WAH in MLC with PA

[flowmom]

I don't think that paranoia is necessarily your friend in this sitch. I know with my H you are either Friend or Foe. I read somewhere that you want to be the lighthouse...the steady beacon that guides him back home. A bit of reality checking is good, but perhaps there's something you could do to counteract the paranoia part.

[DiamondGirl]

No, paranoia is not a friend in my sitch and I'm aware of that. But I can't control his thoughts and I usually just try to keep my actions as visible and aboveboard as possible to avoid too much of it.

I did tell him I have not sold or given away anything, simply cleaning out the clutter stuff a few times now. Anything more I think would be considered pursuing maybe?

He is still trying to paint me as the manipulative bad guy who made him do all this.. So now he may be trying to say I'm selling everything out from under him I guess..

It's easy for me to see this in his comments... Claims I had an affair throughout the M as opposed to reacting to my past issues... Claims I tricked him into M him so I could be married to get out of my parents' house (I had already been saving for an apartment when we met). The claim before this was that I "stole" his income tax refund this year... Truth is, I claimed the kids because I am the primary caregiver and there is no paperwork to state who is the one to claim them. According to what I read, whomever is the primary caregiver as of Dec 31 gets to in the absence of an agreement. I included his income and the date of separation. I told him to file his and if there are any transfer of credit he's entitled to, mine will be adjusted. But there won't be because he made less than I did last year. So my refund would probably get increased rather than decrease.

Whenever whichever bad thing I supposedly did isn't supported by the facts, he thinks up a new one to not face what HE'S done to our M and R or to justify it.

I think it is also a control thing, as I have not reacted to any of this the way he expected me to.

I'm not sure how to reassure him that I'm not dating... (I'm not even considering it actually as I'm married until the D papers are signed and then who knows how I'll feel then..)

I married forever and I still love the man I married. I know he's lost his way and made some life-changing mistakes... but I've overcome a lot in my past and can overcome this too...

[Cyrena]

Good work on raising the stepfather seed of doubt--as you say, they do notice what you say, and gnaw away at it in their minds. He does need to think about what he'd give up IF he went ahead with a D.

As for accusing you of having an A--that's one of the standard WAS lines. It's meant to make them feel less guilty, and once they come out of the fog it's never heard again, because it truly is just part of making everything YOUR fault.

I don't think you should have to reassure him you're not dating. Knowing that you won't do it until you're D gives you the high moral ground and sets the right example for your kids, but you don't want to make him believe that you're always going to be there, the back-up, pining for him. If he asks, I'd say something along the lines of, "As long as we're separated, I don't feel that my private life is any of your concern." And then, in a friendly and breezy manner, change the subject.

Congratulations on not giving him the reactions he was expecting--you are coming along very well!!

[DiamondGirl]

Thanks Cyrena! I needed some encouragement today. I'm sure tomorrow is going to be a killer day...

The last income transaction I have going through our joint account is coming tonight.. and a little birdie overheard that H is planning on scooping the $$ as he had to give his entire pay to his college to hold his spot for next term. AND he's supposed to visit OW this weekend so he's desperate for cash...(he should have let me sell his fish tank for him then )

I couldn't stop the payment as it was too late to do so, but I'll have to get to the money before he does. Our mortgage payment will be coming out and the money is needed for it...

Next month's check should be switched to my name and bank account solely so it's only tomorrow I have to concern myself with...*sigh*

[Mila]

I read somewhere that you want to be the lighthouse...the steady beacon that guides him back home.

I really like that Flowmom, that makes sense to me, will add it to my aspirations.

[flowmom]

DG, it sounds like you're doing well with walking the line. I don't know about the dating thing. H may be assuming that I'm dating...and I don't know if that's good. It could be alienating. Gnosis recommended against "mystery" in my case. I'm really on the fence about it.

[DiamondGirl]

Well I managed to get the money out of the joint account before H... I'm sure I'll hear of it tomorrow sometime...

He took another small amount out of the account again (I'm assuming for gas) and now there's less than $5 in the account. Less for him to take next time....

OY!

This MLC crap sucks...

[DiamondGirl]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...e=64#Post641835

Here's the link to the lighthouse story in the archives. I printed it out when I first read it and have it handy when I'm feeling down..

[DiamondGirl]

So SIL texted me that H is furious that she warned me of his plan to take the money from the account. He knows the money came in and I transferred it to my own account.

H said he plans to quit school and move to OW's house. I told SIL 'then so be it'. If he's meant to do that, he will. I said I knew it was painful to see him like this, but he is an adult making choices and there are consequences to what he chooses.

She started to blame me for not helping him out financially but I told her that it was his choice to leave me and our family for OW. That we are separated and I should not have to support him financially for the choice he made. She said she wasn't trying to blame me but she is just hurting seeing him this way. Said she doesn't even know him anymore and they used to be so close.

She is hurting because he is her brother and I understand that. I am hurting because this alien is so far from the man I married and he seems to sink to lower levels character-wise with each action he takes.

She is worried that he will try and go after the house now and make me sell it to get his portion. I told her that if he does, he does, and it was meant to be that way.

I feel sad... because the man I married is so far removed from this alien here... and because no one else seems to believe there's a possibility he'll ever come back to sanity except me.

I can feel an acceleration (desperation?) in his actions that I am interpreting as getting close to bottom.. but who knows...
Wishful thinking maybe...

I wonder if they ever just slide to bottom instead of actually crashing and burning...

Thinking about going to a L to see what steps need to be done to protect H from maybe trying to take the mortgage payment money when I put it in the joint account and to find out how I can prevent H from making me sell mine, my kids, and my mom's home...

9:30 here and I'm thinking the day's drama is far from over as I still haven't received the usual spewing determined email from H... I usually get one after he gets mad when things aren't going his way...

[DiamondGirl]

So now what do I do? I have a mortgage payment coming out of my joint account as well as a hydro payment on the 1st... If I put the money in for them, H will probably take the money out... If I let them bounce, then I have NSF headaches to deal with....

AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

I am so angry right now at this whole sitch... And I'm tired of dealing with H's craziness and inflated sense of entitlement!!!

Do I email him and ask him whether he intends to take the $$? I don't think it is beyond him since the money he wanted to take but didn't get to fast enough was for my son's disability care... and that ticks me off even more!!! No shame whatsoever.. no sense of decency...