Don't think about that... just keep attituding... part of your attitude that is helping YOU is you NOT worrying about his reactions... once you flip that switch and look over your shoulder you throw the attitude out the window..
Just keep looking forward, if he follows you, that's great, if he doens't... THAT is GREAT too... unlike HIM.. YOU are headed in teh RIGHT direction... so keep going and don't look behind you to worry if he's watching or not
The best example we can give you mb28 is a tightrope walk.. do NOT look DOWN.. just keep looking forward and you will get there... your goal is to be a great mom and a great person people want to be around... keep heading there. If your H doesn't want to join you there then that's HIS loss right?
If you start lookin down again you're gonna fall... just keep movin ahead towoards your goals
Your so right Allen, thank you. I shouldn't be worring about what he will or won't do. And I think I'll know if he starts having second thoughts, but I won't dwell on that and I'll try not to even think about it.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Every moment you focus on your husband and his erratic behaviour is a moment YOU TAKE from YOUR CHILDREN
If you allow him to suck you into his drama again you BECOME like HIM and HE is a BAD FATHER who neglects his children right? Is that where you want to go?
I can't imagine so.. focus on your goals.. it sets an example for him to follow
Every moment you focus on your husband and his erratic behaviour is a moment YOU TAKE from YOUR CHILDREN
and YOURSELF!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
My DH is also neglecting his children. He's a complete alien, crazy. Nothing I can say to that, no excuses to be made. It kind of makes you feel like perhaps it's their real character shining through and you wonder if the other dad you saw before was an act. Well, I like the act better.
Here is a convo I had with H last night. I had to call him to set-up who was getting kids after school today.
H: What is your plans with the kids? Me: See them tomorrow night and then again on Thursday H: And then what, every other weekend? Me: No, I would like to have them back full-time. I'm doing much better and I'm ready. H: How is that going to work, are you getting your own place? Me: Well that is something I wanted to talk to you about. I've thought about it, and I finally agree with what you were saying about me trying to keep the house. I've gone over my budget, and I think I can do it. H: I thought you said the house was to much and it stressed you out. Me: It wasn't the house, it was what was happening to our M that was stressing me out H: Is that how you want me to change it in the D papers (he had them already written up with him taking the house) Me: You change it however you want. I've told you how I feel about getting a D. I was thinking of moving back the weekend of April 9th. H: No, that won't work Me: Oh, do you want me to move back in this week H: No, I need to find my own place first. What about getting our D a 4-wheeler for her bday? Me: That is not a sound finicial decision that I can make right now. If you want to get her one, you'll need to figure that out. H: K, fine.
He sounded very angry about the whole thing. I really didn't want to tell him that yet, but I felt it was the right time because of what he was asking me. I do feel better now that I have told him it though.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I am just curious why you are supplicating to him? If it's your house, why not move in whenever you please? Why do you have to wait for him to move out????
I would move back in ASAP and if he didn't like it-T.S. in my book.
He made this mess he can live with it. It shouldn't have to have you compromising your life. If he is upset with sharing a house, than HE can leave. Or he can sleep on the couch. Right now he has everything the way he wants- the kids, the house, his OW (in your d@mn bed, I might add), and no consequences.
I just worry that the time away from the kids could be used against you in a legal sense. I have no idea though.
And quite honestly, b/c I can be a b@tch when I want to be at times. I would tell him nothing and just be moved in when he got home. Pick a time when you know he would be out. An act as if nothing is wrong. Really would upset him and the OW big time and there is nothing he can do about it. And don't let him suck you into the drama. He's is upset, let it roll of your back. Whatever! The house is equally yours. You have a right to be there. Do not fight with him about it, discuss it,debate it. Just validate and move on, get busy cooking or cleaning. Do not leave the room if he gives you a hard time unless it gets extremely bad or bad for the kids to watch.
Plop your butt on the couch and look at him calmly and state- "I AM STAYING, I AM NOT LEAVING THIS HOUSE". Then turn on the tv and ignore his rant. Act as cool as a cucumber.Take back your control! You are giving ti to him on a platter, IMO.
I like the surprise factor- there is no reason to play nice and give him a head up or "agree" when you "can" move back in. It would have more weight that you are not going to comply with whatever he wants. You are your own person, not someone that obeys him or tries to appease him. Have a pleasant calm demeanor. Let him know that he can NOT push your buttons anymore.
See people have predictable patterns and when you act out of character it really knocks someone off balance. Knock the man off balance, IMO. No more of the expected, same old, same old. Implement changes. You will feel better standing up to him.
Move back in now- it's your own d@mn house!
Enough of my rant! lol
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I am just curious why you are supplicating to him? If it's your house, why not move in whenever you please? Why do you have to wait for him to move out????
I would move back in ASAP and if he didn't like it-T.S. in my book.
He made this mess he can live with it. It shouldn't have to have you compromising your life. If he is upset with sharing a house, than HE can leave. Or he can sleep on the couch. Right now he has everything the way he wants- the kids, the house, his OW (in your d@mn bed, I might add), and no consequences.
I just worry that the time away from the kids could be used against you in a legal sense. I have no idea though.
And quite honestly, b/c I can be a b@tch when I want to be at times. I would tell him nothing and just be moved in when he got home. Pick a time when you know he would be out. An act as if nothing is wrong. Really would upset him and the OW big time and there is nothing he can do about it. And don't let him suck you into the drama. He's is upset, let it roll of your back. Whatever! The house is equally yours. You have a right to be there. Do not fight with him about it, discuss it,debate it. Just validate and move on, get busy cooking or cleaning. Do not leave the room if he gives you a hard time unless it gets extremely bad or bad for the kids to watch.
Plop your butt on the couch and look at him calmly and state- "I AM STAYING, I AM NOT LEAVING THIS HOUSE". Then turn on the tv and ignore his rant. Act as cool as a cucumber.Take back your control! You are giving ti to him on a platter, IMO.
I like the surprise factor- there is no reason to play nice and give him a head up or "agree" when you "can" move back in. It would have more weight that you are not going to comply with whatever he wants. You are your own person, not someone that obeys him or tries to appease him. Have a pleasant calm demeanor. Let him know that he can NOT push your buttons anymore.
See people have predictable patterns and when you act out of character it really knocks someone off balance. Knock the man off balance, IMO. No more of the expected, same old, same old. Implement changes. You will feel better standing up to him.
Move back in now- it's your own d@mn house!
Enough of my rant! lol
YES!!! EXACTLY WHAT JUNE WROTE!! I was trying to figure out a way to type that without being hard on you but what June said is correct. STOP TRYING TO COMPROMISE WITH HIM! He is NOT going to listen...HE is IRRATIONAL right now...HE IS SELFISH right now. You didn't need to talk to him about YOUR house. YOU don't need to EXPLAIN anything to him...Really treat him LIKE the child (because that is the way he is acting. You wouldn't bargin/rationalize with your child on a decision that is best in the end for yourself or your child.
When talking to your husband from now on...imagine him being one of your children that is acting out. How would you act if one of your children had been giving you major attitude, not following the rules, etc.? Would you tell that child what you would "like" to do or would you tell that child what you "are" going to do?
Example, in the convo with your husband, don't tell him you would like to move back in the house...say, "I am moving back in the house." Leave it at that. He didn't need to know when and he CERTAINLY didn't need you to pick a date that is CONVENIENT for HIM.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
I agree with both of you (-: I am going to move back in the weekend of the 9th. I know that gives him another week at the house. But I'm really not doing it for him, I'm doing it for me. It will give me another week to heal without the stress of kids and house. I'm doing a lot better, and I think I'm ready. However, it has been nice having these last 2 weeks to myself. And I wouldn't mind another week.
I've been dying to say this to him, and I'm sure I will have the chance sometime in the near future.
Me: You have chosen to not love me or be married to me, be a part-time dad, and not care about our future or fininances. These are all your choices, not mine. I'm going to make mine and my kids life as stable/normal as possible while you continue with your bad choices.
The above is more journaling then anything, but I would love to say this to him when I get the chance (-:
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Thanks for the prop's 4luv! I personally would not tell him I was moving back in b/c to me- it's unnecessary. It her house! I think it would be less drama to move in when you know he is not going to be home.
The number one mistake DBer's make, IMO, is responding with fear of upsetting the WAS, or trying to supplicate. Fear is enemy number 1!. Do not let it rule your decisions!!
Appeasement does not work- look at WW II. OK, I am getting a tad dramatic here.
Off topic: 4luv- I was trying to figure out the whole alt thing last night. Found flowmom and saw your pic- what a pretty gal!! Trying to get my own alt- not sure if I figured out how to get a nickname yet. I think I will figure it out hopefully. DeeBee - I guess. Best
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
