Did you think about asking her about it or letting her know that it makes you a little unnerved? You didn't get her by pussy footing around. Be honest and let her know.
Glad things otherwise appear to be going well.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks Kat. Yes, I've thought about it, but how do I bring it up without her knowing that I'm checking up on her?
I mean, I'm sure she feels like everything is moving forward wonderfully.....just this last weekend she was talking about how she wanted a new wedding ring for our 30th anniversary. We're discussing retirement, buying a new car, etc, etc, etc so everything points towards there not being a problem, but I still get this nagging feeling.
I guess when the time is right I could broach the subject about FB in general and then in the discussion, let her know it makes me uncomfortable and if she wants to help in that regard, let me have your password. I would of course, offer my password to my FB account so she doesn't have any complaints......
Thanks Kat. You're still the best!
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Maybe she sees you on it too and wants to figure out the "facination"! lol I would let her know that since you know OM is on there, it is sort of a trigger. You want to move pass this and ask if she has any ideas on how to make you feel okay about her being on there.
She loves you big guy. Couldn't get much better than that.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thing is, I haven't been on FB for....ev...er, except when I saw she's been on it and I got curious.
We've even had discussions about how FB is a recipe for disaster with "old flames" hooking up, etc. and she agrees.
And you're right. Just after I did that post this morning, I had to be out of the office for a while. I sent her an IM telling her I would be out for a while and if she heard what her raise and bonus were (it's that time for us) to let me know and she replied that she would. And then, just as I'm getting up from my desk to head out, I get another IM from her that just says "I love you". That made me feel pretty darn good.
I also know that it's totally possible that W looks at OM's FB page because she really doesn't like him as he got married to the woman he was running around with when he moved away from here and was still using my W when it suited him. I'm sure that stings as she was sure he was her "soulmate". There's a picture of the new W on his FB page. In a weird way, I can see her going out to look at it to see what she looked like and to reassure herself that she's so much better off now than she was two years ago.
Anyway...thanks again Kat. You're a keeper.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I also know that it's totally possible that W looks at OM's FB page because she really doesn't like him as he got married to the woman he was running around with when he moved away from here and was still using my W when it suited him.
Hiya H4U,
The problem with that is, even NEGATIVE "contact" (like looking at his FB page and pics) is still "contact," physiologically, and will set HER back, and create triggers for YOU.
I agree with Kat -- best to gently bring it up to her, and ask her how she can help you with that.
Hey Hope.... So glad for you thou, really, you deserve to be happy, you did work your butt off and its paying off.
As for facebook.... Yup agreed what kat and pup said, its not good even if she only looks once in awhile, I would definately talk to her and tell her how you feel in a non-judmental way and see what she says, she may just suprise you!
Again.. Blessings to you
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
It came up in conversation last night. Don't know exactly how it started, but we were having dinner and it did.
Just a summary, cause I just don't remember all the conversation, but the gist of it is.....
W understands why I still feel a little unsure of us. It bothers her cause she feels like she's done everything she can to reassure me, but understands it's just going to take me a while.
We talked about ANY contact at all. I related some things I've read about former waywards and ANY contact at all, including seeing things online can keep the little bit of fog that's left alive.
We talked about my concerns that at some point in the future OM has a problem with his new wife and contacts my W "just to see how it's going" and how she was going to handle it. I told her that for me to feel completely safe I need to truly believe she understands how this type of thing happens and what she's going to do to protect herself from it ever happening again. She said "you make me feel like I'm dumb because you think I would let it happen again". I replied, "I don't think you're dumb. I just understand how it can happen and from what I've read, EVERYONE is vulnerable to an A, and that it's only personal boundaries that keep people from going there". She looked at me and said, "I do understand how I let it happen and I won't let it happen again".
We talked about the 1000 little decisions she made along the way that if she'd have had boundaries in place, she wouldn't have made and the A wouldn't have happened. We talked about what she liked about herself during the A. I thought it would be a good thing to know as it would give me some clues about what I might not have been doing that made the A worth losing everything for her. She said "At the time, he just made me feel confident. That was almost intoxicating and I didn't want to give it up, at the time". So I asked her "what about now?" She said "I realize now that I was just in a weird place and let it go too far, and then it was too late".
So we then talked about not having conversations with members of the opposite sex that should you should only have with your spouse and I said "I'm guessing here, but I would imagine that at some point you said something to OM about something I did that ticked you off and he used that to start building your confidence" and she said, "um...yeah, pretty much".
I then mentioned that a couple months ago she had said to me, "you're more of a man than OM will ever be" and then said "so what happened that made you realize that?" She said in so many words, that once NC had been in place for a while she started seeing me in a different light, that the things she hung on to to justify the A, just weren't there or she realized that they were just that, justifications. She did say it was a slow process, and there'd be back tracks, etc, but it just took time.
So that's about it. We did discuss FB, not specifically her looking at, but more how it's a recipe for trouble and she said "I'm going to just delete my account" and I told her I would do the same.
It was pretty quiet the rest of the night, but this morning she's been IM'ing me like crazy.
And tomorrow I'm surprising her with a trip to the Smoky Mtns for a long weekend. I'm really looking forward to the trip.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
