The journey begins

[poet]

Hey Cling,

Count on your attorney, glean as much support from us as you can, and pray. That's about where I am right now. I'm drowning in two interogatorries, equalling 15 pages of bs financial status right now.

Hang in there, as I will do with you.

poet, from "This train: rolling..." thread.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm extremely disappointed in myself today. D7 was pushing all day -- it's hard to explain everything -- and D11 was pouty and whiny and ... I just lost it on a couple of occasions.

Perhaps I was tired or I've been looking forward to this week for several and wanted everything to go perfect and it didn't. And then as the day drew to a close and I was getting ready to take them to W's I felt such remorse. It's just so hard to discipline because I can imagine them sitting there saying "daddy yelled at us."

I know the game. My parents divorced. I also have had them tell me when W loses it with them and I felt --- relieved.

What sucks is we were pretty good teammates as parents. Not great. But pretty good. When she'd get at her wit's end I'd try to help and vice versa.

Now it's all about competition -- who is the cooler parent.

Still, no matter how bad it gets, I should not yell. There has to be a way to handle it without yelling.

I think today I was in too much of a tight timeline -- which is stupid since we are on spring break.

I pick them up tomorrow at 8 a.m. and we're going to swim at the Y. I'll get the packing done tonight. It's just one bag.

Week 3 of Financial Peace University -- budgeting. I'm going to attempt this. I've resisted because I didn't want money to get in the way of GALing.

[ClingingToHope]

Weird thing I forgot to mention. When I dropped the girls off W hands me her schedule for April and May. It shows all the times she has to go in early and stay late and the Saturdays she has to work.

Likely she handed it to me for informational purposes. She hasn't asked me in months to take the girls on any of her early morning/late night/Saturday shifts.

She usually gets her mom to help -- I'm not sure what she does on the early mornings since she's supposed to be at work at 7:30 a.m. and D11 doesn't get on the bus until 7:30 am.

Still, I'm going to file this away and give it to my attorney. My No. 2 argument about wanting joint physical custody (No. 1 being that we've always split responsibilities with the kids 50/50) is that my schedule is way more flexible. I NEVER have to go in early or work Saturdays. I ALMOST NEVER have to work late and if I do, I usually can go home for a couple of hours and come in later or just finish work from home. W routinely has to juggle the kids around to fit her schedule.

But that's for another day.

[awest1217]

One thing to be careful of is that you don't discipline the girls because you want to be the cool parent. I know my S is young, but I have worked with children for 10+ years and I will tell you that children feel more safe in an environment where they have consistant rules and consistant consequences for those rules. Yelling may not be the answer, but we all get pushed so much that raising our voice does happen. Don't be afraid you won't be the cool parent just because you have rules and consequences. They may not like it that much now, but they do appreciate it and honestly they will feel safer with you. Also it looks better because you will have a stable environment.

Also if you want you can sit down with the girls and ask them what they think the rules should be and the consequences for those rules. Type them up. Many times they will be harder on themselves than you would be, but you can tone down some of the consequences and then the key is when they are with you to make sure you stick to it. With D7 this will also help because she came up with the rules and the best consequences for her so with the ADHD she could (not always) become more willing to follow the rules because you stick with them and she helped to make them.

[faithisbelieving]

I think that's a great post awe. It's so true. Our initial gut feeling is to ease up and buy gifts, etc...'to ease their pain'. They will walk all over you if you don't do what we are supposed to do here with our WAS's: enforce boundaries.

One night, I had to hold S9 back home while his sis went out for ices with a neighbor. It killed me, but, he was out of line, lost his temper...etc. He was apologetic later and it made a difference.

I guess that's where that line comes from: "this will hurt me more than it will hurt you."

CTH...I have found it tough at times not to lose my temper. Kids can really do things to get your dander up. I have never struck my kids nor will I ever. This is not easy, being a parent, when everything you've worked for collapses around you.

The sad thing is, that, as men, we have a sense of loss of self, a loss of family and a loss of values, while, our WAS's, simply see this as losing their husbands.

It's sad, but, recognizing that we have no control over what they do, we protect our family and move forward. We stay the best dad we can be. Remember..it is a gift and a privilege. Anyone can be a father. Not everyone can be a dad.

Keep your head up.

FIB

[ClingingToHope]

I've been looking forward to this week -- and Monday -- for weeks. But beginning Tuesday I'm going to adopt a budget. It's the next step in the Financial Peace plan.

I've been floating along not worrying too much about money because I wanted/needed to GAL and not sit at home worrying.

But my D situation should be much clearer by end of summer and it's time to stop burying myself. Now, there are some things that's going to nail me this summer since I have not saved up for summer camps and my weeks of vacation.

I'm going to start saving now for NEXT summer so I don't get nailed again. I'm going to have to work as many running races as possible this year so that NEXT year is better.

Girls are lazily watching TV. After we finish eating we're going to open a savings account for D7 and then swim at the Y.

I rented my car for Florida. $250 for three days. Ouch. That's half what the tickets cost.

Seriously, after this week it's home-made sandwiches, one round of golf every two weeks and lots of bike riding. I can control my finances. I need to be smart with my money because I doubt W will. Someone has to send these two to college.

[ClingingToHope]

Ugh. Packing. W always did the packing and I'd always joke how much she'd overpack. So I'm trying to keep it to one bag. The last time we went to Florida was October 2008. We'd saved for the trip for two years -- ever since we got back from Vegas. So I'm a little sad. Of course, the Disney trip had a lot of problems. W and I weren't doing well and with the stress I blew up either the day of or the day before.

The trip itself was OK except that by the end D7, who was just five and really struggling with the ADHD, just wore us down. The last day was just meltdown after meltdown until finally W said D11 and I could go off on our own so she didn't have to keep waiting for D7.

We have some great pictures from that trip. I remember thinking when we left that it was likely the last one.

That's the danger of thinking too much. Instead of just enjoying the time I kind of wrapped myself up in that thought -- the last family trip.

So I've got to focus on just enjoying today. Then tomorrow. Then the next day. I'll never get Spring Break 2010 back again.

[Kemper]

I agree with what everyone said about parenting and discipline. By you standing firm on rules and consequences you are establishing boundaries and gaining respect from your daughters. Will they like it, not always but they will end up respecting you for it. As I have read many times on here childing will pit parent against parent esp. in these situations.

I am not saying that they are currently trying to pit you two against each other but kids will be kids. You still need to be the parent and not a "friend". Does it suck to have to be tough with them yes, but it is for their own good not ours.

You don't want to be the cool dad you want to be the respected dad. The one that your daughters will talk to because they trust you when you say that you won't tell anyone. Why will they trust you, because your actions over the years have shown them that you say what you mean and you honor your word.

Enjoy the trip and just have fun.

[awest1217]

Have a good trip!

[ClingingToHope]

Happy Birthday to me. Great day. Water park in Fort Myers then a nature preserve. Now off to the pool again. D11 is sunburned. D7 is still going strong. I'm exhausted.