MLC or not?

[cat04]

Goodfight,

I have finally reread the past few days and feel like I have really caught up on your sitch.

Yes you were here for a long time. Not recognizing MLC, is not a mortal sin. That being said, you now believe that is what you are dealing with, and you are the only one that can make that call. So now that you know what you are dealing with there are certain realities that you must face.

There are NO guarantees. If your H wakes up and comes back, that is wonderful. But that may not happen. If you are going to choose to stand for your M, that is a fact that you are going to have to accept.

There are NO, I repeat, NO quick fixes, NO magic pills, NO tricks, NO specific tactics that will cause him to come out of this.

YOU CANNOT help him. You cannot wish him into his healing. You cannot convince him he needs help, he needs YOU, or anything right now.

Logic and rational thought have gone out the window.

This is a journey of the soul. A journey that takes years more often than not.

It is a journey whose outcome is never known and it isn’t just their journey, it is ours as well.

You keep asking the same questions. I think you need to really take some time and reread the MLC resources, the archives, and try to absorb what you are reading. The answers are there.

You are still very much wrapped up in how to get your H to come home. To be honest, if he came home right now, one of you would leave again not too long down the road. Neither of you are in a place where you could do the work that comes with marriage restoral.

You called Dday a success because his W has come home. He is. However, he was a success before his W returned, because, by his own admission, he finally took time to work on himself. To make himself stronger, to heal, to learn to forgive.

Here in MLC, we try very hard not to define success by the state of our M. Many of us, are no longer married to our S, but are definitely successes. Because we grew, learned, and we live and love. But it takes getting to the point where you realize that your M, or any relationship you may have in the future, is dependent on your R with yourself. If you are not healthy and happy, you cannot be healthy and happy with anyone else for very long.

To answer some of your questions, what you are seeing from your H is normal for MLC. Wanting one thing one minute and something else the next. Accusing you of things, normal MLC spew called projection. Spending out of control, also normal for MLC, do what you can to protect yourself financially.

Do you still love them? Absolutly. Do you tell them? No it is pressure and the last thing you want to put onto a MLCer is pressure.

Dealing with issues with your D? Telling your H what he is doing wrong is not going to do anything but hurt. Because you are criticizing. So you need to find some other way to minimize the damage with your D. This will cause your R with her to change in some ways. Maybe you need to become more open and honest with her. Maybe she needs to be in counseling to help her deal with stuff. But don’t expect to tell your H anything and have him jump right up and say “you are right, thank you for pointing that out”.

Trying to guess what he thinks, means, or why he does or says anything, is just going to make you crazier.

Dating, honestly, I don’t think you are ready to date anyone, let alone your H, who you have a painful history with.

Yes they wear a mask. They don’t want people to know the real pain they are in.

Is there anything you can do? Yes, you can take care of yourself. There is nothing, nothing you can do with him, for him, even if he starts his meds again, he still has stuff he has to work through on his own.

GF, your time in newcomers was spent focusing on your H. Let your time here be spent focusing on you. You can do this. It is hard, it hurts, it takes time, patience, hard hard work being totally honest with yourself, changing, healing, growing. But you can do this.

I promise you if you do the work, even if your M is not restored, you will be better for it.