i dont think we ever forget our H's. but i feel like i do not have a choice. i think DB is great... i wish i read it sooner, or should i say i wish i knew months ago he felt this way so that i could have DB'd and fixed what he felt was so awful.
i think i am giving in. i have nothing left to believe in as far as my H and I. i feel like our three months apart has put such a split between us... not sure he is mentally or emotionally capable of working towards our marriage. i should begin focusing on my life, and my baby's... h has moved on. all i have to do is sign the D papers. he is focused on starting a new life and one that does not include me. once he is done school and working in september and making money, he will be going out all of the time, and maybe the OW will finally appear, and he will be happy to have a whole new life... one without me. Maybe DB is not for me... or perhaps i should say, it is for me, but will not work with him. sorry to be so negative. just think its time i throw in the towel.
gatsby, you sound so strong... wish i could be there. i am going to read your threads to learn a bit more about your sitch. I think i overlooked your post when i read it earlier today! Oops!
when you said 'of course he is not miserable...' it made me chuckle! makes so much sense.
will your H be involved when the baby is born? i read above you said you agree he should not be in the delivery room. truth is, i think i would be extremely hurt to have him in the room...
hope your doing well... thanks for the encouragement.
i think i am giving in. i have nothing left to believe in as far as my H and I. i feel like our three months apart has put such a split between us......... he is focused on starting a new life and one that does not include me. once he is done school and working in september and making money, he will be going out all of the time, and maybe the OW will finally appear, and he will be happy to have a whole new life... one without me.
Big hugs. I am in the same spot. Worry about the split. It's 3 months for me also. But just think, we'll be having babies soon... many wonderful things can change for us then. And our WHs might, just might, come around.
Be careful not to write the future. It's better to be in the present.
We've stopped talking about the potential OW. Have you given up on the idea of finding out about this? While I think you need to put your serenity and well being first, knowing the truth can be empowering for a LBS. Plus with the correct diagnosis of WAS, you can more finely tune your DBing efforts. It's hard to tell with your H if it's a midlife crisis or other sort of breakdown..or another person. I mean, why would you H be scared of being a father? Especially when his parents had a good marriage?
You might get some tips from the Infidelity pages...especially on recognising the signs of and busting affairs.
My H says his family does not support him, and friends neither, but im not sure i buy that. he at times threw in comments that so-and-so said you were mean to me one time and he said i would leave you one day? really? or my friend believes i should do what makes me happy. is that why every one i run into is in so much shock and awe! and then the next minute he will say he does not take anyone's advice and only does what feels right to him. He was re-written our entire life together to sound as if he was never happy and so when he ssys he is much happier now, i am sure they feel he is doing the right thing. the night i recieved papers I contacted his parents, and they basically shrugged it off like what did you think was happening, he said he didnt want to come back? stupid me... i expected their support... but blood is thicker than water. besides...
i am not sure there is OW. probably is... we live in a very small town and cant understand why i can not find out. we know all of the same people. i ran into a few of his old friends, that have reached out to him and they all said he swears there is no one, because they do not understand then why did he leave for no one? i guess he would rather be alone than with me. but why else would he file for D so quickly. he swears there is no one or he would not be living at his parents and he is a FT student so he doesnt work and have money... whatever... i still dont buy it. Something overpowering and greater than a marriage and a baby on the way, some strong force overcame him and made him want to leave... an EA is the same to me as an actual A. He is so down on himself yet he prefers this life. he stopped therapy, and only sent several times, yet he wants to go to coparenting... last week i stress the importance of him needing to go alone before we go together.
i feel like he is having a mental breakdown and MLC all rolled up into one. Honestly i am not sure we can get bck from this... he has convinced himself that this is the right path for him. that what we had was wrong and he is not going back to it.
What i dont understand is that if I had a child on the way with someone I loved (yes, past tense) I would want to try therapy to a) see if we can bring back that love b) try to give the baby a 'normal' family setting c)could this baby be a sign that we belong together. Instead he runs like a coward...
he says the only thing that keeps him going and makes him happy is this baby... but when i mention that he will not be here to bond with the baby like he couldve or to be at the birth, or for the baby to hear his voice now, i can sense that he withdraws and punishes himself and accepts it. why not fight back!!!!!
last week, we had several days of conversations... one night we talked and it reminded me of old times when we didnt live together and were much younger and dating. we talked about the baby and (against all DB efforts) i said to him, we can start from scratch, we can start dating, and see where it takes us. i said a bit more along those lines and he just listened. it was the first time he didnt argue back or say no, etc. i also told him i was not signing the D papers and he understood! but over the weekend the mean words came out and he said if i didnt want a D i wouldnt have filed.
like you mentioned in your thread, i do not want a gofer to help me, i want my H back.
im not sure what my H's issues are. whether there is a OW or not, i feel like he was completley stressed from school, allowed his school life create a distance between us, he was starting to not put our marriage first as the only thing he cared about was school, he looked burned out and stresses in december, and then maybe with the baby he felt like i cant handle this? im not sure... i also think that maybe the baby was a signal to him like 'you will be stuck with her forever'. truth is i dont think he was ever honest with me. maybe he never loved me the way a man should love his wife. i dont think he ever loved me. if you love someone even as a friend, you would respect them enough to try to make it work, especially during a pregnancy. he not only gave up on me but he did give up on the baby too.
i have been reading up on your situation and my heart goes out to you. i hope that you have been finding a sense of inner strength that you never knew you had, both for yourself and for your baby. i can imagine that it's very hard to not let fear drive your actions and reactions right now, in a time where you are about to become a mother for the first time.
do not let yourself think that your H never loved you. back in the fall of 2008, my H suddenly decided that after 9 months of marriage, he simply wasn't ready for the responsibility, and he wanted a separation. it was so out of left field and i struggled so desperately against it that i only made matters worse. i cried, i felt sorry for myself, i asked god why on earth was this happening to ME...but that didn't do anything to make my situation better.
my H was 28 at the time. i refused to let myself think for one second that his leaving had anything to do with me. i think you should take the same stance. if he is afraid of responsibility, or of being tied down, or if he's just stressed out and overwhelmed, that does not have anything to do with YOU. i had to accept that i do not live in my H's mind and control his thoughts, or behaviors, and if he wanted to give up our life together, it was beyond my control.
granted, i wasn't pregnant at the time and i still have no children...but your husband may be dealing with some mental/emotional issues that don't necessarily have anything to do with his love for you. after my H left the first time, he started seeing a counselor and was diagnosed with adult ADHD, which explained a lot of his impulsive behavior, and the highs and lows that we often found ourselves in. my H has - for his whole life - felt the need to cut and run rather than deal with something when he feels overwhelmed. even his sister has told me that his family just chalks it up to my H just being himself. no one's ever held him responsible, no one's ever made him face the consequences of that kind of behavior.
some of your posts about your H could have come from me...how quickly he made up his mind, how sure he was about his decision. it scared me to death. he did end up coming to his senses a few months later, but now i'm right back in the same place and quickly losing hope.
i'm trying my best to not focus so much on the thought "why is this happening to ME??" because i could make myself very unhappy for a very long time that way. your H will have to deal with the fallout, knowing that it was his decision to leave. it may not occur to him now or in a few months or a year, but it will eventually. but don't deminish the good times and the love you had for each other by saying or thinking that he never loved you. you have proof of that love inside you right now, waiting to meet you. sometimes we have to rewrite our dreams...but don't try to erase the early chapters. they are all equally important to the story of your life!
(((babydoll)))
hang in there!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
thank you... i do have to stop feeling sorry for myself and the baby... last night i went to bed and told myself that i am not going to worry about him, or let anything he says hurt me. i am trying so hard
I do think that my H likes the life free from responsibility. He always says he knows im strong enough to live this through... not fair at all.
sometimes i gain the stregnth to see clearly that H's issues have absolutely nothing to do with me. yes, we did not have a perfect marriage, but a pretty darn great one, as he used to say... but not bad enough to leave, we didnt even fight before he left, yes we argued like normal couples over stupid things, but not where we said we wanted out of the marriage. . he said last week, he thought we were indestructable and yet he destroyed all we had.
thank you for writing... i will read up on your thread to find out more about you...
did your H say why he left? this time? have you tried marriage counseling?
Hi Gatsby, i just read her threads... keeps me hanging on for hope.
i would love to write my success story on this site one day. Hard day today... Easter! Yesterday came home to an easter card that H wrote me from the baby. i cried so much.
180s and NC really seems to work, but as soon as he reaches out, i ruin it all and am back to square 1. i just dont have the strength to stick with it. but I will continue to try... again.
BD, your WAH is full of surprises. The D papers a few weeks ago, and now an easter card to you from the baby? Woah. It's too strange to respond to. In fact, it requires no action on your part at all, if you ask me. In my opinion, don't buy into it, whatever it is. Don't try to 2nd guess his motivations. You'll go nuts. He is displaying very erratic behaviour, and I think you gotta ignore it. Deal with what you can "agree" on, ignore the rest. This card is hard to "agree" with, if you see what I mean.
Q - did your H displayed signs of depression in the lead-up to the bomb?
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
