I have been calling her on her rude behavior for some time now. This was prior to my time here. I'm sadly realizing that being a 'nice guy' is not what W wants. I always thought that that being a monogamous H who was absolutely devoted to W, S and D was what it took to make a successful M.
That isn't what W wants at all! She wants to be told what to do, when to do it, how high to jump, etc. The MLC script defies logic. I am so glad I got here when I did. GAL is the best thing I have done in years.
Now is the time to face the fear and go counter to all I have done for 20+ years. Obviously it hasn't worked as its led me to this point!
How do kids handle these Sit's? My teenagers know that things are bad right now. They know that W and I only interact minimally. They just don't know its going to get worse before it gets better.
My H was furious at first... which lasted a few days. I got accused of being "reckless" because our kids' friends might see that he is in another room and then people might find out what is going on. I just looked at him and said, "you think I am the one being reckless?" He didn't say much after that. He did try the victim role after that for a bit, but soon just accepted it.
I wasn't doing LRT so I still had quite a bit of interaction with H. I made a point of being cheerful but distant. I did my own thing, focused on the kids and tried to work on GAL and 180's. I set boundaries, but more with actions than words (eg. all the lights out, doors locked when H out late, stopped doing things for him I used to do, never contacted him unless I had to, stopped inviting him along when doing fun things with kids etc.)
I was an emotional wreck, devestated by what was going on... but I did not let that show to H. I counted on the support here to help me through that.
The point is to do things differently than what you were doing... it obviously wasn't working.
These things are counter-intuitive, but your best chance of turning things around. If you are like most of us here, you will find a strength within yourself you didn't even know you had.
Perfectly stated, and -- more importantly -- effectively CARRIED OUT!
Yes, the script defies logic. That is why what you have to do is so counter-intuitive.
The kids will not find this easy, and that is the sad part about the choices your W is making. That is why it is so important that you spend time with them and really build strong bonds with them at this time. Do fun things, talk with them about what is going on in their lives, stay connected. They will need your strength and steadiness in the next while. Answer their questions honestly but without going into details they don't need to know. They will respect you for being there for them and doing what you can to save this M and the family.
Yesterday W and I had talk about S and how soon tell kids. We had originally said not to tell them until summer after exams were over but the tension in house you could cut with a knife. So we spoke of telling them this weekend and W moving out soon after. (week or so?) I told her I preferred to work on M but if her decision is to leave I'd help her pack.
After a few hours of thought on this I had some reservations and told W that I'd like to revisit this again rather than come to some rash decision which has huge impacts. I spent the night praying on it and still haven't come to any decision.
I know this would be easier for W and me if she were to be gone next week but the kids will be a wreck. I'm thinking of putting off the decision until I get a better perspective on things. I figure that once the kids are told you cannot take it back and change the decision. I just want to make the best decision for their well-being rather than mine.
Just wanted to send you support and let you know that I am praying for you and your sitch. Our ages and length of knowing our W are very similar. My W turns 46 today and I'll be 48 next Tuesday and we have known each other for 25 years and been married for 24+. Your kids are younger because you waited longer to get M. Ours was a whirlwind and she got pregnant.
Best of luck and keep your heart open!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Seems like the S/D is a done deal today. Maybe that will change tomorrow. I'm trying to be open to what I need to do but have no direction yet. The fact that you and others voice their support for other people helps me be strong.
Just wanted to offer my support, too. The roller coaster never seems to stop. Stay strong and show your kids the kind of father that they would be proud of! You are the one working on making things better and I'm sure they can see that.
When my H first brought up the idea of S, I agreed at first as well... only because I was so exhausted and devestated over everything that I thought maybe it was for the best.
But, like you, I had second thoughts almost immediately. I read some posts from people here that said it is easier to DB when the WAS remains in the home.
So, the next day, I told my H I had changed my mind. I told him that it was my choice to remain M and together in the same home but in separate bedrooms. I told him that if he chose to move out, that was his choice and his alone. I told him it would be his responsibility to tell the kids and that I would tell them this was not my choice.
He was not impressed at first, but could see I meant it.
We had a meeting with the kids in which he told them he was thinking of moving out for awhile. I told the kids this was their dad's decision and not mine, and that I wanted Dad to remain at home.
The kids cried, made it very clear they were not impressed, and would not be ok with a D.
H later told me this had a huge impact on him. When our S15 started to cry, H did too. He then told them he hadn't decided for sure, it was just a thought at this point.
He never moved out.
He broke things off with OW a few weeks laer.
You do not have to agree to a S. But if she chooses to go, you can't stop her.
Stand your ground for what you believe to be best for your family.
RW, Thanks so much for your posting. Before I read your post I talked to W (after she called me) and told her that I had rethought my position and said I will wanted to let go of the idea of a S for a while until we had time to think it through completely.
I agree that if she has to leave that will be her decision and not mine. I have let her know in uncertain terms that I do not want a S/D but I will help her pack if she is going.
I also said that we need to wait on telling the kids until I & W are in a better mental place. I want to be further along in the DB process before I make any commitment to having a meeting w/ S/D.
We also made a commitment to host our exchange student in our house for a year. The last thing he needs is to lose his host mother. Of course that would be her choice and she would have to do all the explaining.
Have a family trip planned to NYC next weekend. Should be 'fun'
Anyone have experience in this sort of thing - having to act as a family after the 'bomb is dropped'?
Largely thanks to your guidance...