flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

CG, I have a pretty good idea of what it was like for you. My best friend in high school had a similar situation in her home. It wasn't pretty and believe me I realize the dysfunction that that creates.

Living with H to have a family life isn't what's best for me, but IMO it's the less of the two evils for my children, especially in the younger years. Although the children didn't see a healthy marriage, they did see a lot of positive things between H and I. There was some affection, lots of cooperation, and some mutual support. We had conflicts but I also modeled managing my feelings and resolving conflicts.

I'm not saying that people SHOULD stay together for the children...I would never make that judgement call for others. I'm just saying that if I had the choice, that's what I would choose for my children. And I think that letting go of M expectations would make that whole sitch easier.

A lot of my own issues are playing into my feelings about this, and this is a case where I think I will have to do some digging to resolve it. The not-OK-ness of it is at such a gut level that I know that it has to do with things that happened before my memory (losing my father when I was 3, etc.). I think I will ask my mother about this. She always idealizes the time after she left my father, but I want to hear the truth about how it affected me, even though I know it's hard for her to go there.