Hi, I've been checking this board out for a while now and I'm really grateful for all the wisdom that I've already been exposed to.
So my sitch...
I'm 30 and I have been with my girlfriend for the better part of 8 years. I know that because we are not married and don't have any children together some people will minimize my ordeal but even just posting will give me a chance to vent.
So in 2002 we dated for six months before I moved away for college. We tried to continue to date for a while but the distance made it tough. Eventually we split but remained friends. I started dating again and was in a relationship until graduating. I moved back home and we begain spending time together. In the meantime she meet someone and moved on. The dated and eventually got engaged. Apparently it was a bit of a rocky relationship and she would call me at times when she was mad at him. I told her it was inappropriate for her to call me. So one night she calls me crying, sayin gthat she needed someone to talk to and all her friends were busy. So like a fool, i met her. She complained about her fiance and their relationship. I told her that if it was important to her she shold work on it. Turns out that her ex was really threatened by me and told her that if she ever saw me again he would leave her. So she told him and he kicked her out. She called me non-stop for weeks after their break-up and I wouldn't see her. I told her that she needed to deal with her break up first.
Two months later we start talking again. We eventually start dating. A year later i find out she was still talking to her ex. Over Christmas that year she left me to be with him. Five days later she came running back. I was heart broken. We tried to work it out but a month later she was gone again. She left for two months. I never contacted her and was moving on with my life.She calls. When I asked her what she had been doing for the past two months, she lied.
I took her back and we were working on things. By this time I was so hurt and angry, and had so much resentment towards her that i treated her terribly. I called her names, demeaned her, and basically didn't care. We lived together for six months but i treated her so badly that she moved out four months ago.
We continued to see each other casually but it was really strained. In January she decided she needed to move on. She left. I never contacted her. Two months later she starts calling again. She wants to come home. She said that she had met, dated, and slept with some guy while we were seperated. Again, I was hurt. Like many people on here I don't understand how our partner's words can be so different than their actions. So we talked but she is so unbelieveably angry and has so much resentment towards me that she wants to fight about anything. Its a huge power struggle. She wants to come home but she wants it all to be on her terms.
So two weeks ago I went to vegas for the weekend. I met a woman and we went out a couple of times. No sex just kissing and stuff. When I got home she asked about what i had done in vegas and I was honest. Truthfully, part of me wanted to hurt her. Well, she was pissed. We talked, I told her that I was willing to have her move back in and we could go for counselling. Now she refuses, says she wants to live on her own. She disappeared this weekend but text me yesterday and refused to tell me where she had been all weekend or what she had done. Its obvious what she was up to. She text to rub it in and hurt me. I didn't respond and didn't hear from her again.
At this point I don't know what I want. I'm not married to this woman, we don't have kids or shared assets. I love her but I also think that there has to be a point where you say enough is enough. Its clear she has no respect for me at all.
Go to counselling with her for a few months to try to work on this. An 8-year relationship is longer than many of the marriages on this board. Counselors can help people get rid of resentment in relationships and help you both stop treating each other in these ways.
Yes, I will tell you the best piece of advice you will ever receive. You won't take it, but a couple of years down the road I want you to remember back and say, "I should have done what that woman on the DB board told me".
You are single. You are free and not legally tied to this girl. She will make your life a living hell on earth if you do not get as far away from her....and stay away from her as you can. Listen sweetie, I have seen this happen so many times and girls like this never change. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? You owe her nothing, but if you spend a single night with her, she is going to tell you that she's pregnant...and then you've had it!
Please do yourself a favor and realize how many women are out there and do not take on this girl.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
At this point I don't know what I want. I'm not married to this woman, we don't have kids or shared assets. I love her but I also think that there has to be a point where you say enough is enough. Its clear she has no respect for me at all.
Thoughts? Advice?
read that part that I've highlighted, that instinct that you are choosing to ignore because of love. Do you want a chance at love, real love with her or anyone else? You have to love yourself first. Don't be mean or punitive to your ex gf but stop contacting her, stop pursuing her and stop fighting with her. Just move on with your life, trust that instinct, the one that most people dismiss. There is a point where you have to say enough is enough and move on, it's ok, you're allowed, in fact moving on is what's best for both of you. You rebuild that backbone of yours and stop allowing her to treat you poorly and you she learns to start respecting you again and if she wants you she'll pursue you and you will let her know what you will tolerate and what you won't tolerate as far as her behavior goes and you will be respectful of her as well.
Stop being a doormat, you deserve better but the trick is you give yourself what you deserve, don't wait for anyone else to give it to you.
Thanks for the input. I agree with alot of what has been said. I know I hurt her for a while when I was away in college. I was a cheater, I would make time to see her when I was home for holidays and summers. I had a girlfriend. She felt like she was good enough to cheat with but not good enough to date. I know I've tolerated things I never normally would because I feel so guilty about the past. However, there comes a point when I have to acknoledge that I have changed and I don't have to pay the price for those mistakes anymore.
I have already cut off contact and I know its probably for the best. I just do love her so much. She used to be such a sweetheart. Now I don't even recognize her.
First of all, I'm also not married, no kids, been with BF for almost 10 years. So I would never dismiss your R as anything less worthy of saving than someone else's M.
From your telling, it doesn't sound like you have been together for the "better part of eight years." It sounds like you dated for a few months, then cheated on your college GF with her for four years, she cheated on her fiance with you, after a while you dated for a year before finding out she was cheating on you with ex-fiance, then the past three months have been rocky. So you have REALLY only been together, off and on, for about two years. That's a lot of off and not much on.
Both of you sound incredibly immature and have a lot of growing up to do individually before you can have a healthy adult relationship.
You're broken up now, correct? Stay that way for your own sake. This is the time to take a long, hard look at yourself and make some positive changes. Someone who hooks up with a stranger in Vegas to hurt his ex-GF is not someone who is emotionally healthy. You may not be a cheater anymore but you're certainly not acting like a mature person.
You work on you and let her work on her.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thanks for you input! We have been together officially since 2005. I definately make a huge mistake in college but in 2005, when i committed to her, I was fiercely loyal. I had been even during her "breaks." This thing in Vegas, was immature, granted. I was being reactive after being with a woman who has slept with two other men while she was supposed to be committed to me.
I never wanted any of this. I wanted a healthy, happy, committed relationship. I am ready to be in that place.
We are broken up now. Again, I don't feel like I'm emotionally unhealthy. I feel like a man who is tired of being drug through the mud when there seems to be no end in sight.
Looks like you both have a problem with committing and setting boundaries. Cheating, going back and forth with exes shows it. You have no respect for each other.
How about doing something different. Stop any contact with her.
I don't feel like I'm emotionally unhealthy. I feel like a man who is tired of being drug through the mud when there seems to be no end in sight.
There's no way a healthy man would let anyone drug him through the mud. Stop being a victim and own up responsibility. You need to learn to be responsible in order to mature.
