You're the one who keeps allowing this to happen. You were advised to go dark and yet to continue the hours-long conversations. H is obviously not ready, willing and able to commit to the M and yet you are acting like he is. You are allowing him and his actions to dictate how you feel and how you act.
I am embarressed to admit...but you are absolutely right. I have gone dark..and then I allow him to suck me back in..or allow myself to be sucked back in. He responds to my darkness by pursuing or harrassing. When I haven't answered his calls, texts, or emails...he will bombard me with messages on whatever technology he hasn't tried...and of course I will give in by answering just to avoid his anger.
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If continued involvement with OW is a dealbreaker then state your boundary and enforce it. "H, I will not live in an open marriage. Your continued involvement with OW is inappropriate and unacceptable. I cannot stop you from communicating with OW but I will not have a relationship with you while you are still involved with her." And then follow through.
This is a tough one. When I told him we were through if him and OW weren't done...he said he was ending it. I don't have any proof that he hasn't ended it...and the only proof that I have that he did end it...is the phone bill he sent me..emails that she has sent that he hasnt replied to..and text messages that she has sent that he hasnt responded to. He knows the boundary..I just cannot prove or disprove that he has crossed this boundary. We aren't living together..he is still working with OW (2 more weeks)...I have no clue what he is doing..except for the gut feelings I get..which could prove to be nothing- or could prove to be right. I think I have good intuition but I cannot say that I am always right. I have been burned..so I am hypervigilent. I don't think he should have any verbal contact with her..he says that he cannot help it..they work together..and that will end in two weeks. There was never a question as to whether or not I am OK with him seeing someone else...I just had such a hard time proving it because he is protected by the four walls of his office. He (nor I) can access his email from home. H used to see her just in the office..she would come back at night and sneak in. He would never go out anywhere with her when he was still living at home so it was very difficult to catch..hence my tapping his lunch bag.
I guess the only way I can tell if it is really over with her is by his consistency in behavior over a period of time. My H contacted me prior to me reading these responses...I will post it separately so I can take another couple of 2x4's to my head.
