I think our marriage is on the mend.

[june72]

OK, here's the thing- it is so easy to myopically look at someone else's life and actions and give out advice or insight, but when it comes to your own- so much harder, right?

I have to be honest. I am scared and nervous. I am worried that hubby and I are in a "happy" phase and things will go south again. I mean he is so super nice. I mean the perfect husband. It seems too perfect.

Maybe I am worrying about nothing, inventing worries.

I was copying and pasting from the old MLC archives about abusive relationships. And I am not going to say what ours was. I am not going to lay blame on one side or the other. I honestly, don't know who holds most of the blame or if it matters at this point.

It just bothered me a lot that some of the stuff I read hit home with me. Really, really bothered me.



Abuse? Look for patterns.

The lines where subtler kinds of mistreatment end and abuse begins include the following actions:

=He retaliates against you for complaining about his behavior. (You have no right to object to how I treat you)


=He blames you for the impact of his behavior.


OK, things have been really, really good, ... but, as long as I do not talk about anything that upsets him. I want to talk about a concern or complaint and he feels I am "starting trouble, starting a fight". I have no intention of starting a fight or even thinking we are in the mist of a fight although he sees it differently. "I am fighting with him".

Well, that kind of shuts things down b/c I simply wanted to talk about a grievance and he finds it as an affront, an attack. And then it turns to "Why are you doing this to me?" "Why are you upsetting me?"


And then b4 you now it. I am apologizing for upsetting him, I should not bring this stuff up, I don't want to hurt my feelings, etc. Yes, I see how very upset he know is. Yes, I am so sorry that now he will have insomnia.


But when can I "talk"? to him? It seems to always upset him. As long as I don't address any upsets I have things are ok.


But I really do not like this dynamic. And that is what is going to be addressed in MC. Is it his anxiety? His way of stopping me in my tracks to end the conversation?


The other issue which he is now owning up to, is his blaming me for his behavior. B/c of me- he had to take a Xanax today. Because of me he has insomnia.

Years ago, not now, this is the past and is no longer an issue, but... it was

"I can help it... you drive me to call you names, your fault"
"You drive me to drink, it's your fault I was drinking tonight"

OK, those above comments no longer happen and I will not put up with it. But is it clues, insight on to how he was? The way he processes things?


IDK, I am rambling. And feeling incredibly guilty b/c this man now is bending over backwards to be nice to me. Massaging my back, hugs, saying nice words, etc.


But then I worry- is this the scenario where an abusive jerk is doing the nice/mean cycles?

Am I doing fictional history here? Trying to look for drama? Trust me I DON'T want drama. I don't. I want a sense of security. I want to know that the man I have now is the man I will have in the future. The man I will have during times of crisis. Not a man that will fall into hating me and find disgust and contempt for me in the future.

Perhaps I am asking for something that is unrealistic. I don't want to get complacent and then get knocked off my feet, KWIM? Am, I making sense.


IDK, again- it's so much harder to analyze yourself and your relationships as opposed to the person over there at a distance. I wish I had "outside insight"- if that makes any sense....