Suggested Books

[june72]

From Helen87:
CC, I answered you on Snod's Reality thread. Glad to see you got it. Here's why an abusive man would marry. The book also talks about how the good periods occur less frequently over time and how the tension building phase can meld into passive aggressive behavior.

Here's more from Lundy Bancroft, WHY DOES HE DO THAT? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

When an abusive man is being charming at the beginning of a relationship, is he already thinking ahead to abusing the woman? Does he have it all planned out? Is he deliberately hooking her emotionally so he can be cruel to her later? The answer is generally no. The abuser doesn't picture himself yelling, degrading her, or hurling objects at her. As he falls in love, he dreams of a happy future of conjugal bliss, just as the woman does.

So, if he isn't laying plans to hurt her, what is going on in his mind? First, he is gazing longingly at the image he holds of the future, where the woman meets all of his needs, is beautiful and sexy at all times of the day and night, has no needs of her own, and is in awe of his brilliance and charm. He desires a woman who will cater to him and never complain about anything he does or darken his day with frustrations or unhappiness about her own life.

The abusive man doesn't expose these self-focused fantasies to his new partner. In fact, he is largely unaware of them himself. So she has no way of knowing that he is looking more for a personal caretaker than for a partner.

He may truly believe his own promises, because he wants to see himself as a generous and thoughtful partner, one who does not use or disrespect women. Later, when he begins to control the woman and take advantage of her, he will find ways to convince himself that it's not happening or that it is her fault. Abuse is not his goal, but control is, and he finds himself using abuse to gain the control he feels he has a right to. On the other hand, a certain number of my clients are consciously manipulative from the outset....He creates the kind of relationship he wants through charm and dishonesty and expects to continue in that mode for good. Manipulation feels clean and satisfying to this style of abuser, while degrading language and physical intimidation do not. He doesn't consider manipulation abusive. An abuser is a human being, not an evil monster, but he has a profoundly complex and destructive problem that should not be underestimated. An abuser's behavior is primarily conscious--He acts deliberately rather than by accident or by losing control of himself--but the underlying thinking that drives his behavior is largely not conscious.

The abusive man's cycles: The tension building phase (during this phase, your partner is collecting negative points about you and squirreling them away for safekeeping. An abuser nurtures grievances. An abuser falls into a routine of walking around dwelling on his partner's purported faults. Since he considers you responsible for fixing everything for him, he logically chooses you as his dumping ground for all of life's normal frustrations and disappointments), the eruption, the hearts and flowers stage.

The good periods function as part of his pattern:

--His spurts of kindness and generosity help him to feel good about himself. He can persuade himself that you are the one who is messed up, "because look at me, I'm a great guy."

--You gradually feel warmer and more trusting toward him. The good periods are critical to hooking you back into the relationship, especially if he doesn't have another way to keep you from leaving, such as financial control or the threat of taking the children.

--While you are feeling more trusting, you expose more of your true feelings about different issues in your life and you show him more caring, which creates vulnerability that he can use later to control you.

--He uses the good periods to shape his public image, making it harder for you to get people to believe that he's abusive.

Being kind and loving usually blends back into more overt abuse. I recognize how painful and frightening it can be for an abused woman to accept this reality, because those times of kindness, and the hope that comes with them, can feel like all you have left to hold on to, given how much he has taken away from you. But illusions of change also keep you trapped and can increase your feelings of helplessness or disappointment when he returns to his old ways. Real change looks very different from a typical good period