help some advice plse..have i finished it for good

[MrBond]

Well it's fairly obvious why he went to the OW. She fed his self-esteem when he felt you weren't. Was there ever a time that he tried to assert himself but you shot him down?

What were your problems beforehand?

Triggers for an MLC are major life changes like a loss of job, death of a loved one, empty nest, birth of a child, thoughts of death, etc. It's the idea of that stress that makes them think that they have to live life to the fullest before they die. That's what makes a sitch an MLC.

If he didn't experience any of those, it sounds like he just had a bout of depression after dealing with your issues and maybe kept alot of his problems to himself because he felt you couldn't handle it. Or that he didn't want to trouble you with them.

"She is an expert at manipulation and seeing when men are vulnerable.She is responsible for several break ups in the gym. "

It takes two to tango. If your H didn't have problems in the background they wouldn't have hooked up in the first place.

Concentrate on what he had problems with. Show him it's "safe" to come home. Maybe he just doesn't know how. My C once told me that's what happened with her WAH. He later told her that he wanted to come home, but because of the shame and depression, he just didn't know how.

Give him little pieces to show it's safe to come home and that you won't be judgemental (hard as hell, I know). Think of him like a stray dog who wandered into your yard. When you first approach it, it gets scared and runs away. So you leave a bowl of water and watch it come closer. Then you leave some food and it comes even closer. Pretty soon you can reach out and touch it. That's how these people in depression are like.

Make the environment safe for him to return. This would also involve your Ds. He might think that they wouldn't want him because of all the damage he caused.