Please help with WAW

[Ready2Change]

...I'm going to need you guys to coach me through my sitch,

I will do my best.

because I have learned that I have already responded poorly to my WAW.....

I would strongly recommend memorizing this statement:

"What works is COUNTER-INTUITIVE."

...Over time communication has broken down...

New communication skills are needed. I strongly suggest looking for the boundaries thread, read it, and learn to set boundaries. They work.

and our weekends have been spent mostly watching TV, resting, chores, and occasionally our own individual things. Things like dating, adventure, visiting or hosting friends and family have fallen by the wayside. We have been living to work instead of working to live.

You have a choice on how you live your life. If these things were important to you before, make them important for YOU again. Do not involve WAS in the decision. Just do. Invite people over.

I think resentment towards each other for not having enough fun has set in for both of us

I found these words from "the four agreements" book series to be very wise:

"Do not put your happiness into someone else's hands."

I recommend going out and doing fun things. This is what GAL is all about.

Last summer one day when we woke up on Saturday, W asked if I loved her, did I have a GF, said I need to do better and that she was important and did I wonder what I would be like if she were not around.

There is alot of insight here.

First, she asked if you love her. Most likely, you have not been SHOWING her that you love her. I suggest reading "The five love languages".

Second, she asked if you have a GF. This may be PROJECTING. She may have BF, and wants to justify her actions. You can do some investigation. Do a search on Puppy Dog Tails and read as many of his posts as you can.

I felt ambushed,was at a loss of words and stupidly said that she cannot expect things to be like they were when we were dating. At the time I was desparately trying to make a work situation turn around, so I was stressed and a bit down on myself.

That is completely normal.

We were not communicating effectively

Sounds like an area you can do work on to improve. The biggest part of communication I learned was to keep my mouth shut and listen. Validating is also important.

I did not know how to stop it or if I even wanted the M anymore. The end of January she asked why was I married to her, we were more roommates than H/W. She said she doesn't think we can fix it. I felt strangely relieved as our relationship has not been what it should be for several years.

Completely normal.

...She said she doesn't believe I love her as I don't show or tell her enough and I was OK when she set off the bomb...

This is where the listening and validation comes in.

"Yes, I can see why you would believe that, but I do love you. Help me understand how I don't show you love"

And then Listen.....Listen Listen.....

She said she had to think about it

I would like to suggest that you should use this line alot. You can then come here, get input and then respond.

"You brought up some interesting points. I need time to think about them."

... She took most our cash and wants me to refi to pay out the rest of her share and make the payments managable for me alone.

Why would you let her do this? It is very important to stand up to her and not be pushed around. Stand up to her in a no threatening way.

Of course I have tried to reason, cried, pleaded, offered MC, been nice, ILY's,tried to go places with her, mope around, and hung around the house while she packed hoping my presence would somehow dissuade her.

Is that working for you???????

She has been generally nice, except my above behaviors would sometimes make her angry especially talking about the M.

Stiring her emotions works. When she is indifferent, that is bad. Women live on feelings. Your focus is to make her FEEL different about you. Making positive changes to YOU is VERY IMPORTANT.

She has been gone since four weeks. She came by a week and a half later briefly to get a few things and get her haircut. That was strange as the items were not important, and she will have to start getting haircuts near her parents several hundred miles away. I was nice and tried to be non pushy. I did hug her bye.

Are these actions 180's for you?

... I told her the weekends were especially hard, because that was our time...

That kind of behavior sounds NEEDY. Women are not attracted to neediness. Project that you are having a great time.

I have not tried to call this past weekend although I miss her terribly.

I would not initiate contact. This is counter intutive. Would you raather push her farther away by pursuing, or have her miss you and wounder about you?

Any advice?

My advice was based off very little information on your sitch. It is important for you to read as much as you can here on this site. Each of us are different, but there are many patterns that repeat.

It doesn't sound like you are aware of an A, but I HIGHLY RECOMMEND being open to the idea that your W has interests in another person. Puppy Dog Tails is wise and it will be to your benefit to read as many of his posts as possible.

Do I need to proceed with the refi although it will cost a bit of money?

Do you want to refi? Do you want the house? All I heard was "MY WIFE TOLD ME THIS AND THAT, SO I DID IT"........

I keep putting it off in hopes of turning her around.

The only way she is going to turn around is if you stop pursing her, start moving away from her. Let me tell you a little story:

People want what they can't have and they do not want to be controlled. Do you want to know how I get my 7 year old daughter to spend more time with me? By pushing her away and walking away. It is human nature. She will chase me. Hold me. sit on me. As soon as I feel her "wanting to leave" I tell her to leave. Guess what? She stays. If I want her to leave, guess what works???? I hold her tight. Tell her to stay. What do you think she does as soon as she breaks free?
The dynamics between adults is no different. I see it here.

She took most the furniture to her parents' house.

go buy stuff you like. Enjoy shopping for it. If/when she wants to come back, she can worry about what to do with the stuff at her parents house....