how do i keep my hope alive?

[Onthemountaintop]

While I can't say from experience, I've read that many drugs do what adhd meds do - increase dopamine in the brain. That's why they call it medicating.

Getting him on adhd meds would probably help, but if he's been doing it for that long, I'd guess you'd be in for the long haul.

So. Have you decided you will not deal with this? Or will you work through it with him? Or will you accept him as he is, not arguing with him about it until he's ready? Clearly, you have a POV. Make sure it isn't a reaction, but a carefully considered and considerate response.

[rr22]

you said:

his previous IC took the stance that he wasn't going to tell my H not to smoke or drink, but that he saw the amount my H was consuming as self-medicating.



I think a lot of ICs take this position so the patient keeps coming to therapy. To me that's a problem. If they know that it makes depression, anxiety, or ADHD even worse, why not point out the facts to the patient every once in awhile? General physicians suggest that their patients quit smoking, lose weight, etc.

I think this is a very interesting and very important point that you made here:

if we were still in our early 20s it wouldn't bother me...but the more i felt i was ready for "grown up" things like a house and possibly a family, the more he clung to self-medicating.


I think a lot of people go through this. It's when people find out no, maybe he was not just an occasional college-aged pothead. He will be a lifetime pothead if he does not QUIT NOW.

Good luck to you with this situation. It sounds like you know what you want.

[trytryagain]

So. Have you decided you will not deal with this? Or will you work through it with him? Or will you accept him as he is, not arguing with him about it until he's ready? Clearly, you have a POV. Make sure it isn't a reaction, but a carefully considered and considerate response.

i really feel like my H is pulling further and further away from the idea of us working things out. last week he told me he wanted to legalize our separation and yesterday i got an email saying that he doubted our marriage and continued to want to feel like retreating. i almost feel like i can't say i'll deal with something or not when it's almost like there's nothing to deal with. if that makes any sense.

dealing with the weed is not an option right now. if we reconciled, then yes, there are things about the amount he was consuming that i could not deal with. i don't want to be married to someone who will smoke weed forever, every single day. i just feel like for now, we'll have to cross that bridge if and when we ever get there.

i have no idea if he has ever discussed medication with his new IC. his last counselor didn't seem to think he needed it, or maybe didn't want to suggest it while my H was self-medicating.

[trytryagain]

I think a lot of people go through this. It's when people find out no, maybe he was not just an occasional college-aged pothead. He will be a lifetime pothead if he does not QUIT NOW.

thanks for your comments, rr22. i never understood why his IC didn't flat out tell him he should cut back on the smoking or drinking, especially knowing that my H was in self-medication mode. i know a lot of people take a stance that it's not their place to tell their patients what they should and shouldn't do, but it just seems odd to me that his IC wouldn't say, you know, it's probably not the best way to handle the ADHD, and it doesn't really seem to have the best affect on your M, anyway.

i have to say, though...on our first date, my H told me his one vice was that he smoked weed every day. in fact, he called himself a "functional pothead." ha! seems like an oxymoron, but at the age of 27, he held a senior level position at his company and was making a really good salary for someone his age. he is extremely creative and his mind is constantly working on new ideas and projects. his smoking was usually limited to right before bed time as a way to "quiet his mind" so he was never the type of person to sit on the couch all day and smoke the day away.

there's NO WAY i could have put up with that. but now that we're entering our 30s, i find myself less and less ok with the daily smoking. in fact, when we talked about me getting off the pill, we also discussed that he'd have to stop smoking if we wanted to increase our chances of getting pregnant. the day before i was going to get off the pill, he told me he was scared to death of having children right now, and after that, the smoking and the drinking increased significantly.

turning back to those old behaviors to deal with something on his part really put a rift between us. my criticism of those behaviors led him to think i wanted him to be someone else, and that nothing he did was ever good enough. i understand why he would feel that way, but i can't understand why he feels this is beyond fixing.

[trytryagain]

just a quick note, i picked up a new book for my kindle this weekend. it's called "storms can't hurt the sky" by gabriel cohen, and it's a buddhist approach to getting through divorce.

i'm only a few chapters in, but it's really helping me think clearly about dealing with my anger and other frustrations and challenging me to change my perspective of my situation.

i've never studied buddhism, nor do i really know anything about it, but the book itself is part memoir, part self-help. the author writes first hand about dealing with the anger and despair he felt when his wife of 4 years left him, and i can really relate to his thought process and wanting to work past being mad at something that was beyond his control.

just thought i'd share, it's a good read so far and a little zen never hurt nobody.

[rr22]

tta said: my criticism of those behaviors led him to think i wanted him to be someone else, and that nothing he did was ever good enough. i understand why he would feel that way, but i can't understand why he feels this is beyond fixing.



Maybe he feels it is beyond fixing because he does not ever want to give up pot. Thus it is beyond fixing. If he chooses pot over children and M right now, he won't be the first. He may not be able to picture himself as a non-everyday smoker.

I've known these high level smokers myself. Their level of denial and commitment to the lifestyle is high, because they feel it is tied to their success. Good luck with this.

[rr22]

Also it's a form of blame to say "want me to be someone else" (yeah, not an addict) and "nothing I do is good enough" (no, just mostly one thing isn't good enough-- your addiction).

It's blame and denial. You should prob. read some of those materials they have for members of A.A. and NA's families. They even have a Marijuana Anonymous, I think. I know they don't think they're addicts because they have good jobs and only use it to relax and sleep, but there are alcoholics that fit that description too...

[trytryagain]

that's true, rr22. just because he can function on a normal level and have a good job doesn't mean it's ok to do it every day. i do think he doesn't think he's addicted. i don't know if he would chose smoking pot over our marriage, and that certainly isn't the only factor in what drove him to want to separate...

[Onthemountaintop]

I just went to our divorce mediator, and it became counselling instead. One topic that came up was the idea of addictions to things. She talked about how addictions are life-long issues that usually need help.

Maybe the weed/alcohol are something that he really can't deal with now, or is dealing with during IC.

I see your point about not wanting to worry about 'what if' while separated. I guess what I think is important is that you acknowledge and consider all the things you fight about (maybe a list) and see if any are 'deal breakers'. If there are things you'll keep fighting over that tend to send signals you'll never accept, things that he feels show him his M is a failure, then the long term wouldn't seem to rosy.

Our mediator become MC got us down to a time frame in our 2 1/2 hour meeting. We have 6 months that we've agreed to try hard to deal with three big outstanding issues/problems that drag us down and have made our M after Retrouv. a continued failure. In the 6 months, we've agreed to not talk about D, and "act as if" everything is improving. I know I've helped her to feel worthless, I know I really, really want to run away and get a fresh start with another woman who won't know my past. I know it. My W's acceptance of me for the 6 months, even with that limit, takes me past the barriers I've been living on to love her & be a husband, not just a provider.

Why am I saying this...I know you aren't on this page, but there are two things my story may help with, but FIRST, I think you really need to decide if you love him enough to accept him completely as he is, no strings. If my W couldn't do that today, I wouldn't be able to commit to 6 months. There is a set of strings to evaluate in 6 months, but until then, everything is about making it work!

If you did want to be M to him, string free, then consider:

1) Decide to go to MC and work out an agreement to try. He asked for it. Insist...make it happen. If he wants a separation, maybe that would be the result if didn't work.

2) Tell him loud and clear that you accept him. That you accept his faults and while you hope for change over time, your concern is improving yourself - not him. Yes, I know you think he knows it. If he's depressed/in denial/feels failure, it is up to you (yes, hurt and rejected you) to change that. I truly feel from what you wrote that he has given up on his failures with you. If you act now while the MC and other topics are up in the air, I think you'll get him back.

That is IF you truly do want him. If you are going to go back to bringing up his choices, I think he'll feel it in your eyes or action.

I know he 'deserves' to be the sufferer. But having been in both your and his shoes during my own M problems, I know that releasing your anger, hopelessness, the 'what ifs', blame, etc. is needed to really open up.

BTW - if you do get to MC, maybe Lotus and a couple RV couples like ourselves could help you being to open up the cans of worms through safe dialogue if he won't or can't go.

Pray to God alone before you decide, but be sure of your decisions with a calming deep breath!

[trytryagain]

my H is planning to come to my apartment tomorrow to talk. i'im not really sure what to say, and i get the feeling he wants to talk about signing our separation agreement and moving on. i don't know if his IC is helping or hurting him in terms of how he sees our M, but it does seem to me that he's pretty confused about what he wants and has said that he feels overwhelmed with failure.

i am open to the idea of going to a MC and at least seeing if we can make our M work. he suggested seeing an MC a few weeks ago but now seems hesitant and wants to move on with our lives. that makes no sense to me so i'm at a loss at to how to deal with meeting up to talk tomorrow. we have been meeting in restaurants over drinks or for dinner, but it's hard to express your feelings when you're trying not to cry in front of a bunch of strangers, so we decided to meet at my apartment instead.

i do love my H completely and accept him as he is. there are things about his behavior that would need to change (like the weed every day and spending SO MUCH time with his guy friends when i'm home alone)in order for our M to heal and to work. but again, we're not there yet. now he's telling me he doubts the viability of our marriage...i don't know if telling him that i accept him for his faults will make much of a difference to him now.