My W still thinks her self-esteem is just fine. She is going to IC though, and I pray that with time she'll see that.
I made it a condition of any hope to stay M, but I was in the position to do that. My IC gave me a visual that I gave her a few days ago, and that has helped both her and I understand the esteem problem, and my role in it.
Ideas only... - Maybe accept responsibility, "I know my criticism has been hard and made you feel really depressed. Those meds seem to make everything so black and dreary, too." Then add in, "But I want to be living with you and this problem - working on it together. I'm ready to be there for you as you work on it". Once you are together under one roof, then you could step into the problem one toe at a time.
- Maybe ask some questions like, "Has the new job made you feel more hopeful?" If he is all negative on quite a few small questions, it might be an indication that things are bad. You could then empathise, "It sounds like these last few months have been very hard. Is your IC supporting that and suggesting meds to help cut the pain, or are you using your awesome and creative thinking to get by". Maybe a final touch of, "I want to be there for you. I really can see now more of the challenges & fears you face and I'm ready to go forward supporting you".
- My personal favourite... "I'm so glad for this separation because it has forced me to really look at where I've screwed up during our M. I'm sorry to have put you through that".
In what I've written, you might notice I didn't suggest anything to get him to own up. IF he's clinically depressed or just feeling depressed from failures, then he can own up when he's ready. He has, in general terms, accepted his failures. Maybe overaccepted, too.
