flowmom | need to commit to myself

[alice444]

Today I feel done with caring about what H thinks about me. I was a whole human being before I met him, and I still am. I was intelligent, sexy, warm, adventurous...and nothing has changed about me. I f---- up a lot of things in our M and nothing I can do can change that. H is right, our M was over years ago because he wasn't in it.

It makes me both sad and happy to read this, Flo. I think t's very healthy for you to be done revolving your feelings and actions around what he thinks about you. But, as I was discussing with my IC yesterday, we actually are going to need to grieve the loss of the person we thought they were, the marriage we thought we'd have, and the future we envisioned that (they, in a lot of cases) are wrecking, which is sad. I love your description of yourself. Consider posting it by your computer or mirror, someplace maybe he wouldn't see it but you would, to remind yourself. Bringing that Flo back to the forefront would be an awesome goal.

I thought I could DB for a year, or more, but now I'm not sure. It's been almost three months since the separation, but I've been pursuing him for years. The devastation of abandonment is still with me, but I also see that he is the one who is broken. Love is a choice and he chose not to love me.

The time seems to drag, doesn't it? I feel like I've been here forever, but it's only been a couple weeks. I think at every stage we have the right to change our minds about how much more we feel like investing, etc. As a wise friend reminds me- there are no right or wrong choices... only choices. Part of me thinks, if it is hurting you further to keep this up, maybe it's time for a break- not an "I will never pursue my M again" but just a little break where you're not focused on DB so much? Not sure.

I'm going to have to deal with my agony about my children and what this is doing them. How can I forgive myself?

I think we're all in your boat here. And, you know, most of us had parents who screwed up, too, to an extent or another. I think the hardest thing for me is that since mine screwed up, it was a personal goal to NOT have a failed marriage and to not raise my D with an unhealthy R model. So I feel I've failed in that- just like they did. She didn't ask for this, she's just an innocent little kid who's still oblivious to everything going on. When I think about that, I get overwhelmed with sorrow and regret. But I also know that forcing an M that's not making either of us happy- like my parents did- causes damage, too. They'll forgive us. Especially when they realize that we were strong enough to do what we needed to be happy AND to give them a secure, warm home life, whether that is one or two households. {{{{FM}}}}