I keep thinking "do what works." And now I have doubts that with my H it will work. I do not want to push him away. I have to seriously think about my boundaries. Again, I am not sure how much of this is "I don't want to lose" and how much is "I want this M to survive and come back." I'm seriously considering that and trying to decide if I should swallow my pride and set boundaries, or kowtow to my pride and just DB my butt off and win him back.
It's the friend thing. He's shared his friends with her, which means he's "that" close to leaving me anyway. I think Mr. Bond is right, he's doing Retro to show what a good guy he is... but I also had hoped that there would be a breakthrough he wasn't expecting. How to break through the fog, I don't know, but he's so emotional and so sensitive, I thought sharing my emotions and his with me, may help us. Geez, wouldn't it be nice if we could just ask WS what it would take to bring them back around? Maybe hypnotism?
I'm not big on the whole "push them away" thing. To me, little, IRRITATING, meaningless things, "push people away." Not putting the toilet set back up. Not brushing your teeth before bed. Being a poor communicator, talking about yourself all the time. THAT kinda stuff.
"I value myself too much to live in an open marriage, where my husband is cheating on me and lying to me about it" is a BOUNDARY, or at least I would HOPE it is with you. If that "pushes them away," then "so be it," I say, and GOOD RIDDANCE!
If I lived with a gambling addict, and they refused to get help and insisted on squandering the family's finances with their addiction, and I said "I love you, but I can't live like this. You need to get help," and if that "pushed them away" . . . .then SO BE IT.
I think the whole "it will only push them away (together)" is a load o' manure. "a)", SEE ABOVE, and "b)", THEY'RE ALREADY TOGETHER ANYWAY!!!!!
You make excellent points, Puppy, thank you so much. You sure you don't want to become a coach? I'll pay a few bucks to be able to call you up.
Anyway, that aside... do you hold to me doing an intervention, or simply telling H that I know, I will not put up with it, etc?
Keeping in mind that I'm 50-50 on the whole intervention thing working because one of H's most basic needs is to be liked and approved of (if his friends/family side with me, there goes that) and his second nature is to run from conflict - so an intervention would only make him run away.
Guess I'm not a gambler. I want someone to say "this will work" I guess.
I did with the last A. I have asked if he's having an A this time and he denied it. Weird as he keeps telling OW he's going to let me know, but is waiting for the right opportunity.
I am running through these fantasy conversations in my head. It's how I work things out. I keep thinking - does this sound pursuing? - but DH has a deep need to make people happy and especially his W. One thing he keeps asking OW by email is if he makes her happy. I was thinking of saying with a very nice smile on my face and pleasant demeanor - "I just want you to know that no matter what happens to us, you have made me very happy. You made me laugh, and you made me realize how precious life is. You've helped make me who I am."
Anyway, that aside... do you hold to me doing an intervention, or simply telling H that I know, I will not put up with it, etc?
I don't think I would make it my opening move. I would hold that back as a 2nd confrontation if he persists in the adulterous behavior, and the deceit, for some period of time (one month? two months? -- certainly not any more)
Maybe it's jsut the control freak in me, but I don't like the idea of MY strategy hanging on everyone ELSE getting their "part" right. I'm more of an "international treaty" guy, whereby you always send your advance guys out BEFOREHAND, to hammer out the details, so that when you DO meet with the foreign leader, you ALREADY MOSTLY KNOW how it's all going to go down. That's not to say that you still don't do selective exposure to those family and close friends whom you think you can count on to SUPPORT THE MARRIAGE, but I'm just not sure about a group intervention being the mechanism for that.
That's just me. If you ARE going to go that route, I think you need a TRAINED FACILITATOR -- a good family therapist, preferably -- to facilitate the intervention. You can't just "wing" these things.
Print out the emails. Confront him. He will deny it, saying YOU are crazy, etc. Then calmly show him the emails and say that you are his W and will not be disrespected any longer through his actions.
""I just want you to know that no matter what happens to us, you have made me very happy. You made me laugh, and you made me realize how precious life is. You've helped make me who I am.""
Nope. it'll make you sound desperate and looking for validation from him when he should be giving validation to you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You're wonderful, God bless you for the time and insight and heart you put into these things. I never even thought of a trained facilitator helping out. And I see your point on the second avenue of approach if my one on one doesn't work.
Qs: 1. Do I still expose to OW and OWH 2. Do I tell the friends anything? i.e. just saying something like DH is having an affair, it's not his first, we're working on the M and would appreciate any support? 3. Do I take a hard line about them using OUR apartment to have their trysts? I'm kind of detached from that. If it's not there, it will be somewhere else, right? But as long as he's using it as his love pad, it's not being rented and we need that income.
well, one thing that the coaching session did for me yesterday is remind me of the positive approach I should be taking. I looked back at my old threads from last time and realized that one thing I am missing is that I used to post babysteps, goals, and keep a PMA. I was very positive and it made me feel positive and I subsequently was SURE we'd stay together.
This time I've been desperate thinking that because he introduced her to our friends, that it's very close to the end. Instead, I'm just seeing this now as the next stage of his A. Maybe he just feels that desperate or like I'm that ready to D him. He's scared and I need to see that and react accordingly.
So, today I will post goals. I will post my babysteps now, as small as they may seem.
1. DH slept with me instead of her on Monday 2. In the am he was petting the dog on the bed and "flopped" onto me with the dog twice. He didn't pull away when his body touched mine. 3. Monday night was the first time that he let himself "touch" me during the night (for the past few weeks, the second any part of our bodies touch, he pulls away and scoots his body to get as far away as possible. 4. We had a nice time at family night last night. DH has been having transmission troubles and it's been in the shop three times already, but he got us home safe and I made sure to show my appreciation. 5. Last night he was so close to me I almost thought he was going to throw an arm over me.
You're wonderful, God bless you for the time and insight and heart you put into these things. I never even thought of a trained facilitator helping out. And I see your point on the second avenue of approach if my one on one doesn't work.
Qs: 1. Do I still expose to OW and OWH 2. Do I tell the friends anything? i.e. just saying something like DH is having an affair, it's not his first, we're working on the M and would appreciate any support? 3. Do I take a hard line about them using OUR apartment to have their trysts? I'm kind of detached from that. If it's not there, it will be somewhere else, right? But as long as he's using it as his love pad, it's not being rented and we need that income.
1. YES. 2. VERY CLOSE friends, who you think will support your marriage, I would fully expose to. More casual friends I would just tell that the two of you are "having problems," that you're working on them, etc. But if asked point-blank by someone if your H is having an affair, I certainly wouldn't lie to protect him from his infidelity! 3. It's up to you -- is it a Boundary of Personal Integrity with you? It would be with ME, and are you saying that by him being there and using it for that, it's preventing you from renting it to someone else and generating some income?
