I wonder how she would react if you tell her that you would be in contact with a lawyer tomorrow to see the best and most ecomical path to divorce would be, but make no mistake, we will not remain friends nor will we ever start over.
I thought about that, too... But I would be lying if I said thats what I wanted.
I'm somewhat glad that she thinks we are going to be friends, even if I don't plan to initiate anything, because maybe that makes her feel like she can contact me if she wants.
I thought about that, too... But I would be lying if I said thats what I wanted.
I appreciate integrity very much. You stick to your guns and make decisions that you will always be able to live with. It's an honorable approach to a difficult situation. Kudo's.
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I'm somewhat glad that she thinks we are going to be friends, even if I don't plan to initiate anything, because maybe that makes her feel like she can contact me if she wants.
This is solid thinking as well S'gaar. If you can maintain your personal boundaries and not compromise even for her, this is a great approach.
I really think you have great thinking on this matter. You seem at peace, even though what is happening is not what you would hope for. This characteristic will serve you well as you go through this.
I'm impressed.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Been reading the forums for a while, and have really gained a lot from it, but my situation is at the point now where I really need some advice.
I'll try to be as brief as possible here...
Wife left me 2 months ago. I got the "Love you but not in love with you" speech. She said she wanted a divorce. I did the usual flip out and beg her to come back, then realized that wasn't gonna work and just stopped.
She moved out 2 weeks later. We had little to no contact for about a month. Then we started to email each other a bit.
I tried to be light and happy in emails, but occasionally I would bring up the idea of trying to reconcile. She was open to the idea. She always made comments in her emails about stuff like "And if we are able to work this out... blah blah blah" and so on. Even her close friends told me that she had said things to them that made them think she was open to the idea of us getting back together.
So I finally broke down and told her that I would like to see her again, and see if we can do this. Start slow, get some coffee or something, date a bit, and see what happens.
She asked me out for a few drinks 3 weeks ago.
We went out for drinks and had a great time. I didn't bring up our relationship, or the past... It was really like a first date. We kissed at the end.
I asked her if she would like to see me again, and she said she really would, so the next week we spent a whole day together. We had an awesome time, again, and were very affectionate.
I talked a little about our relationship that day, but she didn't seem to mind. I asked her what she felt like we were doing here, and she said we should just take it slow. I agreed. Over the next few weeks we talked a lot. Not about the relationship... Just talking, and it was nice.
Although, I felt bad, because I was getting nothing from her as far as feedback. She literally never brought up our relationship (which I understand is normal) and she never went out of her way to contact me.
I was very uncomfortable with one thing. Dating other people. I had a feeling she was, and I had been, but we never really brought it up.
Then one day on IM she asking me if she could ask me a question with me "getting weird on her"... I said sure.
She asked me if I was dating... And the answer was yes, and I told her yes, and then I proceded to get weird on her... Telling her I wasnt sleeping with anyone and it didnt mean anything and it wasnt what she thought and basically made a fool out of myself.
Her reply was "I was just curious, calm down".
I then made a bigger fool out of myself by bringing up the past, talking about "us" and basically annoying the hell out of her.
Ugh.
That did finally bring to the forefront something that was really eating at me, and that was that I really felt that while we are seeing each other and "trying" that we should not be seeing other people.
I finally got up the guts to talk to her about it, and it did not go well.
I was very calm, and very understanding about what she wanted, but I made it clear that while she is seeing other men and I am seeing other women, I didn't think we should be seeing each other.
She got mad, and said these things to me.
She WILL NOT be exclusive to me.
She did not want to get back together with me in the first place, and was only seeing me again "just to see you again".
I was crazy for even asking.
All the changes I made in the past few months were a lie to trick to into coming back.
She still wants a divorce.
She wont stop seeing other men.
As you can imagine, this hit me like a brick in the face... Then she immediately started backtracking.
I told her that I would not compete for her with other men... She said I wasn't competing because non of them were "serious".
She then said something that amazed me... She said she wanted the divorce because she felt like if we were going to be together we had to "start over for real".
I just don't know what to say to her now. That convo was about a week ago and we haven't talked since.
I decided that I wanted to divorce her after that convo, made an appt. for a lawyer, but I cancelled it.
I DO NOT want my marriage to end, but I feel stuck right now. I feel like I ruined any chance I had with her with that one conversation last week.
I have ordered the DB book, and will not contact her again until I read it.
What do you all think? Did I blow it?
What should my next move be? Should I just go completely dark on her? I have t be honest and say that I am considering divorcing her myself now, just to get it over with, but I feel that is a pretty weak reason to do so.
Any advice or comments are greatly appreciated as I have no idea what I'm doing now.
If you want to get back together with your wife, why are you cheating on her?
Seeing other people while you are separated does not show that you are interested in working things out.
Even if she is seeing someone else, does not mean you should do it.
My wife left a year ago and I have not seen anyone and have no intentions of starting, my wife hasn't started seeing anyone either, so maybe there is a little bit of hope.
I don't think having dinner with someone is "cheating."
Maybe I gave the wrong impression with the comment "dating other people".
Dinner.. Drinks... That's about it.
What if I enjoy having dinner and drinks with some women? Should I not do it because the wife who left me wouldn't approve?
I agree that dating doesn't show her that I'm interested in working things out, but me sitting home "waiting" for her isn't going to make it happen, either.
What should show her that I am interested in working things out, is when I tell her that I am interested in working things out, and make personal changes that help me become a better personm and if/when she is ready to talk to me, I will listen, until then I have to live my life.
Trust me, If someone could guarantee me that "waiting" for her would work, I would... But nobody can say that.
Out of curiosity, what things did you need to work on? It sounds like to me that she cheated on you. She refuses to be exclusive (atleast at this time) and when you mentioned thats what you would need in order to she kinda flies off the handle.
I will say this though, starting over is interesting. A divorce is not necessary and in any way of not a logical way of thinking if you are starting over. Purely from a financial standpoint, its not starting over. Heck, she is waiting to get a paycheck to get a divorce.
If she wants to start over, you both better start by coming clean. I truly believe she wants to start over for one reason only. So you can move on without questioning her cheating on you. End of Story. Please tell me there is something to learn. Cause by the way it looks, you could very well be in the same spot a later date.
Im sorry if im coming across as Johnny Doomsdayer, but I feel its necessary. Its really time for the games to stop being played. She needs to grow up.
I say this with all respect. I started over with my wife as well. But I can tell you for darn sure I let her know that her affair wasnt OK with me and the fact that she blamed me for her cheating ways was perhaps the lowest thing I can think a human can do to someone. Now thats not to say I didnt have some growing up to do. I needed to step up and be a team player. And thats what I did. But I did so by putting my Big boy pants on. It sounds like your almost there to do the same.
Make It Happen
God Bless.
Married 10 Together 13 ILYB 1/4/2010 Separated: 1/4/2010 Moved back in 1/28/2010 Reconciled 3/14/2010
I have no idea if there was an affair. I asked her, she said no, but I don't think I can really believe her.
I did some snooping, and found nothing.
So I really don't know.
When we did have that talk last week, she very much went out of her way to tell me many times that she isn't not seeing anyone "seriously" and that I am not competing.
From what she has told me... Whether this is the truth or not I dont know, but she said we lived like roommates, never did anything together, had a loveless marriage... You get the idea... All things I thought were totally fixable.
But I hear you... An affair/cheating is a definite possibility. I just have no proof.
I dunno, you guys. I feel like I blew it with the "no dating other people" ultimatum. And now today me basically telling her that I'm fine with the divorce, which is kinda what I did... I feel bad.
I think what I'm going to do now is let it settle for some time, maybe no contact for a month or so, and then put out some feelers to her to see if she would like to get together for a beer or something sometime.
She already told me today she wants to stay in contact, and she DOES want to see me again.
So I dunno...
Like... I really need to take some time here for myself, and get my life situated without her before I can even attempt to contact her again.
It's almost like I need to accept that fact that my marriage is over before I can really step forward and try to get my marriage back.
The Marriage as it was constituted is over. Accept that!
However, from the smoldering ashes and destruction of that marriage, a new one can begin to build. However, its vitally important for her to know that you will not share her. Unless thats what you want. To me thats not a marriage. If it was a loveless marriage, you will need to learn how to speak her love language. You will need to rebuild that trust and tear down those walls that are keeping her from loving you exclusively.
Its not a marriage if other people are involved. Everyone here is thought the same thing. You went on dates with other women. You told your wife the same thing. You are even backpedaling with the people on this forum. Were they dinner dates? Or was it perhaps more but nothing happened?
It sounds like some serious air clearing needs to be done. No more games. Time for adult conversations. She is either keeping you on the line as she is working on something on the side or shes trying to make it work. Like most people would say. Its not likely someone would walk away from a relationship (even a flawed one) unless they have something going. Her to be exclusive is most definitely a sign.
As for answering her questions about your relationships, I think she lost all input by walking away. You need to learn tact. She asked you a question but the answer doesnt matter. She was checking in with you. Did you ask her the same question? She said she hasn't seen anyone seriously. So it sounds like she is doing something casually. She is justifying her behavior and I will bet she will bring this back to you.
IM sorry if this all sounds harsh. Im not trying to be. And Im not a scorned husband either. Things are going well in my relationship but I was very close to being on this end I learned quite a bit about relationships during this time. My Stich is not the same and its quite possible your wife is not seeing someone. But common sense tells me its more than likely.
Married 10 Together 13 ILYB 1/4/2010 Separated: 1/4/2010 Moved back in 1/28/2010 Reconciled 3/14/2010
The dates were just dinner or drinks. One chick I went out with was very cool and we hit it off but nothing happened, because I made a decision to not go that route.
And I hear you, and don;t worry about being harsh, I can take it.
I do refuse to share her, and just be one of the guys shes dating. I would stop dating completely to try with her, and she knows that. But I made it clear to her that I will not just sit around and wait for her to be bored with other guys.
I really am moving forward with my life as though she is gone... I honestly don't know what else to do.
I would LOVE to be able to clear the air with her, but she literally will not talk to me. She has said flat out that she likes chit chatting with me, but whenever I bring up anything serious all she hears is "blah blah blah whine whine whine".
That was her exact quote to me. And I made absolutely sure that every serious topic I brought up I did with calmness and understanding. I was ready to hear whatever she had to say, and she just wont say anything.
I know the chances of her actually seeing someone else are very high.
All I know is every time I have actually tried to talk to her about anything, she gets REALLY mad and says REALLY mean things, and I just can't do it anymore.
I know her love language now, and I nailed it on the dates I had with her, I know I did.
So we'll see.
For now, I am totally backing off and living my life. She knows how I feel and what I want, and she has my #.
I don't really know what else to do at this point.
