New here but have been a voyeur

[Truegritter]

Lola I thought I posted this to you this a.m. have been out all day. I pulled this from my thread from Lostforwords. This is your answer:

She definitely knows I don't approve.

That is really all that needs to be conversed about the affair. She knows he doesn't approve....nothing more. Let's face the reality....if a spouse is already having an affair, what are the chances they will give a rats a$$ about a boundary enforcement to stop it?

Let's look at it from stage that the affair has just ended. I think there is one of three probably developments from that.

1-The spouse moves on to the next affair. Obviously still in MLC and their personal issues haven't been addressed. Causes of this may include LBS intervention, another spouse intervention, or just the relationship went south. In any case....the MLC person has not gotten to the point for self review. Until that happens it could move to affairs 2,3, 4, or whatever or worse yet...a divorce, quick remarriage, and a reenactment of the process again.

2-The spouse withdrawals, goes through their own pain cycle, and completes self review. This will eventually happen.....the deal for the LBS is to wait until it happens which is all in the hands of the LBS. This is USUALLY seen with a relationship ending on it's own...sometimes boundaries speed it along, but more than likely not. Issues are addressed and not buried.

3-The spouse just comes home....sounds sweet doesn't it? The LBS made a stand that forces the WAS to return...Oh my, what power the LBS has. The problem that makes this one actually the worst option.....no one has addressed their issues. Problems in the marriage prior to the affair are rarely addressed. So here returns the WAS spouse.....how do we see that happening a majority of the time? Go to newcomers and read some of the longer boundary enforcement posters......it is amazing that they keep reliving the same scenario over and over.

What we need to do is detach, accept the marriage of OLD is dead, and deal with our part of it's demise. If the marriage is really meant to be, the WAS will return. If not, then we have dealt with our issues and don't carry them forward. In either option.....what is happening with the WAS's affair should have no impact on our development. So in that light....it doesn't matter what is going on. If the affair ends....what matters is how the MLC'er moves through their tunnel.

This was in response to your question whether I need to talk to W about A (again)

Make sure you scroll down and get the whole quote.

It's IMPORTANT.

No other answer will stop this madness. I'm not sure I'm qulaified to give you a 2 X 4 since I'm still pulling splinters out of my own head. Look back at how many times these wise folks have been here giving you GREAT advice.

Go back and look at your thread! Do you want to keep living in pain and uncertainty?