H came by and stayed for several hours, and we talked and watched TV. He was very affectionate (not in a lecherous way; no kissing, heavy petting, or more), and he made great efforts to maintain comforting physical contact.
Summary of events: *I am the source of all misery, grief, and agony [paraphrased from H's words] *He "apparently" contributed in some small ways to problems (e.g., not sharing his frustrations, keeping feelings bottled); my sins are much worse *It makes his stomach hurt to think about coming back home *He has been happier staying at his mother's house (Duh! If I could stay in my childhood bedroom and have my mom take care of me, then I'd be much happier, too!) *A divorce is the best solution, in his eyes *Things will never change, and he just wants to be happy *It makes him sad that it took his moving out to get my attention about the things that have bothered him *He loves me very much (so weird) *He'll invite me to dinner one night this week *Do I just want him to move back here and be unhappy? Is that what I want?
I asked H if he would continue to think about things, and he said that he would. He said he has no plans to file D papers in the near future but that that is his eventual plan. He also said he would read a book about separation if I were to give him one.
Despite his negative outlook, I can't help but still feel like there's some hope here.
Payday is in a few days. Time to call a DB coach!
Oh, I almost forgot--H also said that he thinks he may quit his job and get another job. He's going to decide this week. He asked me what I thought, and I told him that he should work where he is happiest. What I did think but didn't say was this: SERIOUSLY?? You're changing jobs AGAIN?? How can you not see that this is NOT all about me? How can you not recognize your personal unhappiness? But I kept my mouth shut.
He DID like the living room, by the way. It is awesome, if I do say so myself.
It sounds like he is sending very mixed signals your way. He's saying one thing and doing another. There's reason for optimism in your sitch, though it may take the patience of a saint on your part . I've noticed that ambivalence is the hallmark of WAS who end up piecing.
Any progress on dealing with the sexual harassment sitch? I hope you follow up on that...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
flowmom, you must have been rolling your eyes just when I took a break from rolling mine. I've been doing a lot of that lately.
Yes, I'm getting many mixed signals. His words make it seem like he's so certain he wants to D, but his actions don't match. This may seem trivial, but in 3 months, he has never had his mail forwarded. He does a weekly mail-gathering that involves a visit with me. It may mean nothing, but he could have done this long ago to save himself a weekly interaction with me.
I have patience and then some. It pleases me that he's open to reading a book. I'll just have to really ponder which one. Not DB or DR, of course. Also, he's the artsy type with reservations about organized religion, so the book can't be too faith-based. Time to do some research, I guess.
As for the sexual harassment thing, I met with my boss again today to go over the procedure. I have a meeting with one of the Big Bosses tomorrow. This Big Boss has the authority to modify my crisis training assignments so that I don't have to work with this man again. She's also a longtime friend and colleague of my late mother's, so I know she'll be professional but also act in my best interest. Thanks for checking in on that.
8, just stopped in to say hello. Hope you are well.
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
Glad to hear that things are moving forward with the harassment issue. I hope that it doesn't end up YOU doing all the shifting to avoid him. He is a liability to that organization and they should be limiting HIM. I hope that you were very clear that he went to your house, etc. Don't sugarcoat it.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Number 8: *I am the source of all misery, grief, and agony [paraphrased from H's words] *He "apparently" contributed in some small ways to problems (e.g., not sharing his frustrations, keeping feelings bottled); my sins are much worse
Yes. This is a familiar tale. You may hear it five more times. Take real responsibility for your part so he can see what it looks like when someone does. That said, don't let him use you doing that to beat you over the head and shoulders with it either.
His stomach hurts when he thinks about coming home because he has regressed to a childlike state and he wants to stay in his womb. Don't let him blame you for his escapism. Seems like MC could also help. And he won't do that either.
I think you should use this DBing time to think about what it would take for you to be happy with this guy. Obviously he is unhappy with himself careerwise and it's good he's addressing that. But you seem to have concerns that he will always keep leaving jobs as a way to address that and that maybe that is not the real issue either? Do you think he will ever be open to IC to deal with his own stuff. I don't recall if he ever went or not.
Sounds like you've been doing a good job for yourself. Keep making your positive changes so you will feel confident and address the stuff he said that's real for yourself and either this or your next R. Good luck!
NOt to borrow trouble from the future, but I can really imagine a scenario in which H does NOT move forward towards adulthood again but instead hides out at home getting mothered there and then coming over to your house to get mothered by you. What can you do not to be a part of that but still stay open to rebuilding R?
And great job on staying out of ALL H's decisions about his work. He will BLAME you if you ever voice an opinion about this type of stuff and or possibly say you judge or are critical of him, his earning capacity, whatever. Do not fall into the trap of having his own career unhappiness projected onto you! Especially since he has already repeatedly voiced his resentment about your earnings.
rr22, I'm sure I will hear it again several more times. It's his refrain right now. For three months, I've listened to all the terrible things I did and how I'm to blame for the trouble. He has not yet truly recognized his part in any of the difficulties, but it's not my job to point it out. I have stayed silent about anything he's "done" in the course of our marriage. I have not been defensive, yet I've tried to explain (not justify) anything I felt was questionable or even partially untrue.
I have and will continue to take real responsibility for my part. I hope that he'll be able to move past the "too little, too late" mentality at some point.
I can't remember if I wrote this in another post, so forgive me if I repeat myself. H was talking about his personal credit card debt and how it stressed him. He said, "I guess it's time for me to be an adult and start paying off my credit cards." Then I said, by the same token, could he see that it was time to be an adult and start working on our marriage? He responded, "The most adult thing I've ever done is leave here." I did not voice my dissenting opinion. The truly adult thing to do, in my view, would not be to go stay with your mother and try to forget about your wife.
He dismissed the idea of MC when I brought it up back in January because "it wouldn't do any good to tell another person the same things he's already told me." He's never been in IC before. He has only seen a psychiatrist (many moons ago) for medication. A psychiatrist like that doesn't do any counseling--only med management.
Good suggestions on how to use my time to think about what it would take for me to be happy with H. It's doubly hard to deal with him because he doesn't see this unhappiness in himself. He doesn't relate his career/job dissatisfaction to his own dissatisfaction. I worry about his frequent changing of jobs. I am settled into a career, and I'm going to be a lifer at what I do. I'm worried that, at some point, he's going to apply for a highly desirable job and that it will look suspicious or questionable that he's had so many different jobs in so short a time. I'm also looking for him to have some career stability. The new job he's considering isn't anything in his field or remotely close to his field. It's not a career move, by any means.
I will continue to work on myself as you suggested. I have a ten-day vacation that starts this Thursday at noon. I can hardly wait. I have many tentative plans. I'm thinking of painting my living room and bedroom. I'd like to think of something to do with my kitchen (hoping for inspiration). I'll spend the rest of the time doing ME things: a pedicure, a hair appointment, and possibly some spa time (massage or facial). I also plan to do some intense reading for pleasure and for self-improvement. I may even do a little clothes shopping. The possibilities are endless!
He responded, "The most adult thing I've ever done is leave here."
Sounds like something rude to say. Or at least clueless in its hurtfulness.
The vacation sounds great. Sounds good. Keep busy so he doesn't drag you into his crap.
Maybe if he wants to schedule something with you, keep it light and quick so he can't drag you into a blame fest before he's ready or able to look at his part. Otherwise you're going to spend a lot of time getting the kitchen sink thrown at you.
. I've noticed that ambivalence is the hallmark of WAS who end up piecing.