The latest with me

[alice444]

Ok, phew! This may be the last time I leave the forums for 2 1/2 days! It takes so long to catch up with my friends ;-) I have read all your stuff, but feel it's most useful to respond to the latest b/c I think you got some good (but maybe hard to hear) advice from folks already on the older stuff. Btw, where are those last 2 things? I think you have to start majorly undoing and combatting the negative stuff in your head (remember, we're very similar, so I know of what I speak) to catch up and balance it out with good stuff you haven't been telling yourself. To me you sound like a great guy, but it doesn't sound like you remember that all the time- or you see everything through the prism of starting every potentially positive thought with "she doesn't seem to care about me anymore, so...." and it probably negates whatever comes after that. Am I close? I don't know how tuned in to your thinking you are- maybe start to try to pay attention to that little gremlin in your head.

Questions on my mind today:

1. Her b.day is coming up in 2 weeks, should I just say H.Bday through email/text and nothing else? or get her a little something? Invite her to dinner etc.

Oh boy, I had to start with a hard one. I don't know what to tell you to do. On the one hand, I think inviting her to dinner is too much- I don't know why I think that, but I do. It is possible you could be a little sneaky and show her you remembered by helping DD do something for her mommy- make a card, etc. She will know you helped but it doesn't put you out there too far. I wouldn't get her a gift if it were me. My gut says to be very casual and offhand about it- she knows you know it is her birthday, so it doesn't hurt to mention it, like at the end of the day "hope you had a good day" and leave it at that.

2. Should I offer her a chance to come and talk to me about the issues so I can validate her? I didn't do this last time we talked. Like a dumb person I tried to make her see it my way and ended up doing all the talking...

Ok, I'd have to check back and see what issues she needs validating on and how long ago it was that you talked, who initiated it and how, etc. I think in general if you can honestly validate her on some things b/c you've done thinking on them yourself, that *at some point* it might, if nothing else, help you guys have a better relationship and give you a little peace, no matter what the R looks like. But you don't need to do it now. SR, you know I'm new to this, but again my gut says you've got a whirlwind going in your head and heart right now and maybe need to take some time to let it settle down before tackling something like this. Also, you mentioned your anger recently at her- that's probably not the best mindset to go in with if you feel that way. One of my favorite mantras from my therapist is: "You can... and you don't have to." Apply however it works to you :-)

3. Changing gears completely, should I file for D and be the 'aggresor' (going with gucci's philosophy). It could back fire in how she percieves it and then makes me pay for it literally in terms of alimony, child support etc

Keep in mind I've gone dark grey on her and haven't really seen or spoken to her other than the 3 or 4 times when exchanging DD and even then I just focus on DD not her. I don't know if it's made any difference. She's always 'nice' to me, keeps a straight face and hard to tell what she's thinking or doing in the background. She's sneaky like that...

Ugh, I'm out of my league on this. My H just amped up the process and is seeing L on Wednesday and I'm trying to act nonchalant, while being terrified. I do not know about being the aggressor. It's both hard and easy from an outsider's perspective to drop advice on you. Part of me who sees all you have to offer wants to tell you- yes file and be done with her (not very DB-like of me, is it?). She hasn't treated you well and you need to go heal yourself, nurture your DD and let W lead her life she's chosen- you're better off without her. The part of me that aches for my H, despite all the things I still haven't gotten from him, etc. etc. isn't so cynical and understands why you keep fighting. Again, I'm sorry, I need to check back and remind myself who initiated what. From your signature, it seems you are the one who chose to move out and once even filed for D? What does she say she wants now? What is her stated agenda to you? To remain separated for a long time? Does she intend to file?

The thing that pisses me off is that you and I are sitting around in this muck of "what should I do? what will that mean to them? what will they then do and what will that mean for my relationship????" My best friend said to me last night "You act like you're playing a chess game, Jaime- you are thinking so many moves ahead it's dizzying". And yet, I can't seem to help it and neither can you. But it makes me mad b/c it leaves us powerless.

Although I feel depressed, scared and somewhat powerless, I have to say it gave me a small amount of satisfaction to have my H wondering if I'm seeing someone (yeah right, then why am I the only one still wearing my ring?) and thinking I'm moving on. It made me feel just a little bit better- and the nice thing is that I wasn't trying to construct this fantasy or lie to trick him- all I was doing was trying to make MYSELF feel better and less powerless. Spending a tad bit less time obsessing about what he was thinking and planning and a little more on doing what made me happy and feel good. When you're so focused on the other, you can't possibly concentrate on putting yourself first and revolving everything you do around THAT instead of around THEM. Trust me, I question everything I'm doing, still, but that slight decrease in powerlessness can only be good for me, I think.

{{{{{{hugs to you}}}}}} and I hope you feel better soon.