Good questions Jac - he does have some deep seated issues, but he's one of the most "normal" guys I have known. He seems so stable, but once you live with him for a number of years, you find that his conflict skills are nil. He's passive aggressive, runs away from conflict, and is unable to stand on his own two feet. He's a Libra and blames his indecisiveness on that. He's got a very, very deep seated need to be approved and loved, and that's what I'm hanging on to make this intervention work. He needs his family and friends, and IF his friends go along, it will help out immensely. His mother alone will not be enough, I'm afraid. I need his friends to stop normalizing it. They're very sweet, true blue friends and I really love them. I am counting on the strength of their moral character and love for DH to make them realize the truth, that we need time to heal and they are helping split us up. The best man especially was in love with a woman who was verbally and physically abusive and just split with her but still loves her, so when DH told him I was volatile (not true, except that recently I had blown up - I think it's unfair to judge 11 years of good with a few months of bad - which was only about 3-4 incidents) - anyway, when he told him that, he of course sympathized with him. He's never spoken to me about it so he's totally believing DH right now, and as friends are wont to do, he's wanting the hurt to just stop.
I don't know. I just don't know. I'm putting all my eggs in one basket and relying on him being "in" there somewhere. The real him, not this alien. I know he will be very hard to reach at this point as the PEA/oxytocin, etc are going nuts in there.
Trying to put together the intervention. I'm thinking of having a talking stick and everyone gets to take turns to talk, brief, to the point, strong, and not guilt-ing at all.
What is the outline I should use? 1. I know about the A 2. You've done this before 3. You thought I and then the last one was your soul mate, and now this one also 4. You're destroying the family and me - she's destroying her H 5. You should be protecting us from her 6. It's chemicals that are making you attached to her and think she's "the one" - you barely know her 7. We have a shared history and I'm asking you to cut it off completely and give us a real chance and not run away from our problems. It will take some time to get the chemicals to subside. (should I mention that if they were really meant to be together, he's waited 25 years since high school to find her, he can wait another little while?)
Also, DH has said several times - almost absentmindedly - good marriages don't have affairs. I know this bothers him a lot. He really feels hurt by this A. I want to show him the research on it. What do you all think of me gathering copies of pages from books from several people and giving it to him the day of the intervention and letting it sink in a bit? I won't say anything, other than please read these and then walk away. Maybe seeing it in black and white - yes, good M's are prone to having A's also if the parties are not careful - that will help him mentally accept that the A is not the end of the world/M. Right now I think he's gone so far in his mind that he thinks he can not come back. I need to be the light that guides him back to me.
Just had a coaching session with Chuck. He thinks I need to have PMA, stop showing desperation because I see the ax hanging over my head (time to Retro is not 17 days)
He wants me to focus on the value in the marriage. He made the analogy that if you go to a car lot, the salesperson doesn't show you the price tag, he sits you in the car, shows you the leather, the moonroof, lets you take it for a drive. I should be doing the same to DH.
More smiling. I have a beautiful smile and DH loves that. He also likes to laugh, so lots of laughter is important. Both for me and for him.
He said to GAL because if I have that sparkle in my eye and bounce in my step, it's attractive, plus it makes me feel good.
He warned me that when I begin to be effective, he'll try to push my buttons. He thinks he knows me and when he sees me making changes, he'll distrust. If I give in to his button pushing, it will relieve him of the pressure. If I keep up whatever works, he will be thrown off balance. He thinks that although this is our second time through, it's still an effective technique. However, it may take longer this time.
He said not to meet with his friends. That's his support network and if I take it away from him, all he has left to comfort him is the OW. Likewise, he thinks if we do an intervention, as he's a runner, he will run away right into her arms. He'll feel as if I manipulated it and took away his friends and family and use it to show to himself and OW that I'm vindictive, further pushing me away.
He does think I should go to Retro, but not to do the intervention.
He also thinks I should let him know before Retro that I know of the A. He also feels as if I should use Michele's book as a template to do the confronting.
Interesting perspectives. I can see it all working, but DH is so withdrawn this time, more so than last time. Or maybe that's my memory rewriting history. I do see the "he's a runner" point. He runs from conflict, for sure. I really have to think on this. I was really counting on DH's personality - needing approval - to win him over at the intervention.
I read Penny Tuppy and Harley as well, and they are keen on recognizing the addiction and that MWD's nice guy/girl policies won't wake them up from that.
Dealing with an addiction is not the same as dealing with a simple wayward spouse... It requires a lot more firepower.. it my opinion and Harley as well as Tuppy
The thing is, if you don't do the intervention, you have to rely on being nice to him to get him back... and it will humiliate YOU in the process.
Your call, I reccomend challenging them outright with consequences if they don't want to end it. I don't find the nice-girl approach works if there is a powerful addiction happening...
I can add more comments to your notes above if you want. I don't know if I would go into details with your H about the addiction, I really don't think he cares about that.
He needs to hear he's destroying people and that if it doens't end, there are these consequences - and list them.
If you haven't confronted him yet about the OW, then that is the first thing you should do. Actually I'm surprised you haven't done so already seeing as how he's telling everyone she's his "soulmate".
Oh and don't pay too much attention to that "soulmate" comment. I think we've all heard it. Blah.
So confront him by saying something like you know he has OW. You love him, but will not stand to be disrespected as you are his W. He'll say something like that's why he's asking for a D, etc. But hold up your hand and repeat that as of this moment you are still his W and deserves the same respect that he would expect from you since he's your husband.
Don't issue an ultimatum, just make your stand confidently and strongly but with no anger. That's the toughest thing you will ever have to do, but you can do it.
Retrouvaille works only if both partners are honest with one another. With OW in the picture, it's going to be tough and his focus will be on her and not you.
If you're going to show PMA, you have to make it real and not "forced". Which means to a certain degree you have to detach from him emotionally. Kind of like acting in a role. You pull back your emotions enough so that you aren't constantly asking if what you're doing is right or why is he doing this or that.
You detach to protect yourself. Think of yourself as the WAS. I believe this is something you need to do asap since Retrouvaille is coming up.
He may very well still be in there, but you need to dispel the fog he's in. Not with a hand fan, but with a hurricane.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
