been higher then. Wonder if my sons rheumy will have insight.
She keeps looking to my hubby and I for answers to my son. I am an idiot for not getting this bloodwork sooner. But the focus was really on my hubby. What is I missed a window for diagnosis or something. Again, what was I thinking.
Oh yeah, and this year my vitaligo is now really noticeable all around my mouth. I have to be so careful in the sun. I don't want to look like a freak. People already stare when I wear a T-shirt and shorts wondering what the heck happened to my skin. Frustrating. It keeps getting worse and worse. I feel like I should just bleach my entire body like Michael Jackson did. *sigh* I don't want the stares.
Last edited by june72; 04/04/1002:10 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
