I believe my husband has been going through a MLC since January 2009. Maybe before that because he had become emotionally distant for awhile. The OW started texting him in May of 2008. He started texting back in September of 2008. He has told me that we will never get back together, that he faked loving me for years and that he only likes me as a friend. I really find this hard to believe. We have also been intimate all this year and several different times he has told me he loves me. The OW became pregnant in September.
We have been separated since August. He broke up with the OW in November because she smoked pot while pregnant with his child and then he proceeded to hang out with me. I, like an idiot, got my hopes up and believed he was coming around. In mid-January he did a 180 and ran right back to her. This is the same man who told me he was happy that they had broken up because she was immature, he didn’t like her family and he knew they would not make it together. He came back around in February and we started to hang out again. We have to file for bankruptcy because neither one of us can afford the house on our own and the mortgage company is foreclosing.
The end of February we had an argument because he wanted to take the sink from our bathroom to the OW’s house since he planned on moving in with her at the end of April. (Baby is due May 9th) He decided to move in with OW within in 1 week. Which he has now moved in with her.
Saturday night I called because he told my son that he was going to cut the tree down at our old house which I do not want him to do. I may still buy the house back at Sheriff’s sale. Before I can say anything about the tree he starts in on me and asks me if I sent porn to his computer via email. I told him I didn’t and he says that the OW has also received porn sites in her email. I told him that I didn’t do it. But of course he didn’t believe me. (It was probably her trying to ally herself with him against me. She wont let him and I be friends. He says she checks his phone and his email account) He also asked me if I had my portion of the attorney fee or was just holding up the bankruptcy on purpose? He told me I had to let go of the house. I told him I had my share of the attorney fee but that I thought he should pay more because it is because of him that we have to do this. I also told him that we aren’t the only client’s this attorney has. He then told me that I should get help for my head because I am so messed up. I told him to get over himself and that I didn’t love him anymore (lie) and that I no longer wear his ring. (It was a posey ring and said in French “I will love no other but you”. It just doesn’t feel right to wear that anymore.)
Also his daughter has now invited my husband’s family to a baby shower for the OW with the OW’s family. (2nd live birth and 1 miscarriage. Her first child is a 6 year old boy. Pregnant 3 times and never married) Now my husband says he is still going to get a paternity test. I wonder if his daughter even knows that. She isn’t talking to me because – well I’m not sure why. She says I cheated with her dad on her mom (which I didn't)and that everyone would be better off without me in the world. (But that is another story) It is just so tacky to have a shower for this OW. It is like saying why here you go here is a present for breaking up a marriage and getting pregnant with a married man. (She quit taking birth control on purpose in May to get pregnant and my husband knew this but wasn’t thinking with the right head. He thought because of his age his sperm wouldn’t get her pregnant.) We are still married because I need his health insurance and his employer actually still pays for the premiums. (The OW is on government assistance for her health insurance.)
Why does MLC make them act so strange, stupid and hateful? He has gotten everything he wanted since he started his physical affair with her. We got back together 3 times and each time he never truly tried. But now that he is living with her he keeps saying “I have nothing to hide from her”. He also shows her any text messages or emails I had sent him. I have now since Saturday gone completely dark. I hope that I can do it. He was my best friend since 1982. This stupid OW wasn’t even born then…
I guess I am most afraid that he will not make it out of the MLC and be with her forever. I still love him but I am choosing not to be “in love” with him now. This is so hard. I wonder what stage he is in on his journey in the far country. I hope he ends it soon. I miss my friend. Any suggestions on how to stay strong and stand for my marriage?
He then told me that I should get help for my head because I am so messed up. I told him to get over himself and that I didn’t love him anymore (lie) and that I no longer wear his ring.
DBing 101 - validate his feelings and don't defend yourself
For starters what he is doing is projecting the feelings for himself onto you. Your response? I'm sorry you feel that way or something similar that shows that you're acknowledging his feelings. Don't lie. It makes you no better than him and ploys won't work.
What have you done to improve cynmad over the past year?
I did text him later and told him that I was sorry that he felt that way.
It is just so hard to remember that this is his journey only and that only he can take the trip.
I guess I messed up my response to him. But he was yelling and yelling and I probably should have just hung up instead of reacting.
What have I done for myself?
Well I have reconnected with friends that I haven't kept in touch with throughout the years.
I am becoming more involved in the church that I attend.
I am learning to cook! I always was the baker and he was the cook in our relationship. I wish I had a big eater to cook for though. My daughter (19 years old) doesnt eat a lot anymore. So I end up eating the same thing for a week.
I want to start doing photography again. I've been going over my camera equipment and getting it ready.
I will not go in depth yet....I will let the other folks help with the beginning stuff. The one thing I will say again...detach. Your whole post is about him (very normal of newbies) and very little about you.
As for the OW....I think the answer is right there in front of you. It just takes time for it to come into fruition.
C Sorry for your pain It is all so very difficulay and there is no easy answers but the other have sugested is helpful to read to focus on you try to create a new life find a hobby make some new friends as far as H and OW I know how painful it is to watch my xh did Marry ow but time does heal one never knows what the odds are for these Affairs supposedly they are not very good so chances are it wont last but either way we LBS have to find ways to move forward Due to the circumstances I would also try to limit contact keep conversations brief cordial to the point and pray to let him go I also know it is so hard to let them go but again time spend this time healing and working on you your happiness ect and all else will come as planed It is out of our hands peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Your D is 19, H's D from a previous M is throwing a baby shower for OW 25... is your stepdaughter older than OW?! If so, that's just ridiculous and wrong on so many levels. Plus OW's a pothead welfare mom? That R has a LOT working against it.
Like Peace said, going as dark as possible would probably be best right now.
"I told him to get over himself and that I didn’t love him anymore (lie) and that I no longer wear his ring."
This wasn't too egregious a slip-- just a single sentence. I wouldn't beat myself up too much about it if I were you.
My stepdaughter will be 21 on April 17. The OW just turned 26 in March. Not much of an age difference. He says she wont smoke pot after the baby is born. Which I dont believe for a minute. She used to smoke 2 - 3 joints a night before she got pregnant. He also wants to get a paternity test but I really don't know if he will or not.
I am trying very hard to stay dark and it seems to get easier each day. I haven't talked to him since Saturday. I did email him yesterday because the lawyer called and I basically relayed what the lawyer said. Nothing personal. He did reply but the tone of his message sounded angry (not at me) but about the bankruptcy maybe? So normally when I would email I would then send a text later or call to see if he got it and I didn't do that at all. I was quite proud of myself. I'm not going to respond to his email until I have more information from the lawyer's secretary. Which is unusual also for me because I would normally keep emailing him.
This is hard because he isn't the man I fell in love with. I so miss my friend and he hasn't really been a friend for a long time.
I know we are supposed to distance and detach. But everywhere it is written that to end the affair they are supposed to have no contact at all with the affair partner. So what if having no contact with the spouse makes it easier for them to end it with us?
I know for my own sanity and health that I just have to let go. I know this but that doesn't make it any easier.
C there are no easy answers I too struggled so hard and long with these same questions I obviously lost the fight to get my M back
all you can do is try your best keeping the door open allows for a r--but it also is very painful for the LBS to have contact and watch her H leave to OW it also allows H to keep a foot in both worlds--which is fantasy H cant have it both ways at this point H will usually only from what Ive seen here choose OW b/c R is still new and she makes him feel good I thinbk it is a game to OW limiting contact makes H see and feel the reality..spouse is gone and will not be his best friends anymore there are NO guarantees but as time goes on you will get stronger and better able to detach more therefore, helping you heal H has to work his A out alone either he will stay or go you will do best to stay out of it completely if we poush they will choose OW for sure Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
