RW, it's totally understandable that you'd be feeling vulnerable right now. It's important to give yourself the space to be human. You've worked so hard to get to piecing, but eventually your H will have to do the heavy lifting of dealing with the emotional fallout of his bad choices. It sounds like you did your best to leave things on a good note...good for you. Don't be too hard on yourself.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
it's only normal rocked that feelings are gonna rear their ugly heads from time to time, it's a compromise of H accepting the triggers and you learning to deal with them.
Huge hugs I was there wednesday so feel for your but if it helps I'm getting back on track again and so will you x
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Starting to do better already. Did decide to wait for H to initiate a call. He did after a few hours. Things felt back to "normal". I need to continue to remind myself of the pattern in H's behavior. When he gets annoyed about something he just needs a bit of space and time and then he comes around.
Interesting thing, though... while traveling he has lots of time to think. Said he was thinking a lot about his R with his mother. We've talked about her quite a bit and I know H is addressing this, at least to some extent, in IC. H's perspective is that his mother is a very selfish woman with huge anger issues. He and his siblings were never a priority to her. He gets extremely frustrated that we now see that pattern with our kids... her grandchildren are not a priority either.
I listened and validated and supported some thoughts he is having about setting further boundaries with his mom and step dad in terms of contact with us and the kids. We have already minimized contact because of this and other issues, but a recent disappoitment when they didn't come to an important even of our son's seems to have made my H's mind up. He feels he wants very little to do with them at this point.
I think it was important that I was there for him as he is processing this. I think this crisis in our lives is bringing a lot of things forward for him that have not been dealt with.
Anyway, feeling better... more connected with H again, even though he is still in a negative frame of mind. I know it isn't about me, and I don't have to be affected by it.
My GALing for today is a relaxed day at home with the kids, not doing much at all... which feels just about right. Will probably take a nice long bath, enjoy a glass of wine and watch a movie later.
He's probably dealing with his mother issues because often in IC certain types of therapists tell clients that they are recreating their relationships with their mothers with their wives. Whether the clients are or not. These types of therapists tell each client the same thing. It is a certain TYPE of therapy. IT's like, "You unknowingly married someone just like your mother to work through your unresolved childhood issues." Blah, blah, blah...
I appreciate that thought RR... my H has said, though, that in IC he has identified that OW is much more like his mother than me. I'm a polar opposite to his mom, and he now feels he may have been attracted to OW (at least partly) because of her similar issues with mom and a subconcious desire to "fix" that....
But, I have to say, that while H was in the A, I often got accused by H of being "just like his mom". He has since apologized for that. In over 20 years together prior to the A he had never accused me of that before. I think he was "projecting" the issues he was having with OW already on to me at that time.
That is a twisted tale. I don't believe in the "married your mom" or "had an affair with your Mom" school of psychology. I think we all have triggers and anyone, male or female, can trigger the unresolved stuff. A male boss at work could trigger it for your H for example. I do believe it may be easier for an angry woman to trigger it. But I don't believe people subconsicously seek it out to "repair" it. Stuff just happens and then people freak out because their unresolved issues are triggered. My H has projected a ton on me too from both his mother, father, and other issues. So I feel your pain on that one. I've had real problems sorting out reality from projection in this. I asked friends and family of mine to help so I could get a clear picture of what I needed to work on and what was projected. Turns out there was some of both. The weirdest stuff was projected however. ANd my actual problems that I need to work in were twisted in H's mind to resemble his triggers. All kind of weird. Of course he could think something totally different by now. We don't discuss it much anymore and some of the original bomb accusations may not be the same.
I also don't like how IC seems to help "explain" freedom of choice away to make clients feel better about bad choices. Your H chose infidelity. He could have chosen counseling or any other option. His mother did not make him have an affair. Nor did you. Nor did his "loneliness" or "unresolved issues."His predisposition to something does not create destiny. It is not his mother issues, it's his lack of conscience and self control. Those are his to own and fix. If I were you, I'd want to hear that come out of his mouth instead of blaming and explaining away, even if the IC led him to the "issues" explanation to help with his guilt. You're doing a good job of validating. I would want to be careful not to help EXCUSE. If he winds up blaming his mother for his bad actions, he'll just blame you in the future and possibly use all of the above as justification for future OW.
Sorry if that sounded harsh. Also I have not read your entire thread. Just bits of it. I might just be getting filled with a bunch of everyone's crappy IC stories lately and I'm losing faith in the profession.
No worries RR. I am often wondering about that fine line between validation and excuses. I know that in my H's pain and remorse and guilt it is very tempting for him to grab onto some kind of hook like that to relieve some of those feelings.
I know he has discussed some of the "mother" issues with his IC, but he has told me that she is also very direct about personal responsibility re: infidelity. He seems to actually respect this and her "straight talk" is one of the reasons he seems to feel comfortable with her. So, I am not too worried about this coming too much from his IC.
I am doing surprisingly well with H being gone on business trip. He has called a few times, including today at lunch. Business meetings are going well, which is always good for his PMA. I think the break from each other and intensity of piecing for a few days is good for both of us.
As for worrying about OW... I'm not. My gut tells me my H is being truthful that she is "fading from view". And, the bottom line is that if he were meeting with her, I have no doubt I would find out and we would be done. I've faced that already, did just fine surviving the nightmare... and learned that I can deal with the idea of D if I have to. And I would. He knows I will never do this again. He knows I mean it.
So, I am not going to worry about it. I am enjoying me time and time with the kids.
