Well, guys, the appt with my L went ok yesterday! She is going to get some spousal support going so that I at least will have a set amount I can count on. She also said that we will ask for alimony on top of child support figuring that I will need extra because of health care costs for myself. Not positive we will get it but can ask. Also, she gently asked me to really look around this house and see how badly I wanted to stay in it. It is possible, but do I really want to take on all the stuff that keeping up this old house will entail. I have to say that in the 11 years we have lived here, there have been lots of good memories but...my H cheated on me twice and left us twice in this house...it was OUR dream so maybe selling/moving wouldn't be such a bad thing. WE can move to the town where the kids go to school and there are plenty of rental properties. I would just miss the quiet of this town and our wonderful neighbors. My D11 asked me at one time that if dad didn't come back, could we move to the other town...she even wants to look at for sale houses there...ha! Of course, I would not be able to buy a house for quite some time!
I do feel better after talking with my L. I was feeling guilty over asking for stuff but as she pointed out, H chose to file for divorce, he hasn't seen his kids on a regular basis since he left and we will not be able to count on him. I cried on the drive home but they were kinda cleansing tears. This D is moving forward.
I am still praying that my H finds himself and becomes a better person in the end and that he will eventually find his way back to us but I realize that I am no where ready to handle him coming home at this moment. I read the post in piecing and see just how hard it is so I know there is lots of work to do on myself before I could ever be there!
So, today is a new day! The sun is out, I am wearing sandals and am going to start looking at all the possibilities in the future instead of the things I will miss!!! (am counting on you guys to remind me of this the next time I am down!!!) It is time to put H into God's hands and really work on me!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I just wanted to say hi, and wish you well with things.
Your sitch sounds very similar to mine. Though I just started straight in here at MLC!! I guess things had just gotten that much further down the road before I found this board.
I too am going through the L's right now, and child support etc. Not what I ever wanted to do, but realizing that I have to be tough on behalf of my children and theirs and our future and follow through on it.
We did move out of the dream house, which like yours was full of mixed memories. The only difference being that I didn't have a say in it, because we'd sold it just a few weeks before H left. It was a nice house, and the kids do miss it, but to be honest, it was like a breath of fresh air getting out of there too. It was a suburb house, and the neighbours got all gossipy, and there were to many mixed memories. My kids are thriving in their new environment... still tough for me to start over, but I guess that would have happened no matter where I was. I did buy, but then I feel sort of "locked in" by the immediacy of the decision I made, so maybe renting for a while is not all that bad. Besides, if you look for a bit and get lucky, you can sometimes rent a much nicer place than you can buy.
I know the feeling after the L of the "purging cry". Last visit I didn't even cry (though I was sad). And yes, it does feel like D is inevitably moving forward. But you know, nothing is written in stone. Do what you need to do, and the rest will happen however that is.
Anyways, just stopping by, and hope you find good ways through all this, I totally hear where you're at!!
CW, you sound so strong. Good for you for taking care of yourself and your children. I am terrified of seeing a L or reading anything about D, but I know I have to.
Renting isn't the worst thing. It's a good way to get to know a neighbourhood...sometimes you don't really know what it's like until you live there for a while. We live in an apartment which we have a mortgage on...I love the low maintenance nature of it.
Have a great day!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
CW - I agree with FM above - you are sounding strong lately - and I take encouragement and motivation from that. I've been an emotional bundle of twisted wires for awhile as my Leg Sep and apartment life sink in - a huge adjustment for me after 25 years in a loving marriage. I can also relate to the "dream house" thoughts from SC above - having to sell my house and be in seperate locations from my girls and my W is just so devastating to me. For me - right now - there is no breath of fresh air though. Stay strong - it is what I am trying to do also.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Hi guys...thanks for stopping by and the encouraging words! SC-our sitch's do sound similiar...I am sorry you are going thru this too but sounds like you have settled in your new place well. My L told me that eveytime she and I visit that it will get easier for me so glad to see that it did for you too!
FM-I am strong today...hoping to remain that way...I am actually ok with renting as I don't want to have to do the maintenance stuff on a house, at least, not while there is so much else to do with raising kids, working etc.!!!
Tom-you will get there. The hardest thing for us is that we "thought" all was well in our marraiges and that we could always count on our spouse...
So everyone! I came home today as I had a break in my work schedule to tell you that I had gotten a phone call from a friend telling me that she had seen my in town H driving the hot rod...she also said that OW was driving the our truck. SO.....the ONE boundary that I have set through this whole thing since H left was to not bring HER here again and what did he do? I simmered for a little while and thought I should do the 24-48hr rule and calm down but then I decided that if it was one of my kids that had done this, that I would have to deal it with it right away. I had just asked my L about the truck and how I should handle it as it is rightly mine, inherited from my Dad and she said I could just ask for it or she would send a letter ask him to bring it back...I told her that there was not any hurry. So, after calming down and thinking about it, I called my L, told her what happened and she promplty told me she would call his L and tell her that he needs to hand it over to me.
Now, I know this is going to piss him off big time and he will probably throw a fit and start taking some of his "prized" possessions but that is ok. I will not let that bother me. I think that this is what I needed...to get PISSED off. In the beginning he told me that he didn't want us to hate each other and at the time I couldn't imagine why HE would hate ME because HE was the one doing this to me and our family. I am beginning to understand. I still love him but I think I am FINALLY realizing how far gone his is and the reason everyone on these boards tell you to set these boundaries. So, he broke his promise to not bring her here and now he will see what the consequence is...now, how to handle this with the kids!!!
I have to add that I really think that this will help me with detaching...ha ha!
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CW, from your posts I have a feeling that you are really detaching, that's good - healthy for you. You sound strong...very good. You are at the point that you don't tip-toe around him and are able to say what you want. Good for you girl
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks R2, Mila and FM! It was pretty easy to enforce that one boundary I set! HA! Not so sure how brave I would have been if I didn't have my L doing the dirty work for me but guess it is a step in the right direction!
Yes, Mila...I cannot keep tiptoeing around him! I have never been good at confrontation with anyone, I like to be liked and I don't like it when someone is upset with me....have alwayas been that way so this is big!!! i hope that you are right and that I am detaching, it does seem to be much better!!!
I just hate it that the kids are asking questions now that dad's hot rod is gone! I have a feeling that I am going to be the one to tell them about the D. I think that is why H got defensive the first time I asked him about talking to them...he is a chicken s#@t!!! They will have to be told soon!!!
BTW-I decided to not ask H here for Easter dinner!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
