How 2 fix sex issue if he won't let me?

[alice444]

Jamie,

I may well be your husband. I have not read your story, but must say that my resentment is so strong sometimes that I feel like...

I have been married 15 years now. I gave my wife and ultimatum in Fall of '08 and we've had more sex since then, than our entire marriage combined. She has awakened to the pain it caused me. I will say this... You have no IDEA how it has affected his entire life from how he interacts with friends and family and your children to work production and ambition in life. He has been so hurt that if he's like me he has cried alone with tears of pain of feeling hopeless and lonely.

Actually, I do have an idea, though maybe not the same as living it myself. It made me cry when he described what this had done to him and I felt immense pain and regret. I sense that it is even much worse than he has let on- it's like I killed a piece of him. I feel very very bad for that. But I am not the only one who screwed up, either.

My wife has said the same to me... ie. she'll do it whenever and where ever anytime. The problem is that I don't believe her. Yeah, we've had more sex lately, but I cannot count the amount of rejections and the times she said she'll try or "I promis we'll have more." or "If you do this or that"... I fulfilled everyone of her requests to make it happen. In fall of '08 she had no more requests and I was done. I was so exhausted I turned apathetic and indifferent and said when the kids are graduated, I'm outta here!

Well, if you want to make her desperate, tell her you want a D now. If she's like me that will definitely wake her up. If we assume she's like me, it may no longer be completely about what you do or don't do now. It is being fueled by past anger and resentment that she's let build up and it's built a wall between you b/c she hasn't fully gotten over it. Until she can express this pain to you and have you truly listen and try to empathize and make amends, it will stand in her and your way of intimacy.

She lied so many times about trying and doing it more I don't believe she has changed yet. We just had an arguement about her not making herself available at bed time. From not getting the kids to bed to coming to bed and then just rolling over.

So, I'm not defending her, but when I told my H what she told you, I was not lying. But that anger and resentment kept creeping back in and thwarting the intimacy. Since I felt that - after having tried so many times and being turned away- I could not talk to him about my hurt and get any closure on it- it never got any better and my intentions to help our love life fizzled b/c the pain kept overcoming my resolve.

The comment about your husband acting like a child? F--- yeah! I'm betting you acted like a child being forced our coerced into something, but your husband (if he was like me) knew you had a right to say no and you used and abused that right to extreme in your marriage.

Well, my situation is slightly different in that I have a physical problem that makes intercourse painful most of the time. So, my saying "no" was understood to not always be about desire (though it often was anyway). And I offered lots of non-intercourse activities for him when we couldn't have sex. Did I "use and abuse it"? Maybe. But it's much more complicated than that- and as you know women are more complicated than that- we just don't have as pure libido-unaffected-by-anything-else-going-on (in general- I'm sure there are exceptions) as men do. But his attitude is that he shouldn't have to do ANYTHING to foster a feeling of romance and intimacy in which I'd want to be sexual with him. That I should just want to do it no matter whether he's beeing an ass, doing household chores, being a participating father, etc. That nothing he does or says should affect my desire and initiation of sex. I'm sorry, but that's Bull****. It doesn't sound like you believe the same, but he does.

My libido is lower now than then. I am not sure if I suppressed it or that it is a natural occurance. I am 38 and in phenomanal shape, so it's not physical. I am do not want to toot my own horn, but I am goodlooking and have 2 small businesses that I run. She admires this like a mole on her hand, or atleast that is how she use to treat me.

I'm sorry to hear that. Is it time for you to move on and stop caring about what she thinks of you or waiting for her to change? Or to at least pretend like you don't care as much?

What can she do? Make herself available. Come to bed expecting that I want it. If we don't it should be ok, and not to use it against me (which she does). I use to want it nightly, but sometimes I'ld rather sleep than to deal with my emotions. I've caught myself crying while in the act with real tears.

She can tell the kids that she needs me to give her a back rub and lock the door (she's never done anything like this).

She could give quick bjs now and then. She could do quickies in mid day weekends. These are things I've asked that would help. They haven't materialized at all.

Variations to just mission style. She could initiate. And she will have to do these things indefinitely until I am heeled. Menstration time she could do other things (still alludes her).

So, you say you have told her about all of these options/requests? Quick BJs weren't enough for my H, fyi. Nothing I ever initiated was enough, no matter how interesting, different, often, etc. When you feel like you are set up to fail b/c the other person's expectations are sky high, it makes you not want to try. Do you think you've given her the impression that there is a minimum you expect and you won't be satisfied with any less? If she can't meet that, she may be discouraged about even trying. And you say she will have to do these things indefinitely until you're healed. I understand that and it's legitimate, but again, from the other side, feeling like you're going to have to prove yourself in an area that's been hard for you, when your pain isn't being addressed, and you have no idea how long you'll have to prove yourself, is very very daunting. It makes one want to give up b/c it will "never be enough". I get this feeling very strongly from my H and it's demoralizing. And it also creates more resentment. I felt pressure- immense pressure- and you know, if the result he wanted was more sex, this attitude was NOT the way to go about it- the 'you have to prove this to me as often as I need you to until I'm satisfied, but I don't know how long that will take, then you'll need to continue it forever'. Just something to think about. Do you want to be right or do you want to get what you want?

Have you tried initiating an honest conversation with her about potential deep-seated anger/resentment she has? And really listening to it, even if it makes you angry or you disagree? That would've made a big difference to me.

Hope this helps. Feel free to pm me.

I would, but they've turned off the PM on these forums, so I can't.