...I am still having trouble with the resentment of her refusals and lack of support overall.
....I have a very difficult time just believing in what she says period because of all the lies and excuses.
...I told her I need time to see the permanent change, but this is not good enough for her.
...She wants me to be healed RIGHT NOW!
...I don't want to have sex with her when she acts like this, but resent her if we don't. It's all very confusing.
I too feel for you. I know that the pain of rejection or sex followed by some kind of argument that allowed my wife to distance herself emotionally from me caused me so much pain that even though I was HD and she was LD, I told her I was through having sex with her until she truely wanted to have sex with me in a way that would not be emotionally damaging to me. That was my first 180.
You have gotten a lot of good advice.
My suggestions that echo others are:
(1) Take some time to heal your wounds. In the book No More Mr. Nice Guy it talks about Getting a Life, (as well as other books) and I feel that is critical to self healing. As part of getting a life, figure out some things that will demonstrate change both to you and your wife, so she has to acknowledge that you are changing and not who you use to be. If this includes telling your wife that you need to heal and that you just can't have sex with her for 2 months, or 3 months, go ahead and do it, just have an agreed upon plan with her for how you will reinitiate sex once the time is up. A 180 if done well can be very helpful for changing past interaction patterns. If not done well a temporary period of no sex can turn into a lifetime of no sex, so make sure you know what you want, and set clear boundaries and have clear expectations as to how things will end and some progress measuring points. I did a no more sex until you show me you want me and will treat me well 180, then a under absolutely no circumstances for the next 2 months will I have sex with you. It took 5 or 6 months withou any sex prior to my wife realizing she needed to change the way she treated me or that we were headed for divorce and it was her actions that were going to determine what happened. Ultimately you need to be able to forgive your wife. Ultimately you need to understand that you are part of the problem and your wife needs to forgive you as well. That is why you both have to heal first.
(2) It will take time and even if she wants it better now, it will take many months prior to it getting better. She needs to understand that as do you. So take the time you need to heal yourself.
(3) Figure out some short/intermediate/long term goals for your self associated with where you want to be in a year or so. This should help you visualize what it is that you want either from marriage or from divorce. Figure out what it is that you need to be true to yourself and who you are and what you value. Then take noticable steps to make it happen. I ultimately decided I wanted sex three times a week and hugging and vigorous touching other days during the week. That meant that I needed to either forgive my wife and get her to fall in love with me again or divorce her and find someone else. I decided to move forward with the first and if my wife didn't respond, I would make the second happen before a specific birthday. Take control of your happiness and visualize what you want out of life and actively work toward making it happen.
(4) If you can, stay away from affairs, they just create lots of problems. If you feel you must, then press forward with separation and divorce so you can date others. Don't allow yourself to tempt fates by putting yourself in positions where you might crumble and fall into an affair. In short keep it in your pants!
(5) Personally, I am big on board certified sex therapists for a SSM as opposed to general marriage counelors. I will say that MWD's books make me feel that she knows her stuff, but my experience with really good sex therapists is very positive in how they have helped my marriage. I really think having outside professional help also is necessary. Divorce is expensive and if that is the alternative you are talking several thousands of dollars (just on a home sale, let along attorneys and accountants), so be prepared to spend money on professional help saving your marriage.
(6) Don't look back, don't let her pull you into arguments about the past, focus on the future.
(7) Read, read, read relationship books and follow others until you find out what works for you and your wife.
Good luck to you. You are not alone.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
