Don't suck up all the blame and shame he has directed your way. Yes, you were whole before. You will be whole again with or without H.
You don't need to forgive yourself for what it's doing to your children. Just try to soften the impact and not exaggerate what impact there is. Also, you're not the one who chose this for your children. He did. That's where I'd start forgiving myself. I would remind myself every day that H chose to abandon family and not give it another chance, not you. Now your job is to take care of self really well to lessen impact on kids. That's the only part in your realm of control.
