Tonight W finally admitted to the PA. It was unprovoked and out of the blue. Pretty courageous. Although it is funny that she doesn't think it is wrong. I handled it calmly but who knows if what was said does more damage or not.
She still wants to be married and is very confused. I told her that I will wait as long as I can for her to come to a place of clarity to make her decision but that I wouldn't waif around forever. I also told her that I didn't think that as long as there was someone else involved that MC would work. When she is ready she can come to me.
What was her response when you told her this? You've laid an ultimatum of sorts, letting her know the door won't be open for very long at all for her decision. You have a perfect right to do this..she's destroyed the marriage with her very actions, MLC or not. There's NO excuse for it, none at all.
She wants to be married, yet is confused..that is normal, so now, you wait and see what she does, as the ball has gone right back into her court. Yet, it is in YOURS, too, since her confession to you.
You are right, as long as there is three people in a relationship, NO work can be done on the marriage.
My thinking question for you is this: If she should dump OM completely and come back to you, can you forgive her and accept her back?
The door leading you out of the marriage opened when she committed adultery against you, and you have a hard choice before you that has NOTHING to do with her, but would be a result of her actions against you.
These are things to think about.
Generally, men and women both think differently on the subject of adultery. But then people as a whole have differing opinions.
Adultery is an extremely selfish act, literally spitting in the face of the vows that are taken when married..the violation is far-reaching, and very hurtful toward the faithful spouse.
You're shocked, but not really, as you've suspected this coming.
Remember that she didn't really do this to you...she did it to HERSELF...and if you should choose NOT to have her back, you are NOT at fault for this choice.
No more for me to say here, the choice is yours...it's put you at a crossroads at this time.
I feel for you, I've been there; my husband didn't confess, but I knew, I always knew, and it was a hard struggle for me to accept that it happened.
I had to work through the negative feelings that came when the signs fell and I found out, and it was two years before I totally forgave him for committing adultery against me.
When it did come up again, later on, I didn't bring it up, HE did. And I told him to either tell the truth or shut up, that had been forgiven long ago. But I also let him know in NO uncertain terms that if it EVER happened again, I would NOT go through this again..I would simply show him the door and possibly kick him in the hind end as he went out of it.
In present time, I don't wait for the "other shoe to drop", and the only reason I remember it happening is that it's connected with the lessons I learned while within this trial.
You forgive, but you never forget, because if you forget what happened, you never learned the lesson associated with the offense. Forgiveness is for you, not the other party...you, in effect, tear up the blank check, agreeing not to hold the offense against the other...letting it go. But not until the issue behind the affair gets resolved, or the spouse decides to walk away totally.
In time, you do heal, whether the marriage comes through or not, continuing to grow and change, facing everything that's happened.
Keep us posted on what happens.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
