Husband in Crisis - what do I do?

[DestinyUnknown]

I know it has been a while since my last post. It has been a very depressing and hard few days. I am having issues with faith, hope, disappointment in myself and others disappointment with me. I am "doom and gloom" as they say. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. There does not seem to be any "definite hope" to my situation.

During a sermon Sunday, while I was already struggling with faith, the minister said, "nothing happens without God's permission....he is driving everything in your life today."

I began to again to question and believe that God does not hear my prayer, because he is driving the actions that allowed my H to walk away, that allowed the issues of my past to persist. How can he allow this to happen? I am so concerned that God is disappointed in me and my decisions (even recent actions/decisions) and that his WILL does not include reconciliation with my H. How can I have any hope that my M could be saved from D if God is driving and caused the events to take place?

I know that there may be comments back on this, but I had to document how I am feeling and the struggles I am having with faith.

EVENTS of Yesterday:

1) I had a difficult morning leaving my home at 4:00 to go for a drive, not really sure of where to go. I ended up in a parking lot of a shopping center crying in my car. I called one of the 3 DB friends I have spoken to by phone. They helped me to continue to live (even with the issues they are having in their sitch).

2) I drove back home, showered, had another cry, and got dressed for work. During this time, I was on the phone with my DB friend and my H called (I did not answer). A concerned neighbor/friend stops by because he received a call from my sister who was worried about "what I had done" and because she was not able to reach me.

3) I hang up from my DB friend to speak with my neighbor. I had a breakdown (really disapointed myself). He said my sister told him that I received papers and that she hadn't been able to reach me since early Saturday (and Sunday was my B-day). I just told hom that my H and I were having problems and that I really appreciated the concern and asked that he not discussed with anyone. He is a very good neighbor (whose W recently passed - so he says he knows how it feels).

4) During the brief convo with my neighbor, the H enters the house. I had no idea that he would stop by. My neighbor left for us to talk. The H said he was concerned because he called me on Sunday and I did not answer. He then hugs me tight. Then looks at me and tells me that he cares for me and my well-being. It is the thing that "keeps me (the H) up all night" is what he says. We have a brief conversation (while at times he seemed agitated, he was decent). He then gathers mail, his passport, other documents and says: "since you gave me the stuff, then I will call my L and have her cancel the court summons". I then ask about the other court summons (which was for separate maintenance), he said "that was when I wanted you out of the house, and of course I do not want you out of the house". I said, the document seemed more like a SA, but it did not call out specifics other than the house and that he moved out in Dec 09. It didn't include information on how bills were to be covered and by whom, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, pension, retirement or anything.

5) I ask him if there was any more info on his deployment he could share. He said no that there was no new info and that he wanted to spend time (a few days) with me before he deployed, but that I should have no hope because he was not going to spend that night and that he has no intention of moving back home because it was no longer his home.

6) He took a few shirts (3) from our closet and hugged me again. Not sure if the hug was for guilt. He heads to his car and before leaving, he held my hand tight for what seemed like an eternity.

I going dark from everyone.