Well...I went to the mediation expecting the worst. My words and actions last night were harsh and unpredictable. I was so mad that we were going to go through this step which, I judged, must mean that she is much more hopeless and unwilling to work. Hurt, probably, but also unwilling in the end to accept me with my faults.
Right away, our mediator become our MC and asked us for an update. I went through some admissions of guilt I guess for what has been a wedge, to which she got the idea of a six month attempt at both of us working in with our ICs. This in our 2 1/2 hour meeting!
We have 6 months that we've agreed to try hard to deal with three big outstanding issues/problems that drag us down and have made our M after Retrouv. a continued failure. In the 6 months, we've agreed to not talk about D, and "act as if" everything is improving. I know I've helped her to feel worthless, I know I really, really want to run away and get a fresh start with another woman who won't know my past. I know it. My W's acceptance of me for the 6 months, even with that limit, takes me past the barriers I've been living on to love her & be a husband, not just a provider.
There is a set of strings to evaluate our successes in 6 months, but until then, everything is about making it work!
On the way home, we agreed on a sort-of compromise to get rid of this memory filled house and take advantage of the low interest rates to get something better. This compromise came in (I hope) our last hypothetical 'if we divorced' discussion, where we talked about how to buy a house when there are some strings still left over.
Not a complete reconcilliation, but a big step. I'm now left with one last decision to do right away. Am I ready to repeal the decision to divorce when I still harbour a lot of fears? She committed to not talking separation for 6 months, but I have so many "what ifs" in my head that I need to sort through.
I feel very ready to reconcile. I really want to run out and buy flowers, call my cousin to babysit for a few hours, and have a romantic night out with her to make it real. I just need to put my full heart into - and I'm almost there. Just got to be sure that I'm not committing on emotion alone. We have major miscommunication problems and along with our own issues, the hurdles do need to be passed. 6 months seems so long, and also like so little time.
June & many others - thanks so much for sticking by and reminding me of how she may be seeing this whole thing. I've felt this positive before, but today I feel I have a stronger committment from both her and I.
