MLC or not?

[dday101798]

No problem,

I know what my problem is and it finally hit me. I'm having a terrible time detaching...... but when you suffer from depression this is very hard to do. Plus the panic attacks make it worse, and lets top it all off that H telling D13 things just so they get back to me or he wants to see my reaction it gets me all down and out all over again.

Look at it this way, is worrying about your H, how he's going to react, what he's going to say; do those thigns add to the depression and anxiety? I'm willing to bet, yes, and probably a ton. No?

It's not easy. But there comes a time when you just have to ask yourself, "is hanging on to this right now any good for me?". When the M goes toxic, it remains toxic until whatever caused the inbalance is recognized. And like dealing with anything that is toxic, the longer the exposure, the worse ailments it can cause will be.

Stop exposing yourself to the toxicicty. Again, I know it's not easy, and I can only imagine from the female standpoint how scary it may be just to let go, but it works.

That is all part of how my (x)W and I are in fact back together. I quit. I still loved her with all my heart, and she knew it, but at the same time, carrying out the same shinnanigans over and over just got pointless. I focused my time on myself, and the time I had with my boys. When I had to see her, I wouldn't even look at her unless I had to. It was all that 'dropping the rope'. Because holding on to that rope was continually tearing me apart. Worse part is, the kids see it. They might not say anything, but they do see it, and it makes them hurt just as bad, if not worse.

You know, (x)W and I had a VERY long discussion about all this again Satruday morning. Yeah, we've hit on a few thigns here and there since the initial conversation when she came to, but we rehashed everything. And what she had to say was a lot of what you can hear here from WAS's first hand, she wanted to caome back, she wanted to fix things so much sooner. When we could 'get along' for a few weeks at a time every 4 months or so, she would get all estatic, calling her friends up thinking we could have a chance. Of course, we couldn't. She had the baggage of OM, did not know why (EDIT, well she did, she was depressed and jsut didn't care, thought he'd make her happy, a new life would make her happy, when in opposite, it made her miserable), and I still did not recognize ALL my faults, nor did I frogive them, or hers. It wouldn't have worked. Even now, after doing all the above, it's STILL hard work.

So, I guess to answer your question, she made contact again and wanted to do this mostly in part to the 'loving detachment' I gave her.