Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[Babydoll]

Gatsby, thanks for your advice... baby is kicking a whole lot! i love every minute he does! Soudns like you are so strong and that is something to be proud of. i read your "thoughts of being together" and I wish they would be true...

piano, thanks for the "Do not take words seriously"... i hate him at times and yet still hope...

we had a few good days of civil conversation... i know... i went dark for a good while and then... we started talking, except this time it wasnt just me... he initiated a lot too. i was very cautious but somewhat hopeful. i need to stay away again... the "friend" thing doesnt work... i was trying to be civil and thinks its b/c ive accepted what happened between us and have moved on. He said he filed for D b/c he thought i wanted it too... that if we got D then we could move on and focus on the baby. We decided to be mutual and then he really made me angry by saying something and i went off on him.... ruined all the good work i did all along. We said hurtful things again... and back to square one... sarcastically, he said the way i was acting was really going to make him want to come back and try! #1 I know its not going to make him come back #2 If he didnt love me when i gave him my entire self and when we found out we were PG and I was the happiest and most supportive of his schooling, then he would never love me #3 i dont buy for one second that he ever even thought of getting back with me... this was just one mean thing to say to try and pin everything on me once again.

i cant stand that he is trying to turn everything around on me and make it as if i was the wrong one...

i said i take full responsibility in my part of what happened between our marriage that I may have said or done to cause you to feel this way, but I was at least willing to work on anything and everything... you left.


i truly believe he is confused and angry at me and is completely scared!

Not a good weekend.

[Babydoll]

oh yeah... he said he was miserable when he was with me and now he is not miserable anymore...

how do I not believe that? who says that? how can I DB my brain out to get someone back who was miserable with me?

i feel like a schizo... but i should just all together give up...

but yet two days ago when i told him I was not signing the D papers b/c i needed to focus on myself he understood and agreed we both need to focus on ourselves and the baby first...

[Piano]

i know... i went dark for a good while and then... we started talking, except this time it wasnt just me... he initiated a lot too. i was very cautious but somewhat hopeful. i need to stay away again... the "friend" thing doesnt work...

Yes. I think you are at what my DB Coach calls, Stage 1. It is the stage where you need to let the DUST settle. You have to avoid ALL negative communication. You are allowed to let him know that you "get it" that he wants out. You have to llook like you want this time apart for YOU. Because YOU are having a baby and YOU need to be in a calm space.
You can still say, "I don't want the divorce: it's too difficult on me right now given my advancing pregancy. What's the rush?"

When you have achieved this stage, that's when you contemplate Stage 2: which is FRIENDSHIP. This is when you have NO marital expectations of him. You need TIME to get to this place, as you've just discovered.

STage 1 and 2 are all about TIMING. If you do one thing to early, it can set you back. But don't beat yourself up - just use this as a lesson not to rush things. I am really owrried that you are too responsive to him. Start ignoring him a bit, and use email if you are going to lose it when you talk or see him.

As for the things come out of his mouth, ignore them. It's all rubbish. Don't believe anything he says right now. He's trying to justify what he's done, and to do that he has to re-write your marital history and make up mean stuff.

Also, you are still blaming him. You are fully justified, but keep it to yourself. You are only pushing him away. Stop using words with him. Try something different. Do a 180. Let your actions speak, draw boundaires, and keep them.

[Piano]

oh yeah... he said he was miserable when he was with me and now he is not miserable anymore... how do I not believe that? who says that? how can I DB my brain out to get someone back who was miserable with me?i feel like a schizo... but i should just all together give up...

well of course he's not miserable - he's pushed his problem aside, living with mum and dad, living the single life --- yeah it's easy for him thesedays!! Who says that? Someone really behaving like a child. DON'T take it on.
Don't give up - just stop these talk sessions where you allow him to spew up all this rubbish. Your ears don't need it & you certainly shouldn't process it. If you keep exposing yourself to this, you will end up doubting whether or not to continue fighting for your M. Remember it's all in the timing.

but yet two days ago when i told him I was not signing the D papers b/c i needed to focus on myself he understood and agreed we both need to focus on ourselves and the baby first...

An example of what worked!

I know you can do this Babydoll. You showed great strength before the divorce papers showed up. That was a bump in the road, but it wasn't fatal. You need to draw back from him now...

<<hugs>>

[Piano]

Sorry to take over your thread, but my H sent me an email today, saying he wants to be able to support me for the remaining weeks of my pregancy but is scared of more 'upset'...God knows how I am meant to reply, because like you, I cannot be "friends" with him. Gee this is hard when there are babies involved and you have to maintain contact or at least, have contact around baby's due date! Would be interested in your thoughts on my sitch, babydoll...Maybe we can help eachother... My thread is over in the Infidelity pages.

[Babydoll]

Hi Piano,
thank you for your words of encouragement... i needed that.

Did you speak with a DB coach? What did they suggest as far as, should he be there in the delivery room, birthing classes, etc.?
do you think the coach helped?

I am trying to stay as dark as possible, like you said, i need to let the dust settle and stay away from the negativity. I've noticed that its not just me, but he ruffles my feathers and knows one small comment will make me upset and crying or saying mean things. the hardest part for me is that i feel like i have a ticking clock, and i wish we could make sense of this madness before the baby comes... i realize now that may not be the case. I am not sure what to do about birthing classes, i really would love for him to be there, and he really wants to be there, but im afraid the day of the birth, i will wish he was affectionate towards me. truth is he probably would be, same as he was day of the ultrasound when he said ILY and held my hand, etc. and acted like we were happily together. And then that night my heart was bleeding. Will i feel the same way when he baby is born?

He is so immature and scared and it irritates me. I really have to stay low and make him realize this is what life is like... im just scared he will like this life better than one he couldve had with me.

i read your sitch... feels like we are dealing with the same turmoils and emotions. All I know is that we deserved a better happier and mroe blissful pregnancy than what these H's have done to us. makes me so angry.

im so tired of praying for miracles... wish i had just one sign that i am not being foolish by convincing myself that this D is really happening and what he truly wants... wish i would notice one thing that would make me see that he could for maybe .0000001% believe we could fight through this.

[Piano]

The DB coach (btw, a mother and a grandmother) felt having him at the birth would be inappropriate. She said the birth day is about ME, not WAH. I should only make choices on MY needs on that day. She said tell him to come along on Day 2 to meet the baby... tell him "I will be very busy that day, why don't you come the following day when we are rested". She's very wry and funny! But I hope you get the gist of what she is saying...
anyway, every sitch is different, right?

Don't pray for miracles... work on yourself, take the distance, GAL. When you reach a calm space, come up with a plan and stick to it. As they say around here, DO WHAT WORKS, NOT WHAT FEELS RIGHT. Emotions are a bad compass.

You're doing great.. come here and rant and rave..don't go to him.


My classes were pretty much all finished by the time I got coaching.. I think she would have said TIMING is all important.. that means STAGE 1: LET THE DUST SETTLE. In practical terms, if you can't handle any situation you go into with grace and integrity and strenght, don't do it. I invited H for one class, and it may have been good for WH but was not great for me. I didn't behave like the "shining beacon that will draw him back to me".

If you can afford it, the DB coaching does help, because it's tailor made to your sitch. It's the best counseling I have had.

"the hardest part for me is that i feel like i have a ticking clock, and i wish we could make sense of this madness before the baby comes... i realize now that may not be the case." yes, i felt/feel the same, but I realised that it is all about the TIMING and it can't be rushed, so you're right not to expect him to switch BEFORE the baby comes... Anyways, men don't often connect with pregnancies...that old saying "Women become mothers when they get pregnant, men become fathers after the birth".

[Babydoll]

Thanks piano...
seems like all i've been doing lately is focusing on the past 3 months and the hurt and pain that i feel. i do have to stop praying for miracles... i should b focusing on myself. problem is that i dont have the stregnth or the will power to forget him
or stop texting mean things!

i want so badly to forget about him and focus on me and the baby!!!!!!! wish me luck!

and Piano... thank you... you hae such great advice... you are so strong! keep it up!

[Piano]

We can take it in turns to boost each other's morale and keep on track :-) I'm only repeating the advice I've read here on this site...but am glad it's helping.
I do think DBing is also essentially a good way of helping you pick yourself up the floor after the shock that is a WAS situation.

I have only given up pursuing my WAH (reasoning,begging, pleading, screaming, sarcasm...it's a long list!!) not from strengh but because it was destroying me. It was hurting ME so much...our last blow up was horrific & I really saw myself as a lunatic. That explains my fear about my next 'meeting' with WAH...

About forgetting... I don't know how you do that.. You know, BD, my H is forever in my thoughts. I would say every minute of the day. Every thought, everything I say, every move I make, even the the littlest things --- he is 'by my side'... It makes me teary thinking about it. He was my companion through life, and it's hard to break this habit.

You know, from the start, for me it's like my real husband, not the alien here now, never got off the plane...like the plane crashed or he didn't make it or he's still overseas and I'm stll waiting for him to come back...that way I protect my love for him. Delusional?

Well, we haven't lived together now for 6 months (3 months separated by work, then 3 months separated since bomb)... I worry thats a LOT of distance.

Anyways, sorry this has turned into being all about me!! Just sharing..hope it helps... and I have found it easier to stop thinking about what he is doing ever second of the day by "going DIM/DARK". That means you have more strength and energy to think about YOU and BUB. Also, as your pregnancy advances, you will just get more and more tired (if you follow the usual pattern). At 7months, the pregnancy is making itself very known on my physical abilities and general energy levels!!!

[gatsby11]

You guys rock! Nothing like an evening with "Cake Boss" (a mildly entertaining TV show about cake) and reading posts on this website.

You know what's comforting is how similar so many people's stories are. How these WASes say that they haven't been happy for "years," misery is now over, whatever. It's comforting because since they're following a pattern, their behaviors become compartmentalized, sterile, somehow depersonalized. I like going over to the MLC posts because it seems to fit.

"well of course he's not miserable - he's pushed his problem aside, living with mum and dad, living the single life --- yeah it's easy for him thesedays!!" EXACTLY! Just know, his crash is ahead. (I can't figure out how to copy. . . makes me a little nervous!)

I totally know what you mean, Piano, about a death. That's what it's like. Except, as his grandmother told me, it's worse! (She had a husband die when they were in their 30s and she told me that, sorry, my sitch was much worse than hers. Wow!) But that's also comforting. The person that we married is just NOT THERE right now. Being dark is kind of easy for me because I really do not like the "new" person. He's no one I would ever be attracted to. He is weakness in human form, really. I am willing to wait for him to strengthen and be better than the person I married. We'll see if it happens.

Interesting advice, Piano, from the DB coach about the birth. I like it. I also don't think I could have my WH in the room. First of all, I think that more of his neuroses would be triggered and he would just have to have more therapy with the sight of the birth. (I really think that!) But also, I feel a peace with knowing that he won't be there. I think I'll be more calm.

6 months is a lot, Piano, but my expectations for this type of thing are at 12 months. So you're barely halfway! I figure if it's longer than 12 months, by that time I won't care as much.

Babydoll, I'm looking forward to reading further posts of yours. It can only go up from here.

Now that I've spent so much time watching cake, frosting, and chocolate, I'd better go raid the 'fridge. Yum!