Into my arms... #70

[awest1217]

I really think that it all comes down to how you ask the questions. If you ask why did you start a relationship with OW? Then he is probably going to shut down more. If you ask what made you look else where for a relationship? He might then be more willing to open up to discuss what he is feeling because the second is more about your relationship and not her and him. It sounds like he wants her out of the relationship because he does feel guilty and possibly he still hasn't gotten over her enough to talk about it. Either way I think it is great that you were able to talk and get over the anger more quickly. I just suggest thinking about how you word your questions. Take the list that you made and reword them so you are making them about your relationship and about how to not let this happen again instead about how he felt with her.

[girlfromipanema]

No words of wisdom - just wanted to pop in and say hello and that I think of my lovely Greek friend often and wish you the very best. Sending lots of positive energy your way. I truly hope your marriage morphs into the marriage of your dreams.

xo,
Rachel

[Forrest Gump]

"Honestly, I feel like I am doing my best."

I suspect.. if you asked him the same question.. he would have the same answer.

Your "conversation" is proof of that.

"Apart from discussions, I am acting the best possible way I can"

Why do the "discussions" stand apart from you doing the best you can?

The issue I have with the "discussions" is that you really think you need them. Somehow they will make things better. The "Crazy Talk" part of me just wants to say.. It was not that long ago he needed "someone" else. I suspect he thought it would fix things... or make "it" better. Things become important to us for a multitude of reasons. We still really have to look at how much "work" is involved in things that are important to us.

"Of course the admiration and respect I had for him, have subsided, I dont believe him the way I did, but I cant create these feelings... they have to build up."

The only way you can build.. is to give. Respect and admiration are 2 big things for a man. The issue is they also have almost the same meaning. For me and what I am reading.. the more you respect him.. the more you will gain. Does he deserve it? No. But.. I think you will find.. even if it is just a little respect.. big gains will come your way.

Something you are doing here is working. That is for sure. You just need to fine tune it.

[Kalni]

Hi guys,
naej, you were not off, you were right, now that I understood what you were saying. Yes, what I have now, minus the sex, is much better than what I had the pre bomb year (not years-YEAR). It's not close to what we had when we were happy. Still, someone would say this is huge progress. But I dont want what I had that year. Things have changed, I have changed, he has changed. I want more, better, stronger, funner, funnier, easier etc etc
Yes, feelings were awoken that cant be recaptured but can be some kind of giude to where I want to go.

fb2, rewrite his history? No, share his history.

awest, you are right, I need to work on expressing myself with a less threatening to him way.

Michelle, I can see he responds to words of affirmation as well. With a delay...

Hi GIRL!!!!!!! Good to see you sweets!!
K

[faithisbelieving]

..make sure there isn't something subconscious going on ....to...?destroy things?. Could you subconsciously be hoping to push him away as reason to find an end to the pain?

I am not saying this is happening..just be 'uber' analytical.

FIB

[Kalni]

It's so discouraging for me to be "exposed" to things that my H should have told me instead of finding out by others. H's stbXBiL came to my house last night, a LBH so devastated and unfortunately not capable of thinking clearly, very familiar state of emotions. As he was speaking, he said 'I am disappointed your H hasnt even called, 25 years I know him, since he was 14 years old. I guess it's probably because I had told my wife (h's sister) quote what are doing? Quit talking to this woman!!quote"

So there you have another big lie of the present. Not only more people knew, but his sister had become friendly, probably covering up for him by babysitting our kids so he could see her. H's BiL told me H had forbidden his sister to talk to me. She was at my house last Thursday ..., looking at me, telling me about her story.

I am disgusted with how dysfucntional this family is.I told H last night I am sick and tired of his lying. That I quit trying to trust him.

When I say disgust, I mean it. I am pondering on spending Easter away from him. He seems to NOT get what honesty is.
K

[Butterfly1]

(((Maria)))
Sorry.

[pearlharbr]

(((Kalni)))

I went through something similar finding out that BF took OW on a ski trip with his brother and sil last year. I sent them a baby present and Christmas card without knowing. Now I don't know what I will say to them if/when I see them again. I too was disgusted and outraged that he didn't think it was something important he should tell me even after I repeatedly told him it was best to be honest and get it all out at once because it will be much worse when I find out later on my own. At that moment I was ready to leave and not look back. BF simply did not understand why it was such a big deal and I think that pissed me off more than anything. When you say you need to know the truth, all of it, it doesn't mean to conveniently leave things out that you think I can't handle.

Give yourself 48 hours to cool down and see how you feel then.

[Kalni]

I was cool with him last night. Driving back from friends (he left work early) I sat in the car quietly and he asked what is wrong. I said "I am sick and tired of the lies". He asked what I meant getting worked up on a defense mode. I said I was sick and tired of his lies. I cant believe his sister was talking to Christina, being "friends" and that although it is his sister's choice and none of my business, I cant believe he has repeatedly denied anyone knew. I said I cant believe he put me in a position where I had to overcome the shock and pretend I knew this from him, as I should have known... That I guess I have probably made a mistake and wasnt clear enough when I said, "I want total honesty" because he doesnt get it. He started saying "what, when did they talk?" using present tense (which is his normal way of twisting phrases so that they are true) and then when he realised I wasnt falling for that, that I meant the past, he quickly stopped, knew he was being more ridiculous denying something I already knew. I said, this is a matter of respect. I quit trying, as of today.

I cant handle any more bombs going off left and right in my life. I have to believe honesty still exists in this world. Just not in his world.

As of today, I keep every/any possibility open. I consider everything a lie. I dont care to give him any credit. Some may think this is exaggeration. I think this is very serious.

I am keeping quiet.
K

My D is sick and my dad feels really bad. And I want to hurt my H.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Maria, how is your daughter now? Has H contacted you after your talk last night?? (nice that you bought him a gift btw! Shame you threw it at him, lol!!)

I see others voice something I was thinking.. there seems to be a sense of self sabotage/confusion here and as a Piscean, its very hard to explain, but I know I have been guilty of seeming and acting 'in' (even to myself!) when in reality, part of me and my soul was 'out'. Its a subtle subconcious thing -

You keep saying its him, he is not doing enough/isnt proving he loves you, showing he loves you.. but you just sound.. ambivalent all the time, in two minds?? You rarely express how happy and grateful you feel after all your efforts, that you GOT WHAT YOU WANTED - your H back!

..you dont seem to be able to let go of the past, the past hurt, the past humiliation, the past H.. you are framing that hurt and humiliaton as though it is the PRESENT and maybe thats what your H finds confusing?

Of course SIL may have spoken to Christina, he is her brother and families stick together right? He had left you and the R and had started an R with her, so its not that surprising she would have some contact with her. Yes its hurtful and disloyal to you, but it doesnt make her immoral. Its also not surprising he didnt tell you - he doesnt see the point in "adding insult to injury" and I dont blame him and probably would do the same in his shoes. You are back together, in his mind, so what if his sister spoke to her back then? Maybe she was curious? Nosey? Just wanted to maintain an R with her brother?

So H didnt tell you, but from what I see...he just wants to let it go Maria. Easier said than done hey?

So perhaps you should call it a day, OR, go back for MC/IC to sort your issues out safely. I also think, he is telling you why he cant ML, because he is wounded and embarressed and your R feels tarnished.. NOT becuase he rejects you or doesnt fancy you. Maybe (if you two are still together today!!) really work on bridging the gap between you.. loving hugs... affection, closeness, touches, compassion and kindness toward one another, rather than focus on actual sex?? Or.. maybe you are done..

Sounds like HE needs reassurance..he is telling you that and so did that letter he wrote you..that his self esteem is in tatters. Its probably why he grasps onto his job/career like a drowning man.

You said to him you wish you could both talk and be heard.. sounds like you are both so hurt and wounded and need something from the other person, that you are not able to hear what the other is actually saying!

Just trying to help here sunbeam, as Neaj and others say, from an outsiders perspective..! xxx