Looking for help with WAW

[james217]

Sandi, thanks for sharing your perspective regarding how my W might act during any possible reconciliation. I know it will be a long journey but I am ready and willing. If I'm lucky enough for that to happen I will take things at my W's pace. Listening to your comments helps me understand a bit more what my W might be going through.

Gr8 day 2B alive, thank you for sharing that list. I guess I'm beginning the 2nd stage. My W and I are becoming "friendly". No R talk yet but that's ok. That does seem very positive that your W is willing to take some time off work so you can go on your trip. Looks like your sitch is a couple of months further along than mine. I've seen a few very small positive signs from my W. My DB coach helped me to see these positive things...made me feel better about the sitch.

Sandi, I definitely see how far down the list any possible recommitment will be. I'm willing to continue to put in the work. I can't let 19 wonderful years together just go away and not be willing to put whatever amount of time it will take to heal this M. Since my W is not in an A, what are some of the things she might have trouble letting go of and also have trouble facing? I think you mentioned coming back to reality as one thing, any others? What helps a W come out of her fog when there isn't another man? Time I guess?

On a positive note, I am going back to working nights at my real estate career. I took steps to make that happen today. Looking forward to it. Now I'll be active in my 3 jobs. Hoping the real estate career comes back strong. I'd like to be able to get back to it full time one day. W wanted me to get over my company closing (depression)and get a job for the past 2 years. Well, W, look at me now! Went to the gym yesterday, first time in over a month. Felt good to get back. Unfortunately I got food poisioning last night and have been sick as a dog this morning. Feeling better now and off for my evening plans. It's nice to get back to a sense of normalcy in my life. Starting to get my life back in order again. Would be nice to include my W in it again one day. W has originally told me when she left me that people don't change. Wrong! I'll say it again, look at me now W! W, you should come back and join me!

Feeling good today, can you tell?

cool man. I need to start hitting the gym myself. I think alot of times we get too ocmfortable. The same thing you did to woo your spouse you have to do to keep her there. Otherwise problems come about.

I'm glad you had a good day yesterday mza. Anything to update?

[mza8]

Thanks dburt. I can't quite figure out if it's a case of my W not being attracted to me as much as it is with her frustration that I wouldn't change. That I wouldn't get off my butt and get a job and get over my depression. I just don't know. What I do know is that I need to show her consistent change now. I have to remain patient and I'm getting better at it now. Still have days when I just wish my W and I were at the point we are back together but I know I need to give it time.

Question for you dburt. How long was the process for you and your W? From the time she dropped the bomb on you until she said she wanted to try to work on M? I tried following your orginial thread but I'm not sure of your timeline. Were you separated or still living together? How are things now?

thanks, mza8

[dburt]

Things are great now, I go to these boards to give a little advice, to show those out there that these techniques worked for me, and to also remind me of where I was 14 months ago.

My timeline went something like this, 1st of Jan 2009- got the bomb and did not see it coming at all.

from that time to about 2 weeks begged and pleaded for her to come back, don't do this to our children, blah blah blah.

Then I absolutely unloaded on her times in the span of 48 hours. After that I was done, finished. She told me that I cannot speak to her that way, and I said, you know where I stand and that I have nothing else to say.

from then on, started to DB my ass off, and really saw results, almost immediately.

Feb, she started to see IC. Then invited me in MC about 2 months after that.

All in all about a 6 month deal. I absolutely am positive that if I had not come to this site and listened, (and I felt I was really good with listening here)I would be divorced today.


That, of course, is the very short vague version of it, and no I did not leave the house as she requested, and I left my bedroom for about 5 days, when i decided that I wanted to sleep in my bed, this was not my fault.

It is very important that you got off your butt and got a job, women tent to tie there love for their husband with respect for him. Be the man, take charge and lead, she will follow.

Burt

[mza8]

Thanks dburt. So glad to hear things are great now with you and your W. Thank you for continuing to come here and help others. Wow, 6 months is very fast. You must have really DB'd your butt off. When you say that you saw results almost immediately, can you give me some examples? What things did your W do? Mine is getting friendlier towards me. I'm not sure if this is a result of the Dbing or not. I'm keeping my eyes open to any positive signs from my W. Were your immediate results significant or baby steps? If you don't mind me asking, what were some of the reasons your W told you as to why she wanted out of your M? Since your W wasn't involved with OM either, I would be interested to hear her reasons.

Since you did not separate, did you go on any "dates" at all with your W during the 6 months? I've read where people have dated their spouse as a way to reconnect. I would love to ask my W on a "date" to a concert with one of our favorite bands in a few weeks but I know we're not anywhere near that point yet. We always enjoyed going to concerts together years ago. I'm not sure why we stopped doing some fun things together. I should have kept the fun and spur of the moment things going. I would love to be spontaneous and surprise my W with fun things again like I used to. What's the worse thing she could say? No? I know, I know, not a good idea. I'm only kidding. I won't ask her but it's tempting...

Thanks again for continuing to check in on my sitch.

[dburt]

No, I did not want to push at all for dates, we did have tickets to a comedian way before the bomb in a town about an hour a way with 3 other couples. She decided to go after the bomb, and we had a good time, and I was sure to be on that night. Life of the party and the party did not know about our troubles. Really had a good time. Also there was the trainer that I just hired with another guy. She was smoking hot, and since we were working out together at the time, we talked a whole bunch. Don't ever underestimate the power of another woman talking to you in front of your wife. Fear of loosing what you have is huge, and in general at least my wife is somewhat teritorial.

I waited to ask her out on a date after our MC told us it would be a good idea to start doing that once a week, this really took the pressure off of both of us. The "expert" ok'd it.

Our problems have been financial, had to sell the house we built There was also how I would not help her around the house, but The main reason (the target kept moving) was our sexual practices, I would want something every other night, and I kinda made her do it eventhough she did not want to, well she did it anyway but she started to resent me for it. It was all of this, but I had no idea how much this was all hurting her.

Now, I mostly let her decide when we "do it" (down a bit on average but twice a week is certainly not bad and she is enjoying it a whole bunch more) I help do the dishes, I make the bed and generally try to help her when I can. And, the econmics for my company are looking up.

I still work out, something I did not do at all before, I take care of the kids more, I help around the house more, I take care of business more, all of this is done not because I want to stay married, but because it is the right thing to do, I have learned that a good marriage is just one of the byproducts.

Slow and steady my man, slow and steady. No big loud movements, you are trying to coax a timid creature back.

Burt

[mza8]

Dburt, your sitch is so similar to mine. Our problems have also been mostly financial. When I had my company I was making $100k per year and we lived comfortably. We both spent money on things we shouldn't have and got in a bit over our heads at times. You can imagine after my business closed how this affected me. That lead to my depression. Now I'm doing a job for a lot less money but that's ok for now. I know I will get back to where I want to be. When I get back to where I want to be I am going to be smarter. I've learned so much during the past couple of years. People make mistakes. It's how you deal with your mistakes that make you a better person. I know this now. I couldn't see this during my depression. Couldn't really see much during my depresssion to be honest with you.

For the past year when I didn't have a job, I did help aorund the house. I did most of the chores, grocery shopping, etc. I felt so bad that I didn't get a job and support my W financially that I felt like the least I could do was to do the house work. I want to support my W, not the other way around. I felt so good when my company was doing well that I was able to support my W financially. She was able to quit her job and work with me. I don't think she felt very fullfilled though. I know she missed her old job. Sad part is she now works for her father's company. I don't think she is totally in love with the job but she says she likes it. I know her better though.

I believe the reason my W left was my lack of a job, no doubt. She might bring up other things but noting more than any other couple deals with in their M. Damn depression. Unbelievable how much it can strangle a person. Oh to be able to go back two years and change the way I handled things. I know not to get into "what ifs". The past is the past. All I can do now is make changes for me to become a better person. So far so good.

You hit the nail on the head. Slow and steady...

Thanks dburt.

[idontunderstand]

Have been following and wanted to add my two cents.

My depression started about the time that GM became Government Motors, whom I work for. Not a big money job, but decent money and decent benefits. If you can think back to late '08, when they were talking bankrupcy for the car makers, that's when things started going to pot for my M. My wife says she has tried by herself to make things better for a year. B.S. In my guilt, I thought that I had pushed her to this. She's the one who suggested I was depressed. Yeah, right, I thought. I went to my Dr., talked, tests.....what do you know, she was right and I never saw it.


"Damn depression. Unbelievable how much it can strangle a person. Oh to be able to go back two years and change the way I handled things. I know not to get into "what ifs". The past is the past. All I can do now is make changes for me to become a better person. "

Amen to that.

We can become better people. Everyone has room for improvement. I wish this would get better overnight now that I "get it", but we know it won't. Patience is the key, I guess, and that's what I have to really keep in mind.

Good luck and keep up the good work!

[mza8]

Thanks idontunderstand. Depression sucks doesn't it? My W told me the same things, that I needed to see my doctor, go to C, etc. I thought the same things as you. I didn't need that, I was fine. Well, my W was right again...damn. The thing that frustates me is that I have told my W that my depression was a big reason for my actions, or lack of in my case. If she suffered from depression and the roles were reversed, I would give her a second chance knowing that the depression could have contributed to the behavior.

Doing some very late night/early morning journaling. Doing some thinking tonight. I think I've come to realize that without this separation, I would have never made the changes that I needed to make. I was in such a hole that I don't think I would have ever climbed out unless I had some time on my own. I'm learning a lot about myself. Yes, I would have preferred to have stayed together with my W and worked out our problems but I'm not sure that would have been realistic. I think we both needed time on our own. We both needed to become stronger people individually. I've heard the term "co-dependent" thrown around so many times. I think it's an overused term. I don't think my W and I were co-dependent but we weren't where we needed to be in our individual lives, if that makes sense? When she left 5 months ago I couldn't have been strong enough to agree that we needed time apart to work on ourselves. I was too scared. Now I know that we needed this. I'm hoping that we can take this time to work on ourselves and in time get back to our M. I'd love to be able to have this honest talk with my W one day and tell her she was right. This was good and necessary for us. I'm strong enough now to admit this. I just hope that this time away from each other doesn't mean the end of the M. I hope that it's a time for growth. Too many good things in our M to walk away from. We've had 19 wonderful years together. I'd give anything for one more day with her...

[dburt]

I often say that this is something I would never want to go through again, but I am a better person now than I was before the sh*t hit the fan. I am thankful for that.

Refresh my memory, are you in the house or did you leave?

Ill try to catch up,

Burt

[mza8]

Dburt, neither W or I are in the house right now. She left in October and then I moved out in January. I moved out because it was difficult for me to afford the monthly bills by myself at the time. Now that things are better for me financially I'm thinking of moving back in soon. W wants to sell the house, that's really not what I want. If W and I were to get back together, and I think if she knew we could be comfortable now financially, that she wouldn't want to sell.