I just went to our divorce mediator, and it became counselling instead. One topic that came up was the idea of addictions to things. She talked about how addictions are life-long issues that usually need help.
Maybe the weed/alcohol are something that he really can't deal with now, or is dealing with during IC.
I see your point about not wanting to worry about 'what if' while separated. I guess what I think is important is that you acknowledge and consider all the things you fight about (maybe a list) and see if any are 'deal breakers'. If there are things you'll keep fighting over that tend to send signals you'll never accept, things that he feels show him his M is a failure, then the long term wouldn't seem to rosy.
Our mediator become MC got us down to a time frame in our 2 1/2 hour meeting. We have 6 months that we've agreed to try hard to deal with three big outstanding issues/problems that drag us down and have made our M after Retrouv. a continued failure. In the 6 months, we've agreed to not talk about D, and "act as if" everything is improving. I know I've helped her to feel worthless, I know I really, really want to run away and get a fresh start with another woman who won't know my past. I know it. My W's acceptance of me for the 6 months, even with that limit, takes me past the barriers I've been living on to love her & be a husband, not just a provider.
Why am I saying this...I know you aren't on this page, but there are two things my story may help with, but FIRST, I think you really need to decide if you love him enough to accept him completely as he is, no strings. If my W couldn't do that today, I wouldn't be able to commit to 6 months. There is a set of strings to evaluate in 6 months, but until then, everything is about making it work!
If you did want to be M to him, string free, then consider:
1) Decide to go to MC and work out an agreement to try. He asked for it. Insist...make it happen. If he wants a separation, maybe that would be the result if didn't work.
2) Tell him loud and clear that you accept him. That you accept his faults and while you hope for change over time, your concern is improving yourself - not him. Yes, I know you think he knows it. If he's depressed/in denial/feels failure, it is up to you (yes, hurt and rejected you) to change that. I truly feel from what you wrote that he has given up on his failures with you. If you act now while the MC and other topics are up in the air, I think you'll get him back.
That is IF you truly do want him. If you are going to go back to bringing up his choices, I think he'll feel it in your eyes or action.
I know he 'deserves' to be the sufferer. But having been in both your and his shoes during my own M problems, I know that releasing your anger, hopelessness, the 'what ifs', blame, etc. is needed to really open up.
BTW - if you do get to MC, maybe Lotus and a couple RV couples like ourselves could help you being to open up the cans of worms through safe dialogue if he won't or can't go.
Pray to God alone before you decide, but be sure of your decisions with a calming deep breath!
