help some advice plse..have i finished it for good

[JacT]

Good to hear nice stories.My kids finish on Thur one 3rd year seondary school and the other at uni.My youngest has her exmas after Easter so me too, putting down some boundaries so she can study.
Great to hear you and H are getting time together( another failure on our part).I believe family is a pull but didnt think he would go six months with no ctc .The OW is clearly playing a part.
I am starting CBT and some counselling that may give me the confidence to approach it with him.
Many Thanks I appreciate the benefit of your wisdom and experiences.

[saffie]

CBT is great - helped me SO much....beyond words. Hope it works for you to. It was the main factor in helping me deal with my H, our M failures and the A.

Had to pick my eldest D up from Uni 2 weeks ago as she has glandular fever. She won't take it easy and keeps stresseing about her studies.

Where is your eldest at Uni? Mine is at Lancaster......which is where my H and I both went and met each other - bizarre eh?

[JacT]

My D is at Gla studying Fashion Marketing.Glandular fever is hard to shake off and could go on for a while.Hope she's feeling better too.My H and I met as school!I read your posts on CBT.
I am normally a very strong and positive person but this has knocked me for 6 so going to take as much out of it I can.

Great you can get out with the horses too. My friend who lives in Lanark competes in showjumping and shows her horses.She loves it.

[MrBond]

The CD isn't what caused his MLC. He's in depression and probably

"Yes there were times I shot him down. It devestated him when I left him all those years ago and I used it to my advantage throught out the M."

This is what caused his depression and what you have to accept. You have to create an environment for him that's "safe" where he feels he won't be judged and can be who he wants to be. It comes down to whether or not you can accept who he is or if he is willing to change.

He's dealing with alot of shame and embrassment right now, so he needs that safe environment to come home to. That's probably why he doesn't want to see his Ds as well. He may not feel that he is "masculine" enough to be a role model for them.

[JacT]

Thanks Bond.
I do believe his unresolved child issues have created the MLC however I completely accept I have not helped the matter, agree 100%.
I know the girls have accepted he is a CD may not like it but would have loved him anyway. I have struggled with it more because of the veiled secrecy around it. How could I let him walk around dressed when our daughters had no idea?
The ow can offload her kids to her XH and seems to be happy doing it when ever the fancy takes him.
I believe he is ashamed and his embarrassment goes beyond aything we have ever experienced.
I will not be agreeing to the D but I am worried that is what he wants to do and I have got it wrong that he is unhappy.(a happy man would not disconnect from everyone if life was good would he?).
I couldnt take rejection now and worried about the hold ow has.She is going to fight like a pit bull.
Maybe I need to start CBT and see if helps my confidence in believing I do know him better than anyone.

When he last visited his dad(brief half hour) several weeks ago, he was apparently very emotional and said he couldnt face us.What I have learned is he cannot change.
Maybe the stray dog idea is better but not sure he has got over his infatuation.

[MrBond]

"(a happy man would not disconnect from everyone if life was good would he?)."

No but a depressed man would.

"I couldnt take rejection now and worried about the hold ow has.She is going to fight like a pit bull.
Maybe I need to start CBT and see if helps my confidence in believing I do know him better than anyone."

In what way have you shown that you "know" him better? You aren't able to accept his CD and I think that's the key. You not only have to understand why he's doing something, but also accept it one way or the other. That's probably what the OW is doing.


"When he last visited his dad(brief half hour) several weeks ago, he was apparently very emotional and said he couldnt face us.What I have learned is he cannot change."

See so YOU want him to change when he doesn't want to. Can you accept him as he is?

"Maybe the stray dog idea is better but not sure he has got over his infatuation."

I don't think this is an "infatuation". It's a matter of her giving him what he needed which was acceptance. He feels his family can't/won't accept him but she can. Of course that will change over time, but think of a little boy running off to the circus. He's going to go somewhere that he is accepted and not judged.

Can you show that to him?

[JacT]

Bond you make alot of sense and challenge me to think.Thanks.

What is acceptance? I lived with it for 28 years and realised it was never going to go away but he was limited to what he could do with children in the house. All my family knew including my siblings(S43,B30) and they continued to love him. My brother asked him to be BM at his wedding in Jul10.

I tried to get him to speak to someone who was specialised in gender dysphoria because only he can decide who he is and whether he wants to be female (he has written lots down and talked about fulfiling his deam and desire to be a woman)The Internet A was with another male cd.
The ow does not know the extent of his CD,I am sure about that.She is only doing what I have tried..everything but it was never enough which is why I think he needs some specialised help to give him the courage to make an informed decision.

Its easy not to judge when you have only taken baby steps. The A was snatched hours here and there, very different when you are living with it 24/7.He said he told the ow everything(if he has)then he's learned not to do what he did with me...lie.

My H came to bed dressed in womans underwear and with painted toe nails, he wears female clothin under his gym kit.I have shopped with him/for him, seen him dressed etc etc. If it was my lack of acceptance why remarry and why not an A before?

We would both say we would not choose to be living with CD but I never tried to change him.I did try to control it.He had time when we were not around to have his own space.The problem was never the CD it was the lies and deceit which surrounded it, clearly a result of threats from his mother to tell his father.It was always wrong to do it so he lied abt it.

I told him before he left I would help him because he was completely open about the space he was in. By that time it was too late he had crossed the line.

His father does not undrstand,accept or want to discuss it with him neither did his mother.(died over 7 yrs ago)

There have been times I havent helped it but I believe as a woman I have been more accepting than most W would be.I have never judged him because of it..I think thats seperate issue from acceptance.

Maybe its time for me to let go if there is someone who can deal with it better than me but again she didnt expect to be living with him permanently.

I have alot to think about and you have helped...thanks again.

[MrBond]

You're welcome. Just remember that because you lived with it, doesn't mean that you accepted it. Not saying that you have to go and buy the same outfits as him, but maybe just telling him that you love him enough that if what he does is important to him, then you accept it.

Maybe there were some disapproving looks you might have given him that you didn't realize. Alot of the signals could be given off physically too.

[JacT]

That would get some funny looks in my neighbourhood..matching outfits..you have to laugh sometimes..!

I am sure there were some looks...I dont believe she is accepting it either out of love..she has too much of a history..taking away this man from his big house, wife and kids..makes her feel attractive..what she did to me and my kids was fundamentally wrong and whilst I can totally accept what I have done in my marriage that didnt help it, what he did was wrong too.H had the opportunity to come clean several times.

I sleep on it all tonight.Start my counselling next week.I have alot to wade through...and dont know if it is fixable..god will decide I guess..thanks and if you want to talk plse shout...lots of snow in Scotland tonight!!!!

Thanks to Saffie too.

[saffie]

Jac,

I think your H needs to feel that he has no need to lie to you about what he feels and what he is exploring.

the fact that he is in a R with another woman speaks volumes to me. It would suggest that taking the 'next step' didn't feel right to him - that although a CD he is hetro.

As an aside, when I am depressed I withdraw from family and friends. It is easy to gloss over things with a stranger. One can put on a facade. I bet OW doesn't know the half of what's going on.

Make that road home obvious and 'safe' and welcoming. Your children are getting older so his CD will be less resticted at home as time goes on.....and once he has more freedom there is a possibility that he may not want to CD as often. Sometimes half the fun is in the secrecy, time limitaion of it all.

What your H does is not that uncommon. One of my BF's is married to a GP and she said that her H was surprised when he first started as a GP, at the amount of guys who would turn up wearing women's underwear underneath their outer clothing when they came for consultations.

I have seen on the news about the snow in Scotland - wrap up warm. It has even turned chilly here in the Midlands and we had sleet today. I don't want more snow - we had the best part of two months of it earlier!!!!!!