Regardless, if someone causes that much hurt and pain to people, they should see the error of their ways and be sorry and remorseful. If they are not, I'm not sure they have come out of it, or never will. IMO that opens the door for them to do things like that again, because if they didn't really see the wrongs they have done, why shouldn't they do it again?
Very good point. Anything is possible when someone refuses to see what they've done to destroy a relationship..and the LBS has to be prepared to see things in a light of reality that is so hard to see. And prepare to make some hard decisions when this light is seen.
The rose colored glasses will indeed, fall off, shattering in the floor, and the MLC spouse is seen in less than a favorable light. This is but a part of the growing process...the marriage is divided up into categories: his marriage, her marriage and their marriage...each piece is pulled apart and looked at for flaws, errors, and mistakes.
No one is perfect, regardless of who they are, and mistakes will always made; and life will not be perfect; there will always be thorns amongst the roses.
There are problems when pride gets in the way of a reconciliation, and that's buying the kind of trouble that no one needs.
Each person brings something to the marriage, whether it be baggage from childhood, problems from another life, tools to teach the other...each one balances out the other's weaknesses from a point of strength.
Yet, if pride is not dropped, and all confessed, plus learning from the mistakes made, it CAN open the door once again, to a repeat of mistakes..only this time, in FULL knowledge of what's committed.
My husband said when he broke Withdrawal, he was sorry for how he treated me, described the problem within himself, and made necessary changes to reflect that sorrow. The one mistake I made was forgiving him right off the bat...after doing that I couldn't make him understand that he would have to deal with MY feelings on the matter.
I learned to NOT tell him when I forgave him(though, I forgave him within my heart)...making him think I was holding it on him until he saw his own actions through as each one came up to be looked at. In his mind, when you forgave, you didn't have to deal with the hurt that laid with the person you hurt....and oh, that is NOT true. I pointed out harshly that even though he forgave me for what I did, he was STILL angry with me...and I had to bear this..but it seemed to make NO difference. So, I started going the other direction....working through first, forgiveness spoken later.
He, however, never admitted to the OW he'd had while within the tunnel; I can't say either way how he handled that or resolved that within himself...she was HIS problem, not mine, and I didn't make it mine. I've figured out since then, that he did not wish to cause me further hurt...it was bad enough that I found out without him talking about it; the signs fell and actually sent me into a tail-spin at the time. And he saw that as I confronted him each time a sign fell.
I made it CRYSTAL clear to him that if something of this nature happened again that I'd simply show him the door, and possibly kick his hind end while he was walking out...and I MEANT it.
No, I didn't feel that I deserved what happened, and nearly DID throw him out over it. I saw my contribution toward the breakdown, fixed that, grew, changed, and the rest went into the hands of the Lord to deal with. If I hadn't, who knows what would have happened down the road?
I came to understand that OW was his re-creating of a connection with his "mother" so the break would finally send him into manhood for real;(this didn't happen the first time, and his mother had passed by the time he went into full-blown MLC)...and what happened when he tried to break it off was unforeseen by him. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I don't think he ever meant for it to go that far, but, temptation was laid before him, and he failed the test.
Quite simply, it was an EA that went to a PA when it was breaking down. The connection lasted as an EA one and a half years, it went PA the last six months, and from the signs I saw, he only slept with her three times...and it was close to breaking down totally when that happened.
As I recall, she burned up the phones, his cell and our house phone..and it was laughable at times...but something happened between them right before it broke for good; it might or might not have had to do with me.
I'm not blind to him the way I'd been before his MLC, I see him for what he really is, and still love him, yet, choose to continue to stay with him.
One last thing I probably need to point out, and this IS from my own experience:
It IS also possible to come out with an emotional block that neither spouse sees; until it comes out later on.
This is what has happened to my husband at this time.
Snoddery has said that it means he never truly exited the tunnel, something interrupted his processing. I'm not saying she's wrong....BUT;
The thing is, I SAW him come out, I was HERE when he came out, and I KNOW that it happened.
What I'm seeing here, currently, is one final issue that wasn't resolved while within the tunnel..his parent's divorce at the age of 7.
It's the form of a seven year old child who takes over from time to time, a smart aleck, somewhat mean at times; and quite honestly, I'd like to take a switch to him, but can't...I have to remind myself he's a 47 year old man. LOL!
The child appeared sometime in early 2005, or so..I was still in my Transition, and I MISSED IT!
He's a tattletale, tattling on our son, but backing off when I threaten to have a family conference.
I'm not asking what I should do about this...I'm just telling you what I see at this late date...another possiblity of this trial that I didn't see back then.
That child was NOT present and accounted for because he'd been blocked emotionally, by my husband, at that point in time. And I didn't know to look for him, because he wasn't shown to me.
This was the initial reason I came back. Nobody failed that I can see. It's just another bump in the road to navigate.
It has also come clear to me as I've consulted with people whose parents divorced at a young age that he may NEVER get through this one issue...the child in him will be set to the side, only to come back again later on at a later time.
I'd never dealt with my parents divorcing, so I have to confess I cannot understand what he is dealing with. Nor, do I know how to draw it out of him, so I can help him heal.
I have come to this conclusion:
It is up to him, not me..I can only choose my own actions/path, as well as let him go to make whatever decision he chooses in this.
I know this is NOT about me, it is about the stand of the LBS; yet, this is what I'm facing at this point in time, because what affects him, affects ME also, as we are STILL married.
Thank God, I am NOT sucked up into his drama; I'm actually quite detached from it, looking in from the outside.
So, I threw my cards out on the table to be looked at...and this is certainly NOT a full house.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
