flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

CG, I have a pretty good idea of what it was like for you. My best friend in high school had a similar situation in her home. It wasn't pretty and believe me I realize the dysfunction that that creates.

Living with H to have a family life isn't what's best for me, but IMO it's the less of the two evils for my children, especially in the younger years. Although the children didn't see a healthy marriage, they did see a lot of positive things between H and I. There was some affection, lots of cooperation, and some mutual support. We had conflicts but I also modeled managing my feelings and resolving conflicts.

I'm not saying that people SHOULD stay together for the children...I would never make that judgement call for others. I'm just saying that if I had the choice, that's what I would choose for my children. And I think that letting go of M expectations would make that whole sitch easier.

A lot of my own issues are playing into my feelings about this, and this is a case where I think I will have to do some digging to resolve it. The not-OK-ness of it is at such a gut level that I know that it has to do with things that happened before my memory (losing my father when I was 3, etc.). I think I will ask my mother about this. She always idealizes the time after she left my father, but I want to hear the truth about how it affected me, even though I know it's hard for her to go there.

[flowmom]

Passenger, not just that chapter but the whole book has affected me deeply. I recommend it.

[CityGirl]

I understand. I am sure your home was not utter chaos but it did sound stressful the way you described it. Honestly, to me it just sounds like you and H are on very different levels of "being" and always have been based on what you share.

I do agree that our own issues do resurface and overflow when we are left in a marriage. IMO a good percent of the pain has very little to do with being left and more to do with what it brings back in our own minds and how we convince ourselves we feel (unworthy, unlovable and so on)

I know for you it feels like forever but your situation is very new. Once more time passes you will start to see things in a different way. I am not saying it will all of a sudden be easy but your perspective will change (I am not talking about the children, I am talking about you).

I used to HATE when people said that to me... oh, your situation is new and things will change for YOU. They were right. I can't say how it will change as that is individual but it will be different in your heart, mind and soul.

Your H will always be a part of you as he is the father of your children. I think you will find as you learn, grow, accept and detach he will matter less and less. That is not to say you don't wish him well and hope his life turns out exactly how he had planned, but his day to day or long term plans/actions as a MAN won't be more than a blip on your radar. As a father... yes. A man, no.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I'm sure every situation is different. I grew up seeing my mom and dad fighting but what I learnt from that was that you don't run away or abandon your family because you don't want to resolve the issues. It taught us kids that running away from problems is not the answer. My parents, despite their issues, loved eachother and they felt they had something more valuable that they had to make it work than to be selfish and flee. At least that's how I saw it. My sister sees it differently, she says they argued and fought and weren't happy until much later in life when we were grown ups. So what? everyone argues and has issues...love is a choice, not a feeling.

I always say no you don't have to stay together for the children - you stay together (and work on your issues) BECAUSE you have children together, that in itself means a lot. Our lives are mostly lived out...it's them that need their parents.

[alice444]

Today I feel done with caring about what H thinks about me. I was a whole human being before I met him, and I still am. I was intelligent, sexy, warm, adventurous...and nothing has changed about me. I f---- up a lot of things in our M and nothing I can do can change that. H is right, our M was over years ago because he wasn't in it.

It makes me both sad and happy to read this, Flo. I think t's very healthy for you to be done revolving your feelings and actions around what he thinks about you. But, as I was discussing with my IC yesterday, we actually are going to need to grieve the loss of the person we thought they were, the marriage we thought we'd have, and the future we envisioned that (they, in a lot of cases) are wrecking, which is sad. I love your description of yourself. Consider posting it by your computer or mirror, someplace maybe he wouldn't see it but you would, to remind yourself. Bringing that Flo back to the forefront would be an awesome goal.

I thought I could DB for a year, or more, but now I'm not sure. It's been almost three months since the separation, but I've been pursuing him for years. The devastation of abandonment is still with me, but I also see that he is the one who is broken. Love is a choice and he chose not to love me.

The time seems to drag, doesn't it? I feel like I've been here forever, but it's only been a couple weeks. I think at every stage we have the right to change our minds about how much more we feel like investing, etc. As a wise friend reminds me- there are no right or wrong choices... only choices. Part of me thinks, if it is hurting you further to keep this up, maybe it's time for a break- not an "I will never pursue my M again" but just a little break where you're not focused on DB so much? Not sure.

I'm going to have to deal with my agony about my children and what this is doing them. How can I forgive myself?

I think we're all in your boat here. And, you know, most of us had parents who screwed up, too, to an extent or another. I think the hardest thing for me is that since mine screwed up, it was a personal goal to NOT have a failed marriage and to not raise my D with an unhealthy R model. So I feel I've failed in that- just like they did. She didn't ask for this, she's just an innocent little kid who's still oblivious to everything going on. When I think about that, I get overwhelmed with sorrow and regret. But I also know that forcing an M that's not making either of us happy- like my parents did- causes damage, too. They'll forgive us. Especially when they realize that we were strong enough to do what we needed to be happy AND to give them a secure, warm home life, whether that is one or two households. {{{{FM}}}}

[flowmom]

I had an important moment today. I had mentioned to H that I was going snowshoeing, and I could sense a little reaction in him. Some kind of disequilibrium I guess, because he knows that I don't any friends who would be likely to go snowshoeing on a weeknight...he may have assumed it is a "date". Anyway I was walking down the street later thinking about that and I suddenly realized that my thoughts about H were a hook for me. Not a new realization, but it felt fresh at the time. I breathed into the "sticky" feeling and saw that it was about me, not about H. That moment was a babystep towards detachment.

[june72]

Today I feel done with caring about what H thinks about me. I was a whole human being before I met him, and I still am. I was intelligent, sexy, warm, adventurous...and nothing has changed about me. I f---- up a lot of things in our M and nothing I can do can change that. H is right, our M was over years ago because he wasn't in it.

I thought I could DB for a year, or more, but now I'm not sure. It's been almost three months since the separation, but I've been pursuing him for years. The devastation of abandonment is still with me, but I also see that he is the one who is broken. Love is a choice and he chose not to love me.

I'm going to have to deal with my agony about my children and what this is doing them. How can I forgive myself?

This sounds like amazing insight. Wow! So spot on. Seems healthy.

[june72]

Thanks for all the support everyone. It means a lot. This community has helped me so much.

I hope that a new IC will be able to help me with coming to terms with what this means for the children. That's my main fear...the part that feels too big to handle.

Well hopefully this IC won't come out swinging his fists.

Hoping to interject some humor here.... not trying to take things lightly.

[june72]

Just had a random quote pop into my head here... didn't Dr. Phil state it better for the kids to be from a broken home then "in" a broken home?

If your H is refusing to work on the marriage or had "abandoned" the M years ago, IDK....

Just trying to find something uplifting to say, think I am missing the mark.

[alice444]

Just had a random quote pop into my head here... didn't Dr. Phil state it better for the kids to be from a broken home then "in" a broken home?

Yes he does, and it sticks in my head a lot these days. I can attest that parents who stay together "for the kids" but have a nasty, negative home environment with either yelling or stony silences (this all describes my childhood- I used to hide in my closet b/c there was so much yelling and crying), is not a good thing for a child. I think all of us wish we weren't in danger of having a "broken" home for our kids- that's not what we wanted. But probably if they see their parents peaceful/happy and apart, that's much better than the alternative. I wanted so much more for my daughter...