When I actually asked him outright "don't you understand WHY I can't trust you?" His reply was that he was 'mostly trustworthy". As if somehow the OW and his affair didn't count and should be overlooked.
Yes that's definitely what my WH thinks. He said that "But I never lied to you accept about that". Like it doesn't count !!!! (BTW he had an affair 20 yeas ago that he was hiding and lying about). To him lying and cheating and deserting his family and breaking my heart is all justifiable because he is in "love" and he couldn't help it.
About mortgaging the house. I think that what it will come to is that I will have to sell the house and pay out all of our joint debts (business and personal) and use the rest of the equity to buy a smaller home just in my name.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Sch My H doesn't seem to want to make any decisions (accept for leaving us) He wants everything to be as before accept he is in his apartment which cost us $1,000 a month on the top of all of our regular expenses and that we can't afford. He just doesn't seem to care. When I brought it up (that we can't afford it) he said "Where am I supposed to live?" or "I don't spend much just for my apartment and little bit for food". Like he is entitled and nothing else matters, even if it gets us deeper into debt.
And when I agonize about finances and bring up selling the house he doesn't like it. He just wants so refinance it, like he doesn't realize that's just borrowing more money.
SC I see that you are going through similar problems. We are all in the same boat. The financial entanglement sure make this much more stressful. I wish that I was financially independent it would make this easier.
Hey but we will get through this, we are strong girls and we have no choice but be "supper women" while our dear H are off in lala land
Take care of yourself (((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mine does the same thing about the apartment (it`s just a place to live), but pays more then where me and the kids live, and decorated it `to the nines`. Then his mother encouraged all his family members to help buy him appliances and stuff so he can be more comfortable. What is wrong with these people.
Mila, I look really forward to the day when we are on the other side of this, wherever that may be. ((Hugs)) back, and have a great day.
Hi Mila...sorry your meeting with your H didn't go too well. At least you had the guts to set one up and lay out some options! Sounds like you handled it well. I am just going to let my L handle it.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Have you taken the steps to separate the business from a family run business to one of two business partners? It seems like you say "we pay" a lot for non-business items.
I don't want to make recommendations on how to run your business, but it appears that YOU aren't making the changes for the business. That YOU are going to make the sacrifices to keep the company afloat.
What I did, though it really isn't necessary....is run my business as though I am an employee and not the owner. Does it cost me more in taxes...yes it does....but it also clearly defines the separation between business and house.
Why not switch your husband and yourself to payroll and just quarterly withdrawals on profits (better yet, in this economy...just year end). That way you each receive pay to cover your individual bills and your bills aren't getting paid by one account.
There is just something wrong to me when I read;
Quote:
his apartment which cost us $1,000 a month
Which to me should read....He pays for his rent with his pay.
I look really forward to the day when we are on the other side of this, wherever that may be.
Sch - You have no idea how much I already want to be there.
CW - so far I'm doing it without a lawyer...see where I get. WH doesn't want one either.
Lfw - our business is a corporation, very small, just the 2 of us, no payroll, work is subcontracted. The company is our only income and it's doing really badly thanks to him flaking out in the past year. So our personal and business are very intertwined. We still operate from our joint accounts business & personal. My plan is to sell the house and payoff all the debts, personal and business. Then take my name off of all guarantees and credit facilities. That's how I'm planing to separate from this mess. Then I'm hoping we can agree on salaries and support and go from there, that is if the business is still around and I don't have to find a job.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I think that business plan is not too bad. We will see what LFW says. Of course the real estate market stinks right now but when all gets said and done you will be out of debt!
I think this is a huge problem that you are not addressing. Other than this issue....you are doing incredible. I understand how the two can get intertwined and the pitfalls that arise when this is done in a good marriage.
I know that you would like to save your marriage....but right now that marriage is dead. Your husband wants to continue the business side of the marriage and toss the rest while he see's the OW....so once again the marriage is dead. Yet you both are continuing on like everything business wise is normal except the OW......I don't see that as normal.
Quote:
My plan is to sell the house and payoff all the debts, personal and business.
because
Quote:
it's doing really badly thanks to him flaking out in the past year
Hmmm....so I can get this straight...You are selling the house to pay bad business debt caused by a business partner not getting it done? Would you do that if he wasn't your husband?
Say you sell the house and his behavior continues....You are out a house, out a business, and in need of a job.
Quote:
Then I'm hoping we can agree on salaries and support and go from there
I am just being MLC realistic here.....once all the debt is paid, do you really think you will be able to agree on salaries? If he continues with his behavior (could be years) the debt snowball will start rolling again. It seems that he travels a lot...on COMPANY cash and has limited revenue production. Is he creating revenue producing work? Work that can be invoiced with no revenue as agreed to as part of a service package contract? From what you have explained....he should be invoicing productive work for about 30 hours per week.....Does he do that?
Mila-I have been on this board for a good period of time. I have seen a few that had a family business of some sorts. The truth though...you are the first I have seen were both spouses are so involved in the one business. That makes your situation rather special. It is almost like there is two DB worlds for you...the marriage side and running a profitable business side. You may have to sell the house....but could that be like selling a car because it shakes a little when all that needed fixing was a lug nut tightening?
I don't know that much about the business you run, but it does seem to be an incredibly difficult situation that you find yourself in with a WAH/MLC and a family business.
There's some books out there about people with joint businesses when this happened (mostly written by women!), and they got the business valued by a L. Then one person had to buy the other out. So for example, he could keep the business and pay you for your half. Plus child support plus alimony, especially because of the situation he left you in. Or you could keep it but then you'd have to run it. He can't just walk away and leave you with all the responsibilities and no financial future, especially after a long marriage -- though he may try. Have you talked with a L?
I see your concerns and your points in what you are telling me. I'm going to try to explain better where I'm coming from.
Our home is our biggest asset (besides our troubled business). WH told me that I can have the house. However the debts that we have; business and personal have personal guarantees attached to it. So I'm jointly responsible for them. If my WH disappears into the thin air I have to pay for all of it. So paying it all off is in my best interest in our situation. That way I also feel that I'm fair to him since I will keep everything what's left of the equity in our home after everything is paid off (Where I live the law believes in no fault divorce & 50/50 split). After all of our debts are paid off it will still leave me with a hefty cash payment towards a smaller home and I will have to take out a small mortgage for the balance. Small enough that I can pay for it by myself even if I have to take a job. Or I can buy an apartment all cash.
After the debts are paid off, I will still remain 50% owner of the business, but I will remove myself from all financial guarantees and as the officer of the corporation, therefore will have no financial obligation for future business debts. I will remain as a shareholder and will work for the company in the capacity that I'm currently working - on a salary and with 50% share of any future profits. I also expect WH to pay spousal & child support. Hopefully we can agree on an amount without a layer just to do a notarized separation agreement. If not I will have to involve lawyers.
I'm trying to set everything up in such a way that I'm protected from further debt and that if worst comes to worst and I have to get a job and he doesn't contribute, D16 & I will be OK financially (not great, but OK). So that's my big plan for now.
Should it not work (us working together) I will have to go to a lawyer and have the company evaluated and he may have to buy me out. That is if the business survives.
Your Opinions and Ideas are welcomed.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
