Into my arms... #70

[flowmom]

Good morning Kalni

It sounds like there were a lot of positives in your conversation...some truthful communication.

The sex thing is tricky. My H, unlike many men, refuses to have sex unless he is feeling emotionally safe. And a part of feeling emotionally safe for him is feeling like he can make me happy. One cutting remark can kill his desire as well. That's why I've been almost celibate for years

I agree with Kat that it's not helpful to bring the OW into your M by making the lack of sex about her. You and your H have to find your desire for one another, and the safety to express that desire.

He asked if what he does satisfies me... It took me some time to answer "It shocks me". He insisted and I said it makes me happy but it surprises me when he calls to chat and connect. He got realy upset and asked me "why do I have to ask you so many times to tell me I make you happy?".

He is really spelling things out for you here. Can you warmly receive his attempts to connect? Can he bring a generous smile to your face? Those are the kinds of things that make it safe for your H to express his desire for you.

[MichelleLT]

[He needs my reassurance that he is able to make me happy more than I thought possible, I believed all along that was exactly what she did... wonder why I cant give him that]

You can. The proper question is why aren't you?

[naej]

Hi Maria, been reading and it just occured to me that this sounds like a woman doing work to save her marriage but at the same time hoping her H will say the bar keeps getting higher and I will never reach that standard,lets call it a day.
IF you had never had your "friend" would you be less inclined to know every detail of your H's A.?
I am not for a moment suggesting that your fling was comparable to his A.or getting into the which came first etc. apportioning blame or anything like that but if you could imagine what your thoughts /needs might have been IF that summer had never happened. Just hypothetical really cos it did happen and it changed you.
Would you choose your H now as a partner ? husband, cos to an outsider you seem to be pushing him away.
No one one would blame you if you did but you seem to want to play the game of I tried to make it work but he didn't give me enough.
Honesty time I think. As I said random thoughts from an outsider.
Put what your kids want aside and how it will look to others and your family etc, What does Maria want given that she knows the man her H is?
Easter Blessings to you and yours.

[Kalni]

You can. The proper question is why aren't you?

I thought I was. Honestly, I feel like I am doing my best. Apart from discusions, I am acting the best possible way I cant. Of course the admiration and respect I had for him, have subsided, I dont believe him the way I did, but I cant create these feelings... they have to build up.

naej, it wasnt a fling. And what I need to know has nothing to do with me and "my friend" as you call it. I am desperately longing to hear his perspective on what happened, I want to hear emotions, how he made decisions, what changed. I want to connect with him through his damn affair, feel like there is nothing secret between us anymore, that there is no other persosn alive on this world that knows about my H more than I do. I want to put the past away AFTER we deal with it. Not hide it. It's something that will always be with us in a way, I need to make peace with it, I dont want to avoid it.

I did go a phase like the one you describe, a year or maybe more ago. I am no longer there. I am in this to "win it" not to declare defeat.

This morning he called me and I tod him I felt bad the way we ended our convo last night. He quickly said "me too, I woke up n a bad mood". I told him I wish we could discuss and feel heard, both of us each time we face something similar. He agreed. Ever since things are ok...
K

[MichelleLT]

Hmmm. His questions were fishing. He wanted reassurance, verbally it seems to me. I know you have been focusing on his LL, AOS, which seems to be helping a lot. But what about random verbal compliments. Directly at him, "I love it when you do/wear/etc Y" "It makes me so happy when you do X"? Do you do that often?

Maybe he doesn't need it often, maybe he just needs it when he is fishing like he did yesterday?

Just trying to help you brainstorm. Tell me if I'm totally off.

You have been trying hard. I do see that. He sees that. We all see that. But it's about working smarter.

And I'm glad you guys made up quickly today. Getting past it is so important since you will of course have uncomfortable discussions at times.

(((Maria)))

[kat727]

You could just break it down into small manageable bits. Maybe focus on one question rather than trying to get it all out at once. It is painful for him too (not making excuses, I am just saying).

This is all progress though. I can see you getting there.
hugs, kat

[fb2]

listen well ... this is "piecing" ... all the cards are on the table ... you have to play your hand as best you can and you have been doing remarkably well so far ... what did you expect, to be dealt a different hand now? ... to rewrite "his"story?

[naej]

Maria, I think you misunderstand what I was trying to say. I was referring to feelings being awoken or new ones discovered,making what was enough now being insufficient.
Anyway I can see I was off track.
I am so glad that you are now in it to win it as you say. That is a great positive.
Each time you have these discussions even if they end uncomfortably you bounce back quicker and are a step nearer your goal. That must give you hope.
Easter is a time of new beginnings, new life. Enjoy the holiday.

[june72]

I get Maria's point, I think, let's figure out what went wrong and allowed the affair to happen, that way in the future we can take safeguards to prevent it.

I would think knowing what the man was thinking is reasonable. Would like to avoid a repeat event, right?

I almost feel like it is manipulative of him to say that she is not doing enough. Did I read the above correctly?

[june72]

This is too funny, I just saw a news report stating to talk to your hubby while he is eating. He is more willing to "open up" and speak freely.
Ha- got to try that one-lol!