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[june72]

More from Helen87

Definitions from WHY DOES HE DO THAT? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft.

"In referring to angry and controlling men in this book, I have chosen to use in most cases the shorter terms "abusive man" and "abuser". I have used these terms for readability and not because I believe that every man who has problems with angry or controlling behaviors is abusive. I needed to select a simple word I could apply to any man who has recurring problems with disrespecting, controlling, insulting, or devaluing his partner, whether or not his behavior also involves more explicit verbal abuse, physical aggression, or sexual mistreatment. Any of these behaviors can have a serious impact on a woman's life and can lead her to feel confused, depressed, anxious, or afraid."

Abuse? Look for patterns.

"The term "abuse" is about power; it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else. Wherever power imbalances exist, such as between men and women, or adults and children, or between rich and poor, some people will take advantage of those circumstances for their own purposes. Thus the defining point of abuse is when the man starts to exercise power over the woman in a way that causes harm to her and creates a privileged status for him.

The lines where subtler kinds of mistreatment end and abuse begins include the following actions:

=He retaliates against you for complaining about his behavior. (You have no right to object to how I treat you)

=He gives apologies that sound insincere or angry, and he demands that you accept them.

=He blames you for the impact of his behavior.

=It's never the right time, or the right way, to bring thngs up. (With an abuser, no way to bring up a complaint is the right way....sometimes you have to leave an argument and come back to it in a couple or hours or the next day, and then you find your partner more prepared to take in what is bothering you. With an abuser, however, the passage of time doesn't help. He doesn't spend the intervening period digesting your comments and struggling to face what he did, the way a nonabusive person might. In fact, he does the opposite, appearing to mentally build up his case against your complaint as if he were preparing to go before a judge.)

=He undermines your progress in life. (If he causes you to lose a job or to drop out of a school program; discourages you from pursuing your dreams; cuases damage to your relationships with friends or relatives; takes advantage of you finanacially or damages your economic progress or security; or tells you that you are incompetent at something you enjoy, as a way to get you to give it up, he is trying to undermine your independence.)

=He denies what he did. (While a nonabusive partner might argue with you about how you are interpreting his behavior, the abuser denies his actions altogether.)

=He justifies his hurtful or frightening acts or says that "You made him do it." (The abuser uses your behavior as an excuse for his own. He therefore refuses to commit unconditionally to stop using a degrading or intimidating behavior. Instead, he insists on settingup a quid pro quo, where he says he'll stop some form of abuse if you agree to give up something that bothers him, which often will be something that you have every right to do.)

=He touches you in anger or puts you in fear in other ways.

=He coerces (pressures) you into having sex or sexually assaults you.

=His controlling, disrespectful, or degrading behavior is a pattern.

=You show signs of being abused. (Do you feel like you can't do anything right? Is your level of energy and motivation declining, or do you feel depressed? Is your self-opinion declining, so that you always are fighting to be good enough and to prove yourself? Do you find yourself constantly preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it? Do you feel like the problems in your relationship are all your fault? Do you repeatedly leave arguments feeling like you've been messed with but can't figure out exactly why?)

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--The more time he has to tear down your self-opinion, the more difficult it will be for you to believe that you deserve better treatment.

--The more time he has to hurt you emotionally, the more likely your energy and initiative ar to diminish, so that it gets harder to muster the strength to get out.

--The more damage he does to your relationships with friends and family, the less support you will have for the difficult process of ending the relationship.

--The longer you have been living with his cycles of intermittent abuse and kind, loving treatment, the more attached you are likely to feel to him, through a process known as traumatic bonding.

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=You do not cause your partner's slide into abusiveness, and you cannot stop it by figuring out what is bothering him or by increasing your ability to meet his needs. Emotional upset and unmet needs have little to do with abusiveness.

=Abused women aren't "codependent". It is abusers, not their partners, who creat abusive relationships.

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Abusive men do not "bottom out."

Over time, the man grows attached to his ballooning collection of comforts and privileges:

The intrinsic satisfaction of power and control.

Getting his way, especially when it matters to him most.

Someone to take his problems out on.

Free labor from her; leisure and freedom for him.

Being the center of attention, with priority given to his needs.

Financial control. (One of the most common tactics I hear about, for example, is that the abuser manages to finagle dealings so that his name is on his partner's belongings--along with, or instead of, her name. In fact, I have had clients whose abuse was almost entirely economically based and who managed to take many thousands of dollars away from their partners, either openly or through financial tricks.)

Ensuring that his career, education, or other goals are prioritized.

Public status of partner and/or father without sacrifices. (With his strong people pleasing skills and his lively energy when under the public gaze, the abusive man is often thought of as an unusually fun and loving partner and a sweet, committed dad. He soaks up the smiles and appreciation he receives from relatives, neighbors, and people in the street who are unaware of his behavior in private.)

The approval of his friends and relatives. (An abuser often chooses friends who are supportive of his abusive attitudes)

Double standards.

If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation. (When you are left feeling hurt or confused after a confrontation with your controlling partner, ask yourself: What was he trying to get out of what he just did? What is the ultimate benefit to him? Thinking through these questions can help you clear your head and identify his tactics. Certainly the abusive man also loses a great deal through his abusiveness. He loses the potential for genuine intimacy in his relationship, for example, and his capacity for compassion and empathy. But these are often not things that he values, so he may not feel their absence.)

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More later about the "good periods" and how he uses them.