The latest with me

[ImprovedRomeo]

Jaime, FM and OF thanks for your thoughtful advice! It's nice to have your guys support. Also, don't worry about catching up on my posts...just the last post or two are really what I remember after a day or so (even about myself). lol.

Jaime, I know how you feel and your friend is right about the chess game analogy. I keep reminding myself I need to be nice yet to the point in my interactions but other than that I really shouldn't care what she does, how she feels about my actions etc. In practice I scrutinize my own actions am I being nice enough? not nice enough etc. Combating the negative stuff is hard. Besides, I'm the type who feels better if I can prepare myself for the worst and then hope for the best as opposed to a lot of people that only focus on the positive side of things. I hate getting caught off guard. Shifting your mind to positive thinking is what Dale Carnegie insists you do. When your mind has doubts your confidence wavers and it shows. I know I have to do better, the previous time things were pretty bad but in my mind I was committed to having her back and she did come back. This time I'm not sure if I want her back if she'll be the same way as last time so I'm having a tough time telling my mind to commit to her.

It sounds like helping DD make a card for W and then maybe getting a small cake on behalf of DD that says 'HBD mommy' would be more than enough - depending on if DD's already with her (then no cake) or if DD's with me and I drop her off or W picks her up.

Jaime, I'm not the one who left, the signature is about her actions. She moved out 3 times for 3 different reasons she gave me, used to be 'your anger is out of control', then it was 'you're too controlling' and the last one is 'you criticize me all the time' with a few other things thrown in the mix each time. She hasn't said what she wants other than "I've found a place to live so we're not always fighting in front of DD". It's intersting how she uses words like "always" and "never" when she wants to justify things to herself. That's all she wrote me in an email last time and when I got home she'd already moved a lot of her stuff. Then when I asked why she said "you're being mean to me and you always criticize me for everything". Partly true about criticizing; I am anal and structured - something that helps me at work but not at home and I try to be mindful of it but just can't seem to let go of it completely.

OF, LOL, I wish I was smoking something good. I'm upset at times and not so much at other times. It comes and goes in waves. I guess I won't. I'm just not sure if going dark gray has done anthing at all or if she takes it as if I don't give a damn about anything so she should just move forward with what she's doing.

As for me being sick and still keeping DD I didn't think about it that way because if we all lived together she wouldn't have another place to go stay. We don't share cups etc and take general precautions when sick. Also she's the one who gave me whatever she has. She brings home "the love" from the other kids at school. It's how it's always been. However, if I was really sick I wouldn't keep her because keeping her is exhausting work especially now because she misses her mom if she's not occupied and keeping her occupied is a fulltime job in itself.