Need some help!!!

[jtish7234]

I have been focusing on trying to find a job, working out, spending time with my kids. Trying to get back to the person that my H fell in love with.

I have limited contact with him. I don't call him unless it is necessary. We usually communicate by email, but lately the emails are getting to hard and things are getting misunderstood. The last set of emails were about rescheduling the pretrail hearing. I was very upset that he would tell me this in and email, and to make matters worse he did it on our son's 1st bday. I have recommended that if there is something major to talk about that we should do it with a therapist present.

When it is his weekend with the kids, I drive them back to were we used to live. While we were married H spent little time alone with both boys; and it helps put my mind at ease being in the same town with him when he has the boys. I know it sounds like I am enabling him, but I am trying to keep the peace to an extent. My H is a very impatient man, and is short fused. I just want my kids to enjoy their time with their dad, because they only get to see him for about 24hrs every two weeks. Which is hard because my boys are 3 yrs old and 1 yrs old. And it is really hard on our 3 yr old.

[james217]

I have been focusing on trying to find a job, working out, spending time with my kids. Trying to get back to the person that my H fell in love with.

I have limited contact with him. I don't call him unless it is necessary. We usually communicate by email, but lately the emails are getting to hard and things are getting misunderstood. The last set of emails were about rescheduling the pretrail hearing. I was very upset that he would tell me this in and email, and to make matters worse he did it on our son's 1st bday. I have recommended that if there is something major to talk about that we should do it with a therapist present.

When it is his weekend with the kids, I drive them back to were we used to live. While we were married H spent little time alone with both boys; and it helps put my mind at ease being in the same town with him when he has the boys. I know it sounds like I am enabling him, but I am trying to keep the peace to an extent. My H is a very impatient man, and is short fused. I just want my kids to enjoy their time with their dad, because they only get to see him for about 24hrs every two weeks. Which is hard because my boys are 3 yrs old and 1 yrs old. And it is really hard on our 3 yr old.

at least you have goals and seem to be working at them. Not much to really say or offer. Just wanted to say hang in there and stay strong.

[jtish7234]

Thank you for fixing my post for me.

[jtish7234]

Other than working on GAL? How else can I get my H to see that we can make our marriage work? Our biggest problem is communication. If we could find away to get around our misunderstandings, that would help.

[Ready2Change]

Other than working on GAL? How else can I get my H to see that we can make our marriage work? Our biggest problem is communication. If we could find away to get around our misunderstandings, that would help.

Have you read any of Puppy Dog Tails posts?

180's, Detachment and Boundaries are good.

What YOU can do is improve your LISTENING and VALIDATION SKILLS.


So your H has told you that he no longer wants to be married to you. Validate HIS POV. If you try and control him (IE lets stay married) you will continue to push him away.

Always run your validation statements past us first.

Our WAS don't think we can change. PROVE THEM WRONG. Project that you are always happy. Project that you are glad they set you free. Project that you are having the time of your life. Focus on all the good things in your life and you will draw more good things into your life.

[jtish7234]

I will look into his posts definitely.

Lately, when we do talk I am doing most of the listening. I am trying very hard not to bring up our R at all. I was very bad about pushing him to work on our marriage, up until January. Then I did a 180 and started acting more like a friend and listening to him. He would call me, but it was usually when H and OW were fightn. He tends to get depressed if he hasn't seen our kids in awhile, and that usually causes fights between them. Since January I have really only had one major slip up, and that was when he called his lawyer on our sons 1st bday to have the pretrial conference reschedule. I told him he was making a mistake, and so on.

How do you project that you are happy that they set you free, when thats not the case at all? I struggle with that everyday. I have a hard time getting out bc I am a mom with 2 young boys. I try to get out and do as much as I can with them, going to the zoo, park, so on. But there are very few times when I get to go out without them.

I have told him several times that I respect his feeling and understand why he doesn't think we can make our marriage work. I try very hard to validate his feeling. But at times I tend to start talkn like a therapist, but I catch myself and kick myself for doing it. I have even gone as far as to apologize for or to talk responsibility for my mistakes in our marriage. I have tried to boost his confidence when it comes to taking care of our kids, because I always stepped in and did it for him. where as now he has to attempt it on his own, and I am there to help if he needs it.

I can see your point on WAS, because I have told H many times all the things that I would change personally if we worked on our marriage. I am taking baby steps to show him that I mean business. One of his biggest complaint is that we spent too much time with my family, all holidays or birthdays and so on. His biggest complaint is that we never had any traditions of our own. I was always felt that I needed to be at every family function, whereas now because of all of this realize taht I don't need to be, I just need to be with my family (H and Kids). So this Easter, the boys and I will not be at Easter with my family, rather we are going to go to the zoo with my SIL and hang out.

I just hope he can start to see, before its too late. It took me going to therapy and being on an antidepressent too realize that I miss and love my H very much, even thru the PA.

[Ready2Change]

Everyday, I wake up and have a choice on how I view the world. I focus on all the positive things in my life. This brings Joy to my life. With this joy, I feel happy. If I need a boost, I can always "think" of a positive past event to bring good feelings. If I need more, I can even imagine a positive event.

[jtish7234]

Thats a good point. I do those things already. I wake up to the best things in my life right now, my kids. They give me the strength to put on a happy face and tell myself that everything is going to be alright.

The problem I have is that my H lives 2 hrs away and we hardly see each other. But when I am around him I try to be as positive and smiley as I can. I try to be the opposite of what I was while we were together. But for me its hard because it feels like because I am so far away from him, I'm out of sight out of mind. Whereas the OW is practically forcing herself on him and into his life, and pushing us out.

But all I can hope is that she keeps forcing him too much and they break up, so that he can maybe realize what he is doing. He has already told me that she is very pushy and her and I are exact opposites, and the impression I get from him is that he isn't liken that very much. BC with me he could do whatever he wanted and she has him on a short leash. (OW didn't like that we spent so much time together last weekend)

He has gone to a IC and now my H feels that his actions are alright and that our marriage isn't worth trying to fix, because he has never been single and is enjoying his lifesyle now. The life with no responsiblities. He has said that his IC is supposedly pro marriage, but I'm starting to think otherwise.

So all I can do now is wake up every morning and do what I do best: take care of my kids and myself.

[jtish7234]

Trying very hard to busy for the next few days, especially with the holiday. I am also trying very hard not to respond to emails or txt messages from H, when he calls I let him talk to our kids and when he is done I just hang up.

It is getting very hard the last few days, because our 3 yr old keeps asking about daddy. I try very hard to remind him that I love him very much and that no matter what I will always be there for him. He was very upset when we drove down the interstate Sunday on our way home, driving away from daddy's appartment. he kept telling me mommy ur driving the wrong way, turn around!! It breaks my heart to listen to him do this, I wish my H had to hear what he does to him. Our 3 yr old really misses his dad, and our 1 yr old lights up when he hears my H voice on the phone. I hope this gets easier on the boys, only time will tell.

[jtish7234]

Well I couldn't sleep much last night. H posted some pics of him kayaking on Facebook and it botherd me bc he knows how much I like going. He has been posting alot lately on Facebook, which is out of the norm for him. Its almost like he is doing it to make me jealous. The part the makes me ill is that he recently changed his relationship status to 'in a relationship with OW' even though he is still married to me.

Also on Facebook, the other day I posted some pics of the boys playing outside. And this morning I woke up to him posting my pics on his wall. I have asked him in the past not to do that. I had been blocking him and my MIL from seeing my pics, but he accused me of cutting him out of our kids lives and he also promised not to post my pics to his wall. What should I do? I am trying very hard to keep the peace and don't want to be bitchy. I have reblocked him from viewing my pics.

On a lighter note, I got good news yesterday!! I received a job offer. I was hoping that my H would have come to his senses before this happend. I would much rather be looking for a job, where we used to live. But GAL!! Its gonna be weird going back to work, I haven't had a job since xmas 2008, other than being a mom.

I hope this weekend goes smoothly. I am going to be avoiding the family Easter, which is already got people unhappy. But it is so hard going to family events lately. So I am excited to get out of the house and do something fun with the boys.