Husband in Crisis - what do I do?

[flowmom]

DU, good for you for keeping busy! Sorry to read that your weekend was rough. Go easy on yourself. You're healing, it just takes time. sending hugs...

[DestinyUnknown]

I know it has been a while since my last post. It has been a very depressing and hard few days. I am having issues with faith, hope, disappointment in myself and others disappointment with me. I am "doom and gloom" as they say. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. There does not seem to be any "definite hope" to my situation.

During a sermon Sunday, while I was already struggling with faith, the minister said, "nothing happens without God's permission....he is driving everything in your life today."

I began to again to question and believe that God does not hear my prayer, because he is driving the actions that allowed my H to walk away, that allowed the issues of my past to persist. How can he allow this to happen? I am so concerned that God is disappointed in me and my decisions (even recent actions/decisions) and that his WILL does not include reconciliation with my H. How can I have any hope that my M could be saved from D if God is driving and caused the events to take place?

I know that there may be comments back on this, but I had to document how I am feeling and the struggles I am having with faith.

EVENTS of Yesterday:

1) I had a difficult morning leaving my home at 4:00 to go for a drive, not really sure of where to go. I ended up in a parking lot of a shopping center crying in my car. I called one of the 3 DB friends I have spoken to by phone. They helped me to continue to live (even with the issues they are having in their sitch).

2) I drove back home, showered, had another cry, and got dressed for work. During this time, I was on the phone with my DB friend and my H called (I did not answer). A concerned neighbor/friend stops by because he received a call from my sister who was worried about "what I had done" and because she was not able to reach me.

3) I hang up from my DB friend to speak with my neighbor. I had a breakdown (really disapointed myself). He said my sister told him that I received papers and that she hadn't been able to reach me since early Saturday (and Sunday was my B-day). I just told hom that my H and I were having problems and that I really appreciated the concern and asked that he not discussed with anyone. He is a very good neighbor (whose W recently passed - so he says he knows how it feels).

4) During the brief convo with my neighbor, the H enters the house. I had no idea that he would stop by. My neighbor left for us to talk. The H said he was concerned because he called me on Sunday and I did not answer. He then hugs me tight. Then looks at me and tells me that he cares for me and my well-being. It is the thing that "keeps me (the H) up all night" is what he says. We have a brief conversation (while at times he seemed agitated, he was decent). He then gathers mail, his passport, other documents and says: "since you gave me the stuff, then I will call my L and have her cancel the court summons". I then ask about the other court summons (which was for separate maintenance), he said "that was when I wanted you out of the house, and of course I do not want you out of the house". I said, the document seemed more like a SA, but it did not call out specifics other than the house and that he moved out in Dec 09. It didn't include information on how bills were to be covered and by whom, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, pension, retirement or anything.

5) I ask him if there was any more info on his deployment he could share. He said no that there was no new info and that he wanted to spend time (a few days) with me before he deployed, but that I should have no hope because he was not going to spend that night and that he has no intention of moving back home because it was no longer his home.

6) He took a few shirts (3) from our closet and hugged me again. Not sure if the hug was for guilt. He heads to his car and before leaving, he held my hand tight for what seemed like an eternity.

I going dark from everyone.

[Cadet]

Maybe its just me but I see a lot of positives in your post.
Your H is in MLC without a doubt. He seems to have a lot of confusion. He needs space. You going dark is a great idea. Your H needs to digest all of this and see positive changes in you. You have a chance to rebuild in the future. You need to be strong up until that point.

Him giving you a hug is huge. He is in there some place. You need to let him do his work. You are making huge strides to get better. You need to keep moving forward.

DU you can do this!

[DestinyUnknown]

Thank you OP.

You may be right on the positives, but he is still saying, "I do not want to be with you, and I know how YOU feel. I am not spending the night (even though I never asked him to); but I want to spend time with you before I deploy...."

When I say dark from everyone, I mean my family included. I know they love me and want me to be okay, but I am feeling stressed and beginning to feel like I am letting them down by not giving up. Then I found out that my Dad told our extended family about my situation (not good). He was my confidant and I feel now that the entire family knows. I only found out this morning after checking messages from my Landline and receiving vocie mails from members of the family I have not spoken to in YEARS!

I really do not need the added pressure at this point. Thoughts?

[MrBond]

DU,

Sorry to hear that you were in such a tough position. I honestly think the hug was more to satisfy his guilt rather than your sadness. I mean he told you not to get your hopes up and then hugs you. That's just him patronizing you.

As hard as it is, you have to stay strong. Right now he is still controlling you. HE is "allowing" you to be in the house. HE cares for you and your well being (while wanting a D), HE wanted to spend a few days with you.

Well what do YOU want? He pretty much treated you like dirt for the past few weeks and now that he's leaving he wants to spend time with you. If he were coming out of his MLC, he would APOLOGIZE for treating you the way he did. Look at some of the other sitches that turned around. It's not until the WAS shows genuine remorse that they start to turn the corner.

[Cadet]

I think you are thinking much more clearly.
You are on the right track with what you are doing.
I agree you do not need any extra pressure from your family.

Unfortunately I do agree with Mr. Bond however I think you can take a small positive out of that. Just do not get your expectations up.

[cat04]

DU,

I too went dark, well dim, with most of my family. I talked to them about fluff stuff, would not talk about the sitch or my feelings, because I too felt like I was letting them down. So just enough conversation to let them know I was still alive.

Until I got stronger. Then eventually, I was able to rebuild the relationships that I WANTED to have, not with all of my family, (like you there are some extended family that I hadn’t talked to in years). It is OK. I promise. Just because someone is related to you by blood, doesn’t mean that you MUST have them in your life.

As far as God, Destiny, He hears your prayers. However, God does not interfere directly in free will. His vision of what our lives are to look like may not be quite as specific as ours, or even the same as ours. But His vision is always correct. It is up to us to allow Him to work in our lives or not. Right now, you H is not allowing that to happen.

One thing that helped to restore my faith, because I felt like you did for a long time, and I really believed that God had forsaken me, was to stop asking for a specific thing to happen in my life. To start praying for more general things.

Instead of praying that my H “woke up” and came back to me, I just started praying for his healing and happiness, in whatever form that took. I also prayed for my own strength, healing and happiness. I gave, many times while sitting in the car crying and yelling at Him, the anger and the pain to God because I didn’t want it anymore. I asked him to fill me with peace instead. And I had to keep doing this because I found I would hand things over, and then, I would take it back and be angry and hurt all over again. It is a process…

It was after doing this for a while, and remembering the miracles and acts of God that I had already experienced in my lifetime, that I did start to feel better. I had the tools in front of me to become educated about what I was dealing with, to learn about MLC, depression, faith, different faiths even within the Christian community, I would just open the Bible to where ever it opened and read, and take what I could from it. Instead of looking for a specific passage to fit my perceived need at the moment.

Time…it is important to realize that OUR time, is not God’s time. And this happens on His time, not ours…

Patience…a lesson we all have to learn through this I believe…is necessary when dealing with God and all things in life.

Ask Him for the strength to endure this trial. Ask Him to hold you up and walk with you.
He will even if you don’t always feel Him.

There is a reason you found this board. He has already sent you people to help you through this. Those that you have spoken with, those you have posted with, those who have reached out to you. But He will not force them onto your life. You have to choose to welcome those people who have reached out to you and trust that they have done so for a reason. A reason that you just do not know yet, but will eventually will be revealed to you. God is working in your life and in this situation.

Blessings,
Cat

[ericmsant2]

DU

I am "doom and gloom" as they say. I don't want to feel this way, but I do.

Just remember that YOU control how YOU feel and for the record your not always doom and gloom

There does not seem to be any "definite hope" to my situation.

The definition of hope - To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life.
Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

There is ALWAYS hope! Your hope though should be a hope in YOU and where YOU will land/become.

How can he allow this to happen?

Maybe He is trying to tell YOU something. Stop looking at your H and look inward. Change YOU. If you are an open spirit then He can work in YOU.

I am so concerned that God is disappointed in me and my decisions.

He is not disappointed. We all fall short dear...all of us. Maybe just maybe He needs YOU to stop trying to fix this and just trust in HIM. As several have told me - let go....let go... Remeber He loves you regardless of anything that you have done. Don't let these negative thoughts take control - they are feelings and feelings will change.

that his WILL does not include reconciliation with my H.

Do you really know His WILL? Or is this that crystal ball thing we all do. I am guilty of this as well so let's you and I agree to put away the crysal ball for now.

How can I have any hope that my M could be saved from D if God is driving and caused the events to take place?

Hope/faith is not based on anything you see or hear. It is a belief that He will do what He said he would do. Trust Him he knows what He is doing...remeber He is God.

I had a breakdown (really disapointed myself).

It happens and is normal so DO NOT beat yourself up for this! Crystal ball and fortune teller aside...you are human - so be gentle with yourself.

The H said he was concerned because he called me on Sunday and I did not answer. He then hugs me tight.

Then looks at me and tells me that he cares for me and my well-being. It is the thing that "keeps me (the H) up all night" is what he says.

"since you gave me the stuff, then I will call my L and have her cancel the court summons".

he wanted to spend time (a few days) with me before he deployed

IMO - All positives and it shows that He is confused. Do Not push - give him the space he needs to figure this out. Keep doing what you are doing. Keeping seeking God face!

"that was when I wanted you out of the house, and of course I do not want you out of the house".

Seems like and answered prayer to me! You see He does hear your prayers. Have you ever thought that maybe just maybe he want's you to trust Him!

I ask him if there was any more info on his deployment he could share.

Stop asking some of these questions...it is preasure. If he wanted you to know he would have told you.

but that I should have no hope

Does he really control how you feel...how you hope...if you hope....sounds to me like he has way too much control over YOU. Are you comfortable with that? Personally, your hope is just that YOURS!

he held my hand tight for what seemed like an eternity

IMO - another sign that he is confused.

I going dark from everyone

Sounds good. Surround yourself with positive people and people that support what you are doing. Just remember you cannot do this alone.

You are doing great DU - you are bouncing back quicker and quicker. Patience dear...patience...

A few questions for YOU....
- Where is the puppy that you promised yourself?
- What other GAL activities do you have planned? If I recall Geonos (sp??) asked you to list a few.
- What changes do you think YOU need to make?


God Bless,
Eric

[Mila]

DU, I know that you feel overwhelmed with it all. When I was where you are, I had the darkest thoughts as well. You have to learn to let go of the old. The old marriage is dead. If it's ever to be again, it needs to be rebuild from it's foundation.

What helped me is this; I started to look at the situation as an opportunity. Opportunity to become a whole independent strong person that doesn't need a husband to feel fulfilled and happy. Don't get me wrong I still love him dearly, and there is nothing that I want more then to spend my life with him and I still hope that I will in the future, but I will be OK if it doesn't happen.

If you still believe in God (or even if you don't right now) this is an opportunity that is given to you (or forced upon you): Your WH needs to grow (call it growing or MLC...doesn't matter). He is changing and you need to change as well and became a strong and independent woman. Neediness is not attractive. Strong and independent is.

After you both go through your changes you may like each other much more and you may even fall in love again and build a new relationship. Or you may realize that YOU don't want to be with him anymore and YOU will be OK with that too. Only time will tell so look at the big picture. You will be OK either way, give it time...

[flowmom]

DU, you don't have to communicate with people who you don't feel like communicating with. But don't cut yourself off from those who can truly offer you support. Figure out who can really help right now, lean on them, and ask for space from everyone else.

Please don't use your faith to beat yourself up with DU. You are dealing with a very painful reality right now. Take each day at a time and don't try to make sense of it. I think that we will be able to make sense of it one day, but that may be years away.