how do i keep my hope alive?

[Onthemountaintop]

With r22s words of caution, say it loud and clear that you don't want any retribution, just a fighting chance.

Only God knows what he's thinking now. It just really seems like he's doing what I've wanted to do so many times in the past 6 months - cut and run. I've screwed up (as has my W) and there are differences/issues that aren't going away anytime soon. It is sooo easy to think I've hurt her and I too much and running away will feel great.

Tell him & help him feel that his past failures are really successes - they helped you and him get to deep issues that make boys into men. The pain of the past is gone, and the future awaits.

Ask for the chance, don't hint. He may say no. He may have papers ready. It doesn't matter. Take the chance.

Remember - this is just my POV, but you are running your life. Choose after thought for what is right, not who is right.

[trytryagain]

i very much like that idea, OTM, that our past mistakes and failures could help us bring those deep issues to the surface that can make our M stronger if we give it a chance.

right now i think he is of the mind that we've hurt each other too much to get over our past and create a future together. i do not have a problem with at least taking the chance. i know i can't make him see that we deserve a chance if that's not where he is in his head.

[Onthemountaintop]

TTA - good luck. I really hope you find some unexpected happiness today. "Act as if" everything will be great, be strong and tell him what you want.

You can make him see things, it is up to him to accept it. He'll see it by your love, body language, and clear/forgiving statements. If he feels you are his success, I think he'll walk away thinking deeply about you no matter what actions occur.

Have some kleenex with that built in lotion nearby. No matter how it goes, I have a feeling you'll have some tears ~

Do you think a sexy outfit is in the offering or are you going for comfortable?

[trytryagain]

you just made me laugh, OTM. i just pictured myself in a sexy getup, answering the door when my H gets here. i've never been one to wear sweatpants and tshirts (i don't even OWN a pair of sweatpants!), so i'll probably wear something flattering without being overtly sexy. i don't want to be TOO obvious.

thanks for the good wishes. my stomach is in knots thinking about tonight...

[Onthemountaintop]

So having a pack of "the pill" on the coffee table...would that be too obvious?

[trytryagain]

i think maybe so. i was thinking more like candles and soft music playing.

ok, i'm kidding, i'm kidding. i was thinking about making some dinner for us, though. i know he won't have time to have eaten by the time he gets to my place, so i may just make something easy so we can eat together before any real heavy conversation takes place.

[Onthemountaintop]

Maybe one candle as a reminder of good days to come and those past should things heat up for good or for bad?

Have a great dinner!

[trytryagain]

definitely at least one candle. not sure if any of this will shake him out of the low he's in, but i'll do my best to at least show him we have a fighting chance.

and kleenex are a must!

[trytryagain]

i wish i had better news to report...

my H brought the separation agreement over last night. the dinner that i made for us sat on the stove, uneaten. he had tears in his eyes before we even made it upstairs to my apartment.

he cried all night. he sobbed and sobbed in my arms and apologized to me over and over and said he couldn't get back to the emotional place where he felt like we could try to work things out. he said that in the past when he'd asked about counseling or had felt hopeful, it was because he missed "us" so much that he thought he could see it working out...but he knew - he BELIEVED - that we would not be together for the rest of our lives. i wiped away his tears. told him he was not a failure. told him i wanted him to have the best life possible. told him i wanted him to be happy. i held him while he cried. he said he was so lost, so empty, so broken...

my heart is shattered that he feels so much pain. it shattered again after he left and i read over the agreement. it uses terms like "...as if they had never entered into matrimony" and "...as if they were never married" and i cannot sign something that nulls the last 5 years of my life. i can't sign something given to me by someone in such a low emotional state, and i can't sign something that admits that i voluntarily enter into this, because it wasn't voluntary at all.

i told him that i saw things in him that i didn't think he saw within himself. and i apologized for anything that i'd done over the course of our marriage that may have prevented him from seeing those things. he said he hoped that one day i would be able to forgive him for hurting me so much. i told him i have an enormous capacity to forgive. and that i was even thankful for the time apart because i'd been able to grow so much and work on things about me that i didn't like.

he feels he has too much work to do on himself to commit to working on our M, and that he can't find the motivation to work on our M when he feels so "f*'d up".

he got a new dog. he's had her for a few weeks now. he said he got her to fill a void, but he feels worse now than before.

we went over the agreement together and afterwards i asked him if essentially, i could sign the papers, mail them to him, and never see him again. he said he can't see me anymore, that it's not fair to either of us and he doesn't think he can handle it. so. i have no idea if/when i'll see my H again. maybe i won't?

we sat on my couch and held each other and cried until he said he needed to go. he kissed me briefly and left in tears.

i fell apart when he left. i sobbed for hours and let myself hurt. i leaned in to the hurt and let it poke and stab me in ways i've never felt before. i feel utterly spent. i do not know where to go from here...

[trytryagain]

honestly...i don't know what to do with this agreement. should i sign it? should i not sign it? it's a separation agreement, and we can't legally file for D for another 4 months (we have to live separately for 6 months to file uncontested), but...

do i resist the idea of D by not signing? will that push my H further towards wanting a D?

do i show my H i love him enough to let him go by signing? if we both sign and then file this document, IF we decide to reconcile afterwards, we have to sign a legal document and file that, too...

i feel very very hopeless today. he really seems to believe that the damage is done and can't be repaired. or rebuilt.