let him help. maybe you two can discuss how you'd ideally wish he couldhelp... and just be open to the fact that he may disagree or have different suggestion... he should take responsibility in both you and the baby's life. i agree with you in trying to figure out how to deal with everything with out the L's. H and i agreed to do the same. Why make this harder than it should be. reply to his email and basically just say that you would appreciate his help!
I am happy to OK his offer of helping.
But HOW on earth can he help me?
I don't even know where to begin...
The only thoughts I have are:
-we can book into some classes together so he gets up to scratch on birthing or breastfeeding or caring for a baby (but that's really giving up my DIMness & expose me to more pain and distress)
- all the baby stuff is bought.. so..nothing there...
- he can't help with money until he finds a job (he is trying hard)
so what does that leave? Maybe I have a mental block but how can an WAH help his pregant wife when he hasn't even asked to be at the birth, and has given no indication of what level of involvement he wants in the baby's life. He is really remidial on this. All he says is "I love this baby/I want to be a father", but can't get beyond that.
UGH I cannot believe a "MAN" said something to that effect.
Believe it or not, w/ that current attitude YOU HAVE DODGED A BULLET!! I will compensate for the "fog", but I am effing disgusted!!
Kinda like W supporting her A w/ "my needs have gone unmet for so long" - RIGHT- still M, outta the house for 1 week before you're w/ OM2- one week after OM1 A is busted...BARF.
he should go back to counseling... i think anyways.
Wow! It never occurred to me that the session would "highlight our differences"... i knew it would be incrdibly hard, which is partially why I am avoiding it. H is more interested in going to co-parenting Counseling than I am. it scares me bc he probably wants me to understand that he will be a father in his own way than what i expect... so would you say it was useless?
I understand how your H believes that being a father is much different than what you expect from him. H and I, probably like you and your H, dreamt of having a baby for so long, and created so many ideas and dreams of how we would raise our babies... and now he is doing the complete opposite. now he swears he will be father of the year, just because it is different that how we always planned, it can still work. he has "friends" and knows people who made it work.
some men have no concept that becoming a parent begins upon conception, not only at the birth. even at birth I wonder how many of them actually are aware of how miraculous a baby is...
Piano... ask him how he would like to help out... leave it for him to answer maybe? after re-reading your sitch, it does seem like a MLC to me. i never realized how MLC can impact ones life.
Continue to be strong... you have helped me through so very much! You have a beaufiful baby on the way... someone new to love!
It never occurred to me that the session would "highlight our differences"... i knew it would be incrdibly hard, which is partially why I am avoiding it. H is more interested in going to co-parenting Counseling than I am. it scares me bc he probably wants me to understand that he will be a father in his own way than what i expect... so would you say it was useless?
Well that was my experience and could be pinned on the (lack) of experience of the therapist. I was scared of the same thing, and it's exactly what happened. I was so shocked by H's stance on Fatherhood..so so so shocked at how selfish and remedial it seemed to my ears. But you know, your H sounds like he has more CLUES and shares the same values as YOU. So NO, i wouldn't say it's going to be useless.. only doing it will tell...and if you have checked out the therapist beforehand good. if not, do that. I will never put my marriage in the hands of another 3rd party again without be very very sure about them.
I also think my H needs more counselling about parenting on his own to achieve some REALISM before I enter the frey again.
Originally Posted By: Babydoll
I understand how your H believes that being a father is much different than what you expect from him. H and I, probably like you and your H, dreamt of having a baby for so long, and created so many ideas and dreams of how we would raise our babies... and now he is doing the complete opposite.
Our experiences are different here. H and I never discussed how we would bring up kids. I think wasn't very interested in kids for most of my life, and we never really discussed properly what we imagined/wanted etc. I guess we should have. I just thought we'd figure it out along the way, through discussion, etc..like one of life's adventures.
But, like your H, mine uses examples from all around us (mostly my own family sitch - was child of "sucessful" divorce and we're all very close now) in which the non-nuclear family model works just fine. He doesn't realise the WORK and extra SACRIFICE to get to that happy place.
mybe its better the two of you never discussed how you would have a family... at least now you are not thinking of every step and how you planned it to be. Most of our close friends and my sister had babies within the last year or two... and i always thought it was so special that my hubby was getting baby fever... we talked about names, how we wanted to raise them, registering for baby gifts, the baby's baptism, every day and every night parenting activities... and now... none of it will exist... he probably would continue to act as if things were normal, but i cant allow him to play house without being my H. maybe you were better off...
My H's parents are married for more than 40 years, and look at him now? no respect for marriage and women for that matter...
No our H's do not realize how much more work is involved in making a family work, if we are not together. that scares me too... if they run away now, how will they react when they have to work ten times harder to be a father.
as for the therapist, i did talk to the one over the telephone and she seemed to agree with me, but truth be told, patients only can make the session what it is. as he says, and i said once to him (he remembers everything i said and throws it in my face), a therapist can not make him love me. This counselor flat out said to me,does he realize that we are pro-marriage?
he is so selfish and helpless and childlike right now he cannot see past himself and see that any marriage takes work. He truly has convinced himself that our marriage was bad. meanwhile i always believed he loved me an ounce more than i couldve ever loved him.
sorry to take over your sitch
do send him that email and see what his idea of helping you out entails... maybe this is a baby step of his reaching out. if nothing else, he can help you with baby.
isnt it hard b/c its not just about us... its about the baby...
Stay strong... dont you wish that they would be forced to read DB and DR and see that marriages can be healed and move forward stronger than ever! and instead of them being so scared the woul come to terms with their fears and anxieties!
wish i had magic powers to shake them and go in their heads hearts and tell them to WAKE UP!!!!
i always thought it was so special that my hubby was getting baby fever... we talked about names, how we wanted to raise them, registering for baby gifts, the baby's baptism, every day and every night parenting activities... and now... none of it will exist...
It really hurts, the death of that future and those dreams.. hopefully with time, new dreams emerge for all of us.
Originally Posted By: Babydoll
No our H's do not realize how much more work is involved in making a family work, if we are not together. that scares me too... if they run away now, how will they react when they have to work ten times harder to be a father.
Quite.
Originally Posted By: Babydoll
do send him that email and see what his idea of helping you out entails... maybe this is a baby step of his reaching out. if nothing else, he can help you with baby.
I am tempted to accept the offer of help...but I am wary. In reality I don't need him. I want my H, not a "gofer". And I'm not inclined to do something because it might help HIM. I need to help ME.I think this is where I need to take a hard stance, otherwise I could let myself in for drama and backsliding.
I wish my H was reading DB too. At last check he was reading Jung! and some other philosophical tracts.
It worried me that the friend who he has been staying with since the bomb is now taking a "these things just happen" stance - he tried to get my WH to reconcile with me, but has now given up, I reckon. Fair enough. What do you know about the people surrounding your husband right now?
[quote=Piano It worried me that the friend who he has been staying with since the bomb is now taking a "these things just happen" stance - he tried to get my WH to reconcile with me, but has now given up, I reckon. Fair enough. What do you know about the people surrounding your husband right now?[/quote]
You need to detach from him and the sitch. You cannot control this and you will drive yourself crazy. You need to get ready for the little one.
FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on YOU YOU YOU.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
unfortunately I think a lot of people feel like "these things happen". It is really sad. Even my family now tells me to give up and move on. They want to see me happy and i understand that but how does one just move on exactly? especially when we are left to live the life and family they left behind for us. TG... good advice you gave to Piano... FOCUS ON YOU. now only to get the stregnth to do that...
