There are questions many people are scared to death to ask themself. They avoid it. They put it off. They run from it. They become paralized with fear when thinking of it. They have panic attacks!
Once they reach the point that they can sit still, breath calmly, and address these questions - they change. They must be ready.
What scares you? What makes you wake up sweating? What do you fear more - losing your spouse, or your M? We define ourselves by our dreams for the future, images of growing old together, and the idea of our M. We grew up knowing these things were our measure of happiness and success. We never believed it would be any other way, and don't intend to start that now. Our inability to consider any other possibility chains us in fear.
I'm only trying to point out that growing old with someone other than your spouse could one day be a reality. I am saying sometimes it happens. It can be for reasons beyond our control. You never want to believe an airplane could fall from the sky and land on your spouse - forcing you to make new dreams. It can happen.
Okay the plane thing is a stretch, but things can happen. The thing is that what you are unwilling to let go of will control you. Fear of loosing your spouse - that is something we should probably have learned to be prepared for earlier in life. Sure, we knew tragedies could happen. We didn't expect it to be this kind of tragedy, not for us.
Are you willing to accept that some things we can't change do happen? Are you willing to accept that you can't control other people? Are you willing to accept that this whole crisis thing is not going to kill you unless you want it to? What crimes have you committed that justify you punishing yourself with a life gripped in fear of something you can't control?
While Standing for your M you will find more peace within you if you also Stand for youself, and address some of these fears. Your life can be changed in any number of ways by someone else's crisis, thus making it yours. You can't change their crisis. You alone can decide how to handle your crisis.
You alone must face your own fears that trigger the panic. Talk to a IC about these things. You've started a marathon you never trained for, so now you need coaching by someone who knows how hard this marathon is mentally and physically. You can do that and you will survive this. Taking control of your mental and physical health will lighten your load and make you much more able to Stand stronger and longer. The race you are in will take time.
You will be in better shape when you can face the things that trigger your panic, and tell them NO - not this time, not now. Mentally repeat to yourself something positive that gives you purpose or strength until the tough moments pass. Maybe it is a prayer or a meaningful phrase that can hold your focus. Once you've felt some relief and success, it will become easier to manage each time. I started with repeating my boys names, and telling them I love them. I added my parents. I added a prayer. It has now been a long time since I had to do this in defense, but try to do it often because it became important to me.
You want to be able to tell your negative feelings "I have important things to do for myself" Then go do them. Get out around people (not saying dating). Explore hobbies or interests you did not have time for in the past. If you can't find time now, when will you? Take back the control and pardon yourself from the crimes you did not commit. Parole yourself from the things you can't control.
One of our oldest rules here is "What you focus on expands." Focus on what makes you happy or laugh. It will feel right and natural. You will find yourself happier and laughing more. Make it a point to smile at people you pass. It makes them smile back. You have the power to make people smile and laugh because you are full of life. So focus on living it well and this crisis will not own or control you. You will focus on becoming a better happier person that others want to be around - including crazy MLCers.
The plan is too simple; but that is it. And if it doesn't work for your spouse that doesn't mean it isn't working for you.
